Date review…

No-more-awkward-silences

So I’ve just got back from my date I had tonight and just like I predicted, it didn’t go very well.

I got ready a few hours before the date and I think I looked pretty good. Not the best I’ve ever looked but I had no complaints. I wore jeans, a shirt, a jumper and my suit shoes 👞. I left at 18.00 and arrived at 19.20 and I met her by the door of the bar. From the very beginning of the date it felt awkward. We had drinks and spoke for a couple of hours but it just all felt forced. The conversation never started flowing or going smoothly. We’d bring up a conversation topic and it would last about 15-30 seconds and then there would just be awkward silences. It just didn’t feel natural. She was very nice and I really appreciate her staying for two hours. That made me feel a lot better. It wasn’t going well and we could both tell but she stayed and I appreciated that a lot. The first date I ever had that I told you about was just as bad but she just left and was rude. The girl I saw tonight was at least nice and didn’t just get up and leave even when it was tough. It was getting noisy in the bar towards the end so I suggested we leave and I was going to say we should go for a walk but I think she thought I meant let’s just end the night. So I’m not even upset or mad at it for ending when it did. When we spoke over messenger it went smoothly and it was easy to talk but it was the opposite in person. On the dating website I used, there was an article called “No more awkward silences”. It said “What everyone is looking for on a date is a sense of connection and chemistry. This is usually evident when the conversation is smooth and flowing. Communication is the route to intimacy so it’s worth knowing a few ways to get things back on track if the conversation dries up”. Unfortunately, I didn’t know and still don’t know how to get the conversation back on track if it dries up.

So overall, it wasn’t a great night. Saying that though, I don’t feel suicidal or feel like hurting myself. It really means a lot to me that she stayed for the time she did. Her doing that I think has actually left me feeling okay about what happened and not wanting to hurt myself. Maybe we just weren’t right for each other. I’m not in the best place at the moment anyway so that could have had an effect on it. I wasn’t confident and I just presumed it would go badly so that could have also played a part. I think the main problem was that it just felt forced. If I wasn’t feeling so down either or just gotten out of this breakup then maybe it would have gone better. So yeah, I’m not feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like self harming either. I just feel lonely and kind of empty. I want a girlfriend more than anything in the world but it just feels like it’s never going to happen :(. Positives though, I went on a date and I got asked on the date so that’s something. I feel like online dating is much tougher than meeting someone in real life and getting to know them that way. Online dating is like applying for a job where you have to pass certain tests. Meting someone normally and getting to know them over time feels much more comfortable that meeting someone online. Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know how my date went and to say that the date hasn’t made me want to hurt myself. Hope you’re having a better day than me 🙂

First dates

Romantic-date-ideas

Tomorrow evening, I’m going on a date and I’m pretty terrified. I don’t know what I’m going to wear, I’ve had my hair cut three times to try to make it look okay, it’s in a place I’ve never been to and…I’m not looking forward to it. After this recent breakup I thought this is what I needed but I’m just feeling negative about it.

I’ve only ever been on one date in my entire life and it went…badly. It was awful. Basically I met someone on a dating website and we decided to meet up for drinks. I decided to look the best I could and went to go meet her. She turned and looked at me like I was the worst looking person in the world. I mean, we met on a dating site and I put photo’s of myself on there so she knew what I looked like. She stayed for about 20 minutes before leaving me on my own. She made no effort to talk and replied to every question I asked with one word answers. This was at a time I was feeling suicidal and trying to get my life back on track as well. So overall, my experience with dating is pretty bad. The girl I’m seeing tomorrow, I also met online and she is so nice. She makes me smile so much and she asked me out! Yes! I know, unbelievable. I keep reading back the messages myself to make sure she actually did but yeah she asked me out. She’s so nice and we’ve gotten on so well but I’m just not looking forward to tomorrow. I’m having problems with one of my housemates, there’s still drama going on from last years flat which includes the girl I was seeing and I just don’t know if I can deal with this. I’m expecting to turn up, she’ll see me and then 30 minutes later I’ll be on my own. I have no idea what I’m even meant to wear. I don’t want to wear a shirt as I’ll have to put a jumper on over it and I get far to hot just wearing a t-shirt let alone a shirt and jumper. Plus, what if she does turn away or she doesn’t talk to me? I’m just going to feel even more suicidal than I already do and I doubt I’ll come on here if things don’t go well. I’ll probably just do something stupid and end up hurting myself or worse. I’m so nervous and anxious and it doesn’t help when I’m living with someone who is a complete dick bag who makes me upset and anxious all the time. I really want to go on this date but I just don’t feel like I’m ready.

I didn’t want to write about my date tomorrow but I hadn’t posted anything in a while and everything else on my mind is just a mess so I thought I should at least write something. I haven’t told anyone about my date as I didn’t want to jinx it but I’ve now told you guys so if it all goes wrong, it’s my fault for telling you all. There’s a lot of other things I want to vent about but as I said, my mind is a mess right now and I can’t put those thoughts into words. Any help you can provide me on dating would mean the world to me. Whether it’s on what to talk about, what to wear, what time to arrive or just how to not fuck it up would be much appreciated. I’ll probably post again tomorrow telling you how badly it went. Hope you’re all having a good day 🙂

Starting 4th year at University…

Dog studying

I’m now back at University and will be going to my classes next week. I thought I’d be happy to be back as I don’t really get along with my family but I’m not. I feel out-of-place, isolated. I feel lonely, like I’m not meant to be here. I’m living in halls again and my housemates don’ seem to like me. I’m 26 now and I already started university late at age 23 so I feel even more out-of-place than I did then. They’re all 18 so I don’t think they’d want to hang out with someone 8 years older than them anyway. The university has changed as well and they have new buildings and facilities and all my friends have graduated. I only really know a few people and the only one I talk to is the girl who ended are non-official relationship and it’s just really difficult being around her. I feel lost.

I met my housemates on Sunday and they just didn’t seem interested in talking to me. I already started talking to three of them on a group chat before I got here but when I arrived they didn’t seem to care. I arrived the same time as another guy and he just seems to hate me for some reason or another. Five of us went to an SU party on Sunday and two of them didn’t get in as they didn’t buy tickets. One of them was the guy who seems to hate me. He got in eventually and I saw him and grabbed him and said “Hey, you okay?” He just said “Yeah” and walked off. He doesn’t even talk to me in the flat or acknowledges me. I don’t even know the guy. Why are you being a dick? I hate when people are like that. He gets along with everyone else but hates me for some reason. Two girls I met on the group chat seem okay. One picked my shirt for the SU party so that was cool but they both don’t really talk to me either. We were at the party together and I lost them so I messaged where are you and they ignored it. I found them in the end but I just don’t get why they ignored it? I haven’t done anything to them, I just don’t get it. Walking back from the party though I spoke to one of them and she was really nice. We talked about being friends with people you break up with and that was really helpful as I’m currently trying to do that and she says it’s tough too. She was like “You’ve seen them naked so now it’s like awkward” which I thought was funny haha. One guy seems really nice and we both like Star Wars so that’s cool but again, I haven’t really spoken to him. I just met the other girl in the chat today and the last person is a girl in her 2nd year who again, doesn’t really seem to like me. So it hasn’t been a great start. I also saw the girl who ended things between us yesterday and that was difficult. We started hugging and lying next to each other and I thought something might have happened but she left because she was going to see a friend. Then 1 minute after she left she messaged saying a guy was hitting on her. Why would I want to hear that?!

So I feel so out-of-place, lonely, lost and miserable. I wish I had just gone to a new university and started afresh. That self-harming injury I caused is also worrying me. My cheek is still really swollen and I woke up with my ears covered in blood. Don’t know why smashing my cheekbone would have caused that but I’m a bit worried about that now as well. Now that I’m back I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t even like the room I’m in. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel ready for any of this. Any advice would mean a lot or if you just want to vent about what’s going on with you then feel free. I hope you’re having a better week than me 😦

 

Self Harm

self-harm-cycle

Last night I self harmed. I went into my larder downstairs and grabbed a hammer and went to the living room. I smashed myself across the face and went to do it again but flinched and accidentally chipped my front tooth. So I now have a swollen face, a bruised lip and a chipped tooth. I thought self harming would make me feel better but now I just feel worse because I have to live with a chipped tooth for the rest of my life. I mean, it’s only three years because that’s how long I’ve given myself if I don’t find a girlfriend and I really doubt I will now with a flipping chipped tooth. Great night.

So this is the first time I’ve self harmed in a long time and no, I don’t recommend it. I don’t mean like trying to kill myself I just mean hurting myself. I did it quite a lot when I was younger but as I got older I just started trying to end my life rather than hurt myself. I’ve cut my arms before, I’ve punched myself, I’ve punched walls and smacked my head against them, I even sliced up my face once when my first ex dumped me but a hammer is a new one. I mean I 100% regret it now but at the time I was just so angry. I basically got into an argument with the girl I had the recent breakup with and it made me lose my cool. We basically planned on hanging out this Sunday when I get back to uni and on Monday we were gonna hang out in the evening and have takeaway and watch movies and stuff. Just as friends. Then last night she cancelled Monday and was like I can only come round on Sunday for an hour, I got really pissed off and just stopped talking and went and hurt myself. I mean, I don’t care at all about how swollen and bruised my cheek is I just care about the tiny chip on my front tooth. I hate myself so much now. But yeah, I attached the image above because that’s how self harm works in my opinion. Except last night I missed the temporary relief part and just went straight to grief and emotional suffering. So it wasn’t worth it at all. I’m now all the way back to self harm because I just had another argument with her again because she’s apparently finding it difficult being friends. She has no fucking right to feel that way because it was her fucking idea to just be friends in the first place!  Agh I’m getting mad again. I don’t want to self harm again though because now I have to live with a chipped tooth all because I flinched. I’m such an idiot.

So, the moral of this story is, DON’T SELF HARM! EVER!. You’ll end up with scars or maybe even worse! It’s not worth it because even if you do feel some relief, you’ll just end up feeling shit again and you’ll just go back to it. I now have a chipped tooth for the rest of my life and I now hate myself even more. I already thought I couldn’t possibly hate myself more but good old me has managed to do it. If you feel like self harming, call someone. I  once at uni got so mad and angry I wanted to self harm but I got over it. I told you about all those years I spent getting well and all the people who helped me. They told me to be productive. So that time at uni I wanted to self harm, I instead went for a 6 mile run and wrote an essay that got me a first. Be productive. Let your anger and sadness out in a positive or productive way. You’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel than self-harming. If you’ve learned anything from this, I hope it’s not to self harm. Do something good that won’t hurt you. Anyway, I should have done this last night instead of getting a hammer as this was the productive answer. If you feel like self harming comment on this. Vent about your life and problems on here. Let me know your thoughts and situations in the comments 🙂

Heroes and Villains

Venom poster

What exactly is a hero and what is a villain? Well, the hero is usually the good person, the person we root for. The villain is the person we root against, the bad person. Examples of hero’s would be Superman, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Robin Hood or Indiana Jones.  Examples of villains would be The Joker, Voldemort, Darth Vader, Count Dracula or even the Shark in Jaws.  We root for what ever feels normal, what we think is right and good. So then let me give you a scenario and you tell me who’s the villain in this story.

A man, his wife and child are homeless on the street. They haven’t eaten for days and are starving for food. The father decides to break into a store and grab some food for his family. As he leaves the store though, a policeman is walking by and catches the man stealing the food. He chases after him and catches the man as he arrives back with his family. The man begs the policeman to let him go and to give the food to his family. The policeman says no, arrests the man and takes the food with him. So who’s the bad guy in this story? Is it the man for stealing food from the shop? Or is it the policeman for leaving a starving family with no food? Not so black and white anymore is it? Sure the man broke the law and so he should be arrested for his crime but he didn’t do it to hurt anyone, he did it to save his family. Good and bad are two sides of the same coin. In an article by Evan A. Poole called Heroes vs Villains, he says ” we root for the ‘hero’ to get his revenge, yet we then tell others an eye for an eye leaves us blind. We want the ‘villain’ dead, but we believe murder is wrong” (Poole, Evan A. 2017). He continues and says “The villain is someone who takes the option that benefits him, in spite of the costs. What’s actually wrong with that? The hero does the exact same thing!(Poole, Evan A. 2017)”. What we think is right may be bad in someone else’s eyes. In my life, I tend to think more about other people and taking care of them than myself. I put other people first before myself. I was talking to one of my friends the other day and he said maybe that’s why I fail in relationships I have. Because I put them first and I only look after them and I don’t ever think about myself and what I need or want. I just want to make other people happy and not myself. I’ve just always wanted to treat people in a good and kind way. If you’ve seen the movie Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix, there’s a line in the movie that I really love and want to share with you. It’s from the character Sirius and he says “You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened too”. He continues and says “The world isn’t split into good people and death eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are”. This line means a lot to me because I’ve always viewed the world as black and white. You have good people and bad people but the world isn’t like that. The world is grey. Both light and dark mixed together. I try to act on my light side and I try and be a good person for the most part. I’m not perfect but I try to be. I sometimes wish more people would try and be like that.

I called this post Heroes and Villains because I don’t feel like a hero but I feel like I’m the only good person sometimes. I feel like maybe I should just treat people badly and  be selfish and arrogant because I feel like being nice just makes me miserable as the world keeps punishing me. I’d love to know what your thoughts on heroes and villains are. Do you think the world is black and white or is it more grey? I think I need to get out of this habit of viewing the world as black and white. Feel free to leave your comments or vent about what’s happening in your life. Thanks for reading :).

James Bond,007

James Bond,007So recently I’ve been going through the Daniel Craig James Bond movies. You know, instead of doing my dissertation research (Smooth move).

I grew up with James Bond and saw my first Bond movie when I was 7 or something. It was around that age anyway. I’ve seen every Bond movie there’s been and my favourite has to be Casino Royal. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it. The first movie I watched was Goldfinger with Sean Connery. I fell in love with the character and I guess in some way he’s a sort of hero of mine. Even the car in that movie (Aston Martin DB5) has always been my dream car. The characters class, intelligence, smooth talk with the ladies, cunning and calm demeanour have always been traits I wish I had. Nothing ever seems to phase him and he gets through and over any situation, no matter how impossible it may seem. He’s almost a sort of superhero. However, saying all of that, Daniel Craig has to be my favourite James Bond of all time. I say he’s my favourite because in my opinion, he brings a human side to the character. What I mean by this is that he does get beaten up, he isn’t always perfect and he does get emotionally hurt.  Casino Royal proved that. He’s the first James Bond I’ve actually been able to relate too. Like I said, he’s always appeared to be some kind of superhero and I’m not saying Daniel Craig’s Bond isn’t because he still has all those amazing traits and abilities the other Bonds have but the human side he brings to the character is really relatable. Not just to me but I’m sure to everyone in one way or another. He experiences love, heartbreak, loss, anger, frustration and even sometimes fear. Emotions I can relate too and emotions many of the other James Bonds fail to show sometimes. The 25th James Bond will be coming out I believe in the winter of 2019 and I am so happy Daniel Craig has returned to play the character. As I said earlier, if you haven’t seen the Daniel Craig Bond movies I highly recommend them. Even if you’re not a James Bond fan then I at least recommend you see Casino Royal.

Many apologies for this late post. I was meant to post it the other day but if any of you saw my last post, I’ve been feeling very down and quite suicidal. I’ve been feeling even worse over the last two days so I found finishing this post today difficult. I may write another post today about how I’m feeling and events that have been gong on with me but as the last post was so depressing I feel like I should just leave you with this one for now. Do any of you have thoughts on the character James Bond? Are you just of much as of a fan as me? If you have any thoughts or stories you feel like sharing about the character, just write something in the comments or if you just want to vent about what’s happening in your life then please do so. I’m not the only blogger on here who talks about mental health and a few of the people who are following my blog have really great blogs as well so I recommend having a look at them. Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great day :).

I don’t want to live anymore

Crying 2

It is now 23.26 and at 23.20 tonight, I typed into google “I don’t want to live anymore”. I’m on the 10th floor of my apartment building, looking out the window and all I’m thinking about is just jumping out the window. I’m not actually scared of dying, I’m scared of the pain I might feel before I die. It’s weird that I’m not scared of dying as I’m sure most people are but it’s just not scary to me. It would just be like being asleep without dreams or nightmares. I really feel like I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.

When I typed into Google “I don’t want to live anymore”, I clicked on a number of web pages that came up. One of websites I clicked on was called “The Mighty” and the article was “I want you to want to live”.  It has links for people living in the U.S and also a link for people outside the U.S. I’ll leave all the info it offers down below if you don’t want to visit the website. I live in England so I’ll also leave the number for Samaritans which is a suicide hot line for people in the UK who are thinking about dying. Anyway this website said some things that helped and also some things that didn’t help and I disagreed with. I just don’t think anyone can really make me feel better anymore. As stupid as it sounds, all I really want is a girlfriend. Out of all the things to feel suicidal about, mine is just not having a girlfriend. I think it’s just because I don’t love myself and having someone love me makes me feel like there’s something worth living for. I feel like I actually mean something and I’m not garbage. It makes me feel better about myself.  Yesterday the girl who recently ended are non official relationship, told me she no longer loved me. She no longer finds me attractive in that way. Just after I finished writing my blog, “Do people really know what I love you means?”. Hearing that, has just made me want to die. How can you tell someone you love them and the just fall out of love with them? That just doesn’t make sense to me. I suppose I just have this idea that love lasts a really long time and means something. Hearing that she doesn’t love me anymore just made me feel shit. Leading to me thinking the whole day about wanting to kill myself. How would I do that? Where would I do that? When should I do that? I just don’t want to get to the age of 30 and had one serious relationship when I was 16. I mean, can you even call a relationship at the age of 16 serious? Probably not but it was to me. I just want to lose my memory all over again. That accident that happened in January was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  Just waking up having forgotten everything felt so good. Maybe there’s a way I can just bang my head really hard and not die but just lose my memories. Someone needs to invent a drug for that because I would pay a lot and I mean a lot of money for that.

I just wish I had a girlfriend. Not millions of pounds, not super powers, I would even rather have a girlfriend over getting rid of my diabetes. Losing my ex and my diabetes are the things that made me depressed to start with anyway. So when I say I’d rather have a girlfriend then get rid of my diabetes, that’s how much having a relationship means to me. I used to think about being a Jedi (Star Wars if you don’t know and yes, I like Star Wars) because they learn to control their emotions and I thought they didn’t really experience them as we do. But the whole story of Star Wars is about a Jedi losing control of his emotions and becoming evil. I’ve always tried to be a good person and treat people how I want to be treated but doing that in relationships just doesn’t seem to be what girls want. They’d rather have the guy that treats them badly, instead of the guy that will do anything and everything to make them happy. I’m really struggling to find a reason to live anymore. Sorry for the depressing monologue but I was just feeling suicidal and I thought I’d use my blog to vent, rather than jumping out the window or doing something else to hurt myself. As always feel free to vent in the comments if you need too or if you have any advice that would mean a lot 😦

Support for you

If you are outside of the US…

I want you to want to live

  • If you need to talk, call 800-273-TALK (8255) for free, confidential, 24/7 help.
  • Samaritans 116 123