It is now 23.26 and at 23.20 tonight, I typed into google “I don’t want to live anymore”. I’m on the 10th floor of my apartment building, looking out the window and all I’m thinking about is just jumping out the window. I’m not actually scared of dying, I’m scared of the pain I might feel before I die. It’s weird that I’m not scared of dying as I’m sure most people are but it’s just not scary to me. It would just be like being asleep without dreams or nightmares. I really feel like I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.
When I typed into Google “I don’t want to live anymore”, I clicked on a number of web pages that came up. One of websites I clicked on was called “The Mighty” and the article was “I want you to want to live”. It has links for people living in the U.S and also a link for people outside the U.S. I’ll leave all the info it offers down below if you don’t want to visit the website. I live in England so I’ll also leave the number for Samaritans which is a suicide hot line for people in the UK who are thinking about dying. Anyway this website said some things that helped and also some things that didn’t help and I disagreed with. I just don’t think anyone can really make me feel better anymore. As stupid as it sounds, all I really want is a girlfriend. Out of all the things to feel suicidal about, mine is just not having a girlfriend. I think it’s just because I don’t love myself and having someone love me makes me feel like there’s something worth living for. I feel like I actually mean something and I’m not garbage. It makes me feel better about myself. Yesterday the girl who recently ended are non official relationship, told me she no longer loved me. She no longer finds me attractive in that way. Just after I finished writing my blog, “Do people really know what I love you means?”. Hearing that, has just made me want to die. How can you tell someone you love them and the just fall out of love with them? That just doesn’t make sense to me. I suppose I just have this idea that love lasts a really long time and means something. Hearing that she doesn’t love me anymore just made me feel shit. Leading to me thinking the whole day about wanting to kill myself. How would I do that? Where would I do that? When should I do that? I just don’t want to get to the age of 30 and had one serious relationship when I was 16. I mean, can you even call a relationship at the age of 16 serious? Probably not but it was to me. I just want to lose my memory all over again. That accident that happened in January was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Just waking up having forgotten everything felt so good. Maybe there’s a way I can just bang my head really hard and not die but just lose my memories. Someone needs to invent a drug for that because I would pay a lot and I mean a lot of money for that.
I just wish I had a girlfriend. Not millions of pounds, not super powers, I would even rather have a girlfriend over getting rid of my diabetes. Losing my ex and my diabetes are the things that made me depressed to start with anyway. So when I say I’d rather have a girlfriend then get rid of my diabetes, that’s how much having a relationship means to me. I used to think about being a Jedi (Star Wars if you don’t know and yes, I like Star Wars) because they learn to control their emotions and I thought they didn’t really experience them as we do. But the whole story of Star Wars is about a Jedi losing control of his emotions and becoming evil. I’ve always tried to be a good person and treat people how I want to be treated but doing that in relationships just doesn’t seem to be what girls want. They’d rather have the guy that treats them badly, instead of the guy that will do anything and everything to make them happy. I’m really struggling to find a reason to live anymore. Sorry for the depressing monologue but I was just feeling suicidal and I thought I’d use my blog to vent, rather than jumping out the window or doing something else to hurt myself. As always feel free to vent in the comments if you need too or if you have any advice that would mean a lot 😦
- If you need to talk, call 800-273-TALK (8255) for free, confidential, 24/7 help.
- Samaritans 116 123