I really don’t think it’s possible to be friends with your ex. I’m trying so hard to be friends with the girl I was recently with and I just don’t think it’s working. I don’t think I can do this anymore.
Two days ago we agreed not to talk again until the start of university. That night, she asked to FaceTime me because she was crying about what she had done with me and how horrible she had felt for doing that to her boyfriend. That’s not something I wanted to hear. I listened though and FaceTimed. I managed to make her feel better and calm her down. It broke my heart hearing what she had to say but I did it anyway as I’m trying to stay friends with her like she’s wanted. Last night though, I got very drunk and because there are no buses back to where I live, I had to walk about 2 miles home. I felt really bad so I messaged her as a friend to talk and yet again, it led to a huge argument. She refused to talk to me as we agreed to no talking but obviously she’s allowed to FaceTime me when she needs to vent about how she’s treated her boyfriend. I need to talk to a friend while I walk home and nothing?! I really want to talk about how badly she’s treated me since this all began but I just don’t think I can and yet I stupidly still love her. When this all started, I was expecting it to be a one time thing but she kept coming back. The she told me she loved me. That’s a huge statement for me. My ex said it to me and when we broke up, I ended up depressed and suicidal for nearly 10 years. So when she said it to me, I didn’t say it back. I had to go away and think about it as I wasn’t sure if she meant it. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I thought about it and I eventually said it back. Those 3 words actually mean something to me. When I say “I love you”, I mean it. Out of both the people to say that to me, I don’t think either of them meant it. Either that or they don’t know what those words mean. It’s a huge thing to say! She keeps saying I need to get over her, but why would someone say that to someone if you loved them?! I know she was and is dating someone so this relationship we had was doomed from the start. I’m furious at myself for falling for those words again. I’m an idiot. I keep making myself look pathetic in front of her so I don’t think she’s even attracted to me anymore. I’m not good at managing my emotions. I’m so angry at her for what she’s done to me, how she’s treated me, lying to me, breaking my heart after what I told her my ex did to me and now she’s not even being a good friend. She even constantly says that she never lies! Ever! The one night I needed her as a friend and she wouldn’t even do that. I was there for her and she wasn’t there for me. She’s even treating me like shit as a friend. She says she doesn’t even have friends and the one person that’s trying to be there for her as a friend she’s pushing them away. Over 30 people have told me to stay away but I just keep going back for me :(. I feel so stupid and pathetic.
Anyway the point of this post was to vent about people not knowing what “I love you” means. It’s a really big deal to me. It’s an emotion that doesn’t just go away in a few weeks. It’s not something you just get over. So why do people say it? To me, it’s an emotion that lasts a really long time. I’m so scared I’m going to end up depressed for another 10 years. Has anyone ever told you they loved you? Have you ever told someone you love them? I feel like I’m the only one that understands that emotion or maybe I’m the one that’s wrong in thinking it actually means something. What are your thoughts on the word “love”? Let me know what it means to you and situations you’ve been in involving love.