My Profile Pic :)

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I finally uploaded a profile picture. I spoke to a couple of close friends about wanting to upload a profile picture and a site icon but I wanted it to be creative and well designed. I asked a friend if they wouldn’t mind helping me design one but we just never got round to making one. I’ve wanted this blog to stay anonymous and not revel who I am as I talk about some very personal topics and situations on here and I don’t want people to know who I am. So as I have no computer skills at all to create a logo, I thought I’d upload a picture of something I hold very close to my heart which is the NBA basketball team, New York Knicks. The NBA is a huge part of my life and it’s something I don’t think I could live without. Showing you this revels a little more about me without giving away my identity so I feel happier about. It also means I don’t have to upload a horribly designed logo I’d make that would just make me feel down and hate myself. I use this blog to vent about problems I’m dealing with and the struggles of mental health I go through. Having a profile picture of something I enjoy can make me feel better I suppose or that’s the idea at least.

Anyway, sorry for the late upload of a profile picture and I know I still don’t have a site logo but as I mentioned, I have no computer skills at all so I’ll probably end up drawing one and upload a picture of a drawn logo image. A least I’ll have then have something people can identify my site with. Let me know what you think of the picture and I hope you’re having a great day 🙂

What skills do you have?

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What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).

A nice ending ☺️

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It’s not very often you ever have a good breakup with someone. People always end up getting hurt, there are arguments, you both end up hurting each other and it’s just one of the toughest things you have to deal with in your life. On the Monday just gone though, the girl I’ve been talking about over the last few months who broke things off between us, came round and we actually finally ended things nicely.

In my very first relationship, when we broke up it ended really badly. It didn’t end nicely at all. We argued, she hurt me by getting with several other people when we broke up, she ended it on my 18th birthday and she was just so horrible. She never gave me answers to questions I had and she went around the whole school telling everyone how horrible I was. Not as in mean but as in horrible at relationship stuff and that was just horrible for me. The girl who recently ended things with me, I started hating her as much as my ex from before. I just felt like she got over me instantly and I don’t get how you get over someone that quickly if you love them. On the 22nd of this month though, the Monday just gone, she came round and we sat down and talked about everything. Since she ended things, all we had been doing was arguing nonstop. I’ve been wanting to talk about everything because I didn’t get to do this with my ex and if we were going to stay friends, I felt like we needed to do this. She said what she wanted to say, I vented about everything and said how I was hurt by what she had done. The lie she told **********, making promises and breaking them all and just how shitty it was of her to do what she’s done. I told her that she just reminded me of my ex and that I was finding just being friends really hard but she wasn’t anything like my ex. She didn’t interrupt me or argue with me, she didn’t have a go at me or shout at me. She didn’t even get up and walk out. She just, listened. She sat there and listened to everything I had said too. I mean, it meant and still means the world to me that she just heard me out and didn’t argue with me or call me pathetic. She even did what my ex would have never of done and said sorry and not just once but several times.

We continued to talk about everything that had happened and she told me that she does still have feelings for me and I really needed to hear that. Not so I can try to get her back but so I know that she didn’t just get over me instantly. She just explained that she does still like me but she’s in a relationship and has been for a while and she wants to try to make it work. She feels so bad for not being with me and promising to breakup with him but she wants to give it one last shot. The whole situation between us has just been really bad timing. I even said I was going to ask her out as soon as she was single and she said “I hope you do”. She cried and got upset because she had hurt me so much and it was just a very emotional day. After we finished talking she stayed over and we hung out for a couple of hours and it was really nice. We just laid down together and hugged until she had to leave.

It was the best ending I could have possible asked for and we haven’t had one argument since. As much as I feel better about the whole situation, I’m still really upset. I’m so happy that it happened the way it did but I love her so much and her being as amazing as she was on Monday just makes me miss her even more. It just sucks that she’s in a relationship because if she wasn’t, we’d be together. I totally get why she ended it with me because she’s been in that relationship for a long time and it makes sense why she doesn’t just want to throw it away. It’s been a big part of her life and I’ve never been in a relationship for that long so I’m sure it must be really tough to let it go. I just wish she could have because I know we could be amazing together. We both still have huge feelings for each other and I think that’s what’s going to make this tough. It means the world though that she came round and we sorted it all out. I’m obviously still really upset and I still really want to be with her but it ended on a nice note and I couldn’t ask for anything more. She’s nothing like my ex at all and her doing what she did Monday meant the world to me and I can’t thank her enough for it. I care about her so much, it just makes me feel really bad for how I’ve been talking about her on here and how I’ve been so angry at her and hating her. She even admitted that she hadn’t handled it well because she was so upset for having ended it. It was the best ending to what we had and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I don’t know if we will ever be together and I don’t know if I should hold onto the idea that we will be but it means a lot to me that we ended things positively.

Have any of you had a nice breakup? If you haven’t, how would you of liked your relationship to have ended? Feel free to share your stories or thoughts on my situation in the comments below. Thanks for reading :).

A message to my ex

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I need your help. So as you know, I’ve been trying to stay friends with the girl that recently split up with me. Again, we weren’t officially together because she had and has a boyfriend but we were hooking up all the time and she promised she’d be with me and she told me she loved me so we basically were together unofficially. I want to send her this message but I feel like it makes me seem weak and pathetic. I’m holding onto the idea that one day we’ll end up together and I probably need to let go of that but I’m finding it hard. Anyway, I want people’s opinion on this message I’ve written out. Should I send or not? And if I do, what should I change about it? Your opinions and advice would really help me a lot and I’d really appreciate it. So here it is…

Okay, so here’s what I want to say. I think you’re so stupid for ending things between us. We could of made each other so happy and you made me feel the best I’ve felt in years. I felt like you needed me and that made me feel worth while and really good about myself. I know you love your boyfriend but I really think I could of made you so much happier than you are with him. We were great together and I know we weren’t actually together but it felt real for me. After how he’s treated you, I just don’t get why you threw me away. You also say you’re closing a chapter in your life and moving on but you really haven’t. Nothings changed in your life at all. All you’ve done is hurt me and got rid of me. That isn’t changing anything. I get you want to be well but if you did you’d be changing a lot more than just hurting me. I think it’s fucking unfair.

Next, you talked me into all of this. I wanted to have one night with you but you kept coming back to my room. You talked me in to being with you. You said the age difference didn’t matter. You promised we’d be together. You were the one that told me you loved me first. After everything I told you about my ex and what she did to me and how unwell it made me, I just can’t believe you went and hurt me the way you have. I trusted you and you broke every promise you made. You lied and that lie you told **********, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that. You were even talking about holidays together. You talked me into everything we had and you’re the one that ruined it.

Lastly, I’m not even sure we can be friends anymore. This is so difficult for me because I still love you. I really care about you and it’s hard being friends with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I think I’ve just been holding onto the idea that one day we’ll eventually end up together and I think I need to let go of that. This is so difficult for me and I don’t think you actually realise how tough it is. You said you found it tough but you’re the one that ended it. I am struggling so much right now with everything and I needed you. Especially with everything that’s going on with me. I’m finding it really difficult that we don’t talk everyday like we used too. I came back to this university for us. If I knew you were going to hurt me, I would of gone somewhere else.

I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or guilt trip you as you said last time. That really pissed me off you saying that but you meant a lot to me. So I’m going to find this tough. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I get you got over me within a day but I find dealing with emotions tough and letting go of you is taking me a lot longer. I really hope we can be friends but right now, it doesn’t even feel like we are. I will keep trying for you but just please understand how tough this is for me. You barely even talk to me anymore so it feels like you don’t even care about being friends even though you keep saying you do. I’m the one that always messages you and you’ve just started ignoring me. 

Okay I think I’m done. I hope I  don’t come back and say something else but my memory sucks atm so if I do I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure I’ve said what I needed to say. I’m sorry if it upsets you and I really don’t mean too but I needed to say what I’ve said. I didn’t want to say it as it makes me feel weak and pathetic but I just feel like you should know how I’m feeling atm. 

So that’s the message. Should I send it or not? Any advice anyone can give would mean the world to me. Again I know it’s pathetic but this is how I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I should send it because I did all this with my ex and it just made me things worse. Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you’re having a good day 🙂 .

Blowing off steam!

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So yesterday I was thinking about making a post to do with the mind and thoughts you have but I just had an argument with my unofficial ex and I’m fucking livid! I’m sure everyone is sick of me venting about this but I made this blog so I could blow off steam and not do anything stupid to myself. If you have an ex or you’re just mad and you want to feel mad along with me then this is the post for you.

Me and my ex planned to meet tomorrow morning last week to vent and clear the air. I wanted to do this just under a month ago but nope, she was busy or gave some other shit reason why she couldn’t do it and now here we are. I messaged today to see if she was still coming by tomorrow. She said yes but she had the flu and that right there was the start of all this. I thought she was just going to cancel so I said “If you’re not well you don’t have too”. She said she wasn’t cancelling but then good old me said “I thought you were gonna cancel”. This started between 1-2 hours of arguing between us. That one comment that I couldn’t keep in my head. Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but just didn’t because you knew it would cause an argument? Could have been to anyone. Well she’s cancelled so many times that I just had to say something and the only reason I said it was because I didn’t think she’d get upset by it! I thought I can put how I feel in a delicate way without upsetting her. How was that even close to delicate? Moron. She then continued to have a go at me for not talking to her this weekend and then moments later she says she’s always busy! If you’re always busy, how the fuck am I meant to talk to you?! Agh! We then argued about how long she was going to stay until and because we’d been arguing for a while, I thought I’d ask if she was still coming by. She then called me a drama queen because I keep getting mad at her. So I put “No…I’m fucking mad that you ended things between us and you continue to treat me like shit!”. This led to us pausing the argument until now.

She messages me back a few hours later saying she’s a “little mad”. She says it’s because of me saying I’m mad at her and that she’s done nothing to me since she’s been back at university. I said let’s talk about it tomorrow when we meet up and but she said she wanted to talk about it now. She said “I feel hurt and mad” so I put “Well that’s how I’ve been feeling since you ended it”. Her response, “Stop fucking guilt tripping me for ending things man. That’s not fair.That was over like two months ago.”. This is where I decided to come on here and vent instead of doing something stupid. I just lost my cool. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to get over this but it meant something to me and she’s fucking telling me I should be over it by now?! I’m finding being her friend really tough and she is making no effort at all in this and yet she’s the one that wanted to stay friends! I think it upset me so much because I’ve been holding onto the idea that we will end up together again and her saying that just proved to me it’s never going to happen. I’ve finally come to the realisation in my head that we’re officially finished. I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to her tomorrow for the last week and every time I do, I call her by my ex’s name. I hate her so much now, my ex’s name just comes up in my head when I think of what I’m going to say to her. That is so sad…

Thanks for reading if you did 🙂 . Apologies for the grammar and the terrible writing. I’m going to blame it on my anger and my sleepiness. I’m seeing her in less than 8 hours so if anyone has any advice that would be awesome or if you’ve had a moment where you’ve wanted to say something but didn’t, feel free to type it out here. 🙂

Dreams and aspirations

Dreams and aspirations

So recently I’ve been thinking about things I’d like to achieve before I die and as I plan on dying at the age of 30 if I don’t get a girlfriend, I think I need to make a move on. I’ve recently been thinking about my bucket list, which is a list of “a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime”. I started thinking about what I could put on my list and decided to start writing it. Below are a few things I’ve put on my list.

img_0232 As you can see I only have 12 things at the moment but I’m sure I’ll think of more. Obviously, a lot of these are probably going to be impossible to achieve such as meeting Magic Johnson but I’d like to hope that I could meet my hero one day. Living in NYC has been a dream of mine since I was in secondary school and luckily, I got to go there in 2017 with my best friend. So that’s one achievement or goal I can cross off my list. However, living there now just seems like an unrealistic dream. Being diabetic, I’d have to pay for medical insurance in America and as I constantly suffer from Hypoglycemia, (Low blood sugar) I feel like I would have to pay a lot for insurance. Also, and correct me if I’m wrong as I’m not entirely sure how medical insurance works over there but I think your work or job you have has to cover you. I doubt many people in America are going to want to cover someone who constantly passes out from low blood sugar levels. So living in NYC seems pretty out of reach at this moment in time.
I’d love to learn how to play the piano or guitar. The piano is one of my favourite instruments and has been for such a long time. I learned to play the violin but I never really enjoyed it and the piano would be an instrument I would actually enjoy playing. Learning a new language as well would be amazing. I’d love to learn to speak Spanish as my Aunt speaks Spanish and lives there and that would be really cool to be able to speak to her. Also many people around the world can speak more than one language so I would feel like that was a good achievement to have.

A lot of the goals I have are about learning to do things or visiting new places. I don’t really like myself and I feel like I’m very stupid and don’t have any skills. I remember in primary school the teacher went around the classroom asking people what talent they have or what one thing they were really good at. I remember being the only person that didn’t give an answer because I couldn’t think of something I was good at. To this day I still can’t name something I’m talented at. I got to university but I’m going to finish with a 2:2 which I’m not proud of at all. Yeah people could argue I’ve been very unwell and I’ve been living with really horrible people and that hasn’t helped me at all but still, I should be doing better. I know I could have done better. My other goals are visiting places and seeing of much of the world as possible. Yeah I have a few fun things on my list like watching a live NBA game but as I said, most are learning new things or visiting places.

I’ll continue to add to my list and hopefully complete it so I can start working on achieving some of those goals and aspirations. I found a website recently called skillshare where it teaches you and helps you develop new skills. I think that website will help me a lot and may even help me with my university work. Have any of you guys made a bucket list? Or do you have any dreams or goals you’re aiming for at the moment? Feel free to comment on dreams you have or feel free to comment about mine. Hope you’re all having a good day 🙂

Feeling suicidal :(

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My day today, started out really well but I just woke up from a nap feeling suicidal. I woke up and my blood sugar was low so maybe that’s why but I don’t know. I just feel really isolated, I’m beating myself up (mentally) and I just feel suicidal.

My day started out with me going to my tutorial I had with my lecturer and talking about my dissertation. He asked how my summer was and how I was and I mentioned my break up this summer and he didn’t really give a response but it just felt good telling someone or venting about it. We talked about what work I needed to do and arranged to see each other again in 2 weeks time. I felt really good about our talk and what I needed to do so I left feeling really positive and being happy it was a good start to the day.

I then went shopping to buy some food and meals for myself as I didn’t have any food back at the flat. This is when my day started to go down hill. I got some food and I normally get a hot food snack but they didn’t have any this time and I wasn’t that bothered about it. I went to the self checkout and this is when I got really angry. I always get annoyed so easily in life but I was scanning my food and there just kept being problems with my checkout. There was loads of people using the self checkouts and there was one member of staff helping everyone. I thought that was so stupid as it was so busy and you leave one person to deal with everyone on their own. What really annoyed me is every time my till had a problem she’d walk straight past me and go to someone else. I get it’s busy but if you’re standing right next to me, why the hell are you ignoring me?! I’d wait for 10 minutes every time I had a problem so it took me like 40 minutes to get out the shop! It just really pissed me off and put me in a bad mood.

I then got home and decided to play on my Xbox to blow off steam but I recently bought a game and it’s just really pissing me off. There’s been a series of these games and they’ve changed the recent one so much that I’m just not very good at it. So that’s not making me happy at all and it’s just making me feel worse. I then again, got annoyed and got into a small argument with the girl who ended things between us as she just keeps pissing me off. I think I’m over her now though but I’m actually starting to hate her. I then found out yesterday that one of the girls I was living with last year has deleted me off Facebook. The girl I was dating is living with someone else I was friends with and I mentioned before in a previous post that girl now hates me and apparently bitches about me with the girl who deleted me off Facebook. I feel like after his breakup thing that I’m some how the bad guy or the villain in all of this. I’ve done nothing wrong and yet I’m the one being hated on and being punished.

So towards the end of the day I had a nap and woke up feeling suicidal and wanting to die. I’m just really unhappy at the moment and I don’t want to be here. I’m fed up with life being so difficult and constantly getting knocked down. I just feel like God is constantly beating me up and punishing me and I don’t get why. What have I done to deserve all of this?   That date on Saturday, I just knew it would go badly and it wouldn’t work and it didn’t. I think I just like to blame everything on God because I just don’t have an answer about why all this bad stuff keeps happening to me.

This blog helps me so much as it just allows me to vent how I’m feeling without anyone judging me or hurting my feelings. Thanks for reading and I hope you’re having a better day 🙂