So I’ve just got back from my date I had tonight and just like I predicted, it didn’t go very well.
I got ready a few hours before the date and I think I looked pretty good. Not the best I’ve ever looked but I had no complaints. I wore jeans, a shirt, a jumper and my suit shoes 👞. I left at 18.00 and arrived at 19.20 and I met her by the door of the bar. From the very beginning of the date it felt awkward. We had drinks and spoke for a couple of hours but it just all felt forced. The conversation never started flowing or going smoothly. We’d bring up a conversation topic and it would last about 15-30 seconds and then there would just be awkward silences. It just didn’t feel natural. She was very nice and I really appreciate her staying for two hours. That made me feel a lot better. It wasn’t going well and we could both tell but she stayed and I appreciated that a lot. The first date I ever had that I told you about was just as bad but she just left and was rude. The girl I saw tonight was at least nice and didn’t just get up and leave even when it was tough. It was getting noisy in the bar towards the end so I suggested we leave and I was going to say we should go for a walk but I think she thought I meant let’s just end the night. So I’m not even upset or mad at it for ending when it did. When we spoke over messenger it went smoothly and it was easy to talk but it was the opposite in person. On the dating website I used, there was an article called “No more awkward silences”. It said “What everyone is looking for on a date is a sense of connection and chemistry. This is usually evident when the conversation is smooth and flowing. Communication is the route to intimacy so it’s worth knowing a few ways to get things back on track if the conversation dries up”. Unfortunately, I didn’t know and still don’t know how to get the conversation back on track if it dries up.
So overall, it wasn’t a great night. Saying that though, I don’t feel suicidal or feel like hurting myself. It really means a lot to me that she stayed for the time she did. Her doing that I think has actually left me feeling okay about what happened and not wanting to hurt myself. Maybe we just weren’t right for each other. I’m not in the best place at the moment anyway so that could have had an effect on it. I wasn’t confident and I just presumed it would go badly so that could have also played a part. I think the main problem was that it just felt forced. If I wasn’t feeling so down either or just gotten out of this breakup then maybe it would have gone better. So yeah, I’m not feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like self harming either. I just feel lonely and kind of empty. I want a girlfriend more than anything in the world but it just feels like it’s never going to happen :(. Positives though, I went on a date and I got asked on the date so that’s something. I feel like online dating is much tougher than meeting someone in real life and getting to know them that way. Online dating is like applying for a job where you have to pass certain tests. Meting someone normally and getting to know them over time feels much more comfortable that meeting someone online. Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know how my date went and to say that the date hasn’t made me want to hurt myself. Hope you’re having a better day than me 🙂