Self Harm

self-harm-cycle

Last night I self harmed. I went into my larder downstairs and grabbed a hammer and went to the living room. I smashed myself across the face and went to do it again but flinched and accidentally chipped my front tooth. So I now have a swollen face, a bruised lip and a chipped tooth. I thought self harming would make me feel better but now I just feel worse because I have to live with a chipped tooth for the rest of my life. I mean, it’s only three years because that’s how long I’ve given myself if I don’t find a girlfriend and I really doubt I will now with a flipping chipped tooth. Great night.

So this is the first time I’ve self harmed in a long time and no, I don’t recommend it. I don’t mean like trying to kill myself I just mean hurting myself. I did it quite a lot when I was younger but as I got older I just started trying to end my life rather than hurt myself. I’ve cut my arms before, I’ve punched myself, I’ve punched walls and smacked my head against them, I even sliced up my face once when my first ex dumped me but a hammer is a new one. I mean I 100% regret it now but at the time I was just so angry. I basically got into an argument with the girl I had the recent breakup with and it made me lose my cool. We basically planned on hanging out this Sunday when I get back to uni and on Monday we were gonna hang out in the evening and have takeaway and watch movies and stuff. Just as friends. Then last night she cancelled Monday and was like I can only come round on Sunday for an hour, I got really pissed off and just stopped talking and went and hurt myself. I mean, I don’t care at all about how swollen and bruised my cheek is I just care about the tiny chip on my front tooth. I hate myself so much now. But yeah, I attached the image above because that’s how self harm works in my opinion. Except last night I missed the temporary relief part and just went straight to grief and emotional suffering. So it wasn’t worth it at all. I’m now all the way back to self harm because I just had another argument with her again because she’s apparently finding it difficult being friends. She has no fucking right to feel that way because it was her fucking idea to just be friends in the first place!  Agh I’m getting mad again. I don’t want to self harm again though because now I have to live with a chipped tooth all because I flinched. I’m such an idiot.

So, the moral of this story is, DON’T SELF HARM! EVER!. You’ll end up with scars or maybe even worse! It’s not worth it because even if you do feel some relief, you’ll just end up feeling shit again and you’ll just go back to it. I now have a chipped tooth for the rest of my life and I now hate myself even more. I already thought I couldn’t possibly hate myself more but good old me has managed to do it. If you feel like self harming, call someone. I  once at uni got so mad and angry I wanted to self harm but I got over it. I told you about all those years I spent getting well and all the people who helped me. They told me to be productive. So that time at uni I wanted to self harm, I instead went for a 6 mile run and wrote an essay that got me a first. Be productive. Let your anger and sadness out in a positive or productive way. You’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel than self-harming. If you’ve learned anything from this, I hope it’s not to self harm. Do something good that won’t hurt you. Anyway, I should have done this last night instead of getting a hammer as this was the productive answer. If you feel like self harming comment on this. Vent about your life and problems on here. Let me know your thoughts and situations in the comments 🙂

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