Dear God…

Dear God

Hi everyone 🙂 It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and I’ve recently been talking to God lately, or myself whether you believe in him or not. Basically I’ve just been talking to him out loud with no one around and not in a positive way. So if you believe in God, this won’t be the post for you to read and I really recommend you skip this one if you do believe in God because it will get intense. I don’t know if I really believe in God and I don’t go to church or anything like that. But I’ve struggled in my life a lot and it’s just good to talk out loud thinking someone is listening. Obviously there are many, many people around the world that are in far worse situations than me but my life I think, has still been very difficult. I’ve made this post because I wanted to just vent in a sort of letter to God rather than just talking out loud. So, here is my letter and as I said at the beginning, it will not be a nice letter. So,  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Dear God,

What the fuck is your problem with me?! You have treated me like absolute shit my whole life and for what reason?! You’ve never told me what I’ve done to you or what I’ve done that makes me such a horrible person that I need to be punished all the fucking time. I think I’ve been a pretty decent, good and kind person throughout my life. I’ve never killed anyone or committed a serious crime. I treat people with respect and I even thank you when you do kind things for me. Which, is very fucking rare! And when you do kind things for me, you then later punish me and take the nice things you’ve done away from me. E.g, previous relationships. Let me go through some of the fucking horrible things you’ve done to me throughout my life.

At the age of two or three, you gave me pneumonia. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at that fucking age to deserve that?! Don’t worry dick bag, I’ll let that one pass as I don’t remember it. At the age of five, my Dad left and my Mum and Dad split. Leaving me with no male role model growing up and having to learn everything a man needs to know on my own. I haven’t even learnt how to shave and I just use a fucking electric one because my Dad wasn’t around to teach me that life lesson. Nice that everyone else had their fucking Dad growing up and got to learn everything they needed to know. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at the age of five to deserve that punishment. Let me have a guess. Nothing? Seems like it.

Moments during primary school and a lot during secondary school, 6th form and college, I was bullied. What. The. Fuck?! I must have deserved that for being nice to everyone. You gave me lots of friends and I wasn’t bullied all the time but quite a lot. So thanks for that twat. Lets put some icing on the cake here shall we. At age 14, you gave me type 1 diabetes. What. The. Fuck?! I’m blaming this all on you because no one in my family has that condition. No one! I took care of my body and played sport all the fucking time! Pretty much non stop. I ate healthily and took care of my body. I still haven’t been given a fucking answer about why I got it! I’ve asked so many people and mentioned it so many times and no one can give me an answer. Fucking dick! So that’s all on you twat. Next, the most horrible and painful thing you’ve done to me. You gave me my first relationship and made it end horribly. You even did the unthinkable during that relationship (I’m not going to mention it as I hate thinking about it and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me). She treated me like shit and broke my heart. Leaving me with serve depression for almost 10 fucking years. Cunt! I treated her so well and was almost the perfect boyfriend. What. The. Fuck?! However, she broke up with me twice and the first time I went up the lane where I live and I sat on a gate that leads into another filed. I cried for such a long time and I prayed to you to please give her back to me and let us be in a relationship again. You gave her back to me and then on my 18th birthday, got her to finally dump me for the last time. FUCKING DICK! She then went off and fucked so many different guys and obviously I head about all of them. Not a couple of months after dumping me, but with a day or two. Fucking whore! You’ve left me single for 10 years now and I am unable to get a girlfriend. Not for lack of trying but just because you’re a dick.

Next, making me go bald. What. The. Fuck?! Why?! Why the fuck are you punishing me with that at the age of fucking 27?! Such a cunt! You didn’t even get my Dad or other family members to tell me that other members in my family went bald because if you had, I would have saved up money over the years so I could get a transplant! But no, of course you wouldn’t do that for me. That would be far to nice of you. If I had saved money, I would have more than enough to afford a transplant. But now, I have practically £0 in my bank account. Thanks dick head! Moving on, I’ve been on two dates in my life (pathetic I know) and both went horribly. What. The. Fuck?! Why? People tell me I’m attractive although I don’t believe them so what’s the fucking problem? And now, the final thing that comes to mind is my most recent relationship. When I woke up from my coma, I felt the best I’ve felt in absolute years! I felt amazing! And then, I started hooking up with an amazing girl who eventually told me she loved me and would leave her boyfriend for me. But oh no, that was far to fucking nice of you to do that to me. So you made her pick her boyfriend over me, dump me and now she’s no longer talking to me because she needs to work on her health and wants me to work on mine. What. The. Fuck?! The first thing close to a relationship I’ve had in almost 10 years and you take it away from me. Why? What was the fucking reason for that? Was it because I’m failing at university? Which is another fucking thing I’m blaming you for! First year, I got a first for my work but of course God, first year grades don’t count so no marks from that towards my overall grade. You then had my fucking house mates both first year and second year treat me like shit. What. The. Fuck?! Why? What the fuck did I do to them? I’ll tell what I did! Fuck all you twat!

All I have to say to you is, you deserve to be in fucking hell for the way you’ve treated me throughout my life. The things I’ve listed are only some of the things that instantly come to mind! I’m sure you’ve done some other fucking horrible things throughout my life. I’m sure at the end of uni I’ll graduate with a third rather than a first which is what I should have gotten! Why don’t you just keep adding to the fucking pile of horrible things you can do to me. You are an absolute fucking piece of shit and from now on, I am going to insult you and swear at you every time you do something horrible to me and don’t you worry, I’ll say amen at the end. I’m going to kill myself at 30 unless you fucking start treating me well. I may even move up that date as you’re making me lose hair at a billion miles an hour like the fucking cunt you are. You won’t even give me a fucking explanation of why you’re treating me life this. You won’t even tell me what to do to apologise and make things right. I’ve been nice to you throughout my life and always thanked you for the few things you’ve done for me that have been nice but like I said, you’ve then always punished me and taken them away from me. JUST FUCKING TREAT ME RIGHT! FUCKING TREAT ME NICELY! I’m going to treat you like shit and insult you all the time until you change the way you treat me as you don’t fucking deserve anything nice until you treat me well.

Right now, all I’m asking for and have been asking for is a girlfriend and to win the lottery or get enough money to afford a hair transplant. Just stop being a fucking dick!

Okay, I think I’m done. I’m so sorry to everyone reading this for it being such a long post and for upsetting anyone but I needed to say that and to vent which is what this blog is for. So I’m sorry for upsetting anyone. Feel free to leave a comment or ask anything. I hope you’re all well and having a good day. Thanks for reading :).

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Merry Christmas!

christmas mental health

Happy Christmas everyone! 🙂 I hope you’re having  lovely day and celebrating the day with loved ones. I felt like making a post as it’s Christmas and I wanted to wish everyone Happy Christmas. I hate to talk about my mental health on this day but I felt like it was needed as I’m feeling very low and like I’ve done before, I’ve self harmed instead of talking on here. So this post might be depressing and I’d actually prefer you don’t read on as I don’t want to ruin your holidays. So if you’re leaving, happy holidays and I hope you’re having  a great day :).

Okay, so if you’ve stuck around I’ll get into the depressing stuff. So I don’t know if I mentioned this before but my younger sister and I had a falling out over the summer. Basically we got into an argument on her birthday over something silly. I was playing a game and I needed to go upstairs to grab something. So I asked her if she wouldn’t mind taking over as I had a chance to win VC (Virtual currency). When I cam back downstairs, she had dumped the controller down on the chair and wasn’t paying attention. I got upset and I had a go at her. She chucked my present to her in the trash and she hasn’t spoken to me since then. Now I know I shouldn’t have had a go at her over something so small, so yes it was my fault. I wasn’t even upset about her putting the controller down, it was the fact that she promised to do something and then didn’t do that. I get very upset when people make promises to me and then break them. It’s happened a lot to me and I just don’t understand why people make promises if they can’t keep them. If someone asked me to promise them I’d come visit, I wouldn’t. I’d say I’d try my best but I wouldn’t promise because things come up and interfere. Don’t say you’ll do something if you won’t because it will just upset the person. I was going to apologise but she threw my present in the trash so I still haven’t and I’m not going. I mentioned this because she still hasn’t spoken to me or tried to fix things between us. Christmas should be spent with your family and loved ones. She didn’t get me a present either and has just ignored me so that has really upset me. My mum has also banned me from ever coming to her house. It’s the reason I’m living with my aunt and I absolutely hate her for it. I begged her to let me come live with her and I even told her I was feeling suicidal. She said over the summer I bought an aggressive and horrible attitude to the house and I made her and my sisters feel uncomfortable and she never wants me in her house again. Growing up  was very aggressive but this summer I wasn’t even close to that. I stayed in my room, washed up, walked the dog and tried to help out whenever I could. She is a disgusting human being. I use to be aggressive yes but I have changed completely and I am no longer like that. She hasn’t changed one bit and she’s always treated me like shit. It probably explains why my aunt bullies me so much as well. Anyway, both my mother and sister treating me like this has ruined Christmas for me.

One slight positive is that my Dad has allowed me to stay with him and his flatmate this Christmas. I’m very happy about this as I literally have been so close to killing myself and having time away from my aunt has been much-needed. It’s only for just under a week but it’s something at least. About a week or two ago I begged my Dad to let me come live with him and that I was feeling suicidal. His response? I’m blackmailing him. Not an A* their Dad for when your son is telling you he’s thinking about taking is own life. Anyway I bring this up because I’ve had a lot of injuries recently and I was talking to my Dad about them about an hour ago. I said I didn’t want to go into the conversation as it would ruin the Christmas spirit but we carried on talking and then he said we should talk about this another time as it will turn into a huge, heated argument. He then said not heated but intense. Ummmmmm? I said lets end the conversation so don’t carry it on and then tell me to end the conversation and why when we have it, does it have to be heated and intense? Basically when we were talking about it just now he said it’s all my fault for not ;leaving university when he told me too and that I shouldn’t go back. So that’s also ruined the day for me. I can’t wait for that conversation to happy before I go back to verbal abuse from my aunt. My family truly is the best.

To add to the list, I’m losing hair and I am going bald. I’ll make a post on this and go into more depth but looking at my hair, it just seems like I’m losing more and more pretty fast. It’s making me really depressed and I’d literally rather die than have no hair. I have a bald path basically at my scalp and at the front my hair is receding back quicker and quicker.It is making me so upset and I am hating myself more and more everyday. My aunt also pointed it out and was basically criticising me on it making me feel even more shit about it. Pointing out how noticeable it was when standing behind me. She knows I’m having mental health issues and she’s just making me worse by being a bitch with comments like that. I’m trying to use a Regaine I think it is but I haven’t been using it for long and you apparently only start noticing after 6 months I think so I’m hoping that will help me grow more hair at the back. I’m also hoping my current GP will refer me to see someone about gong bald and am also hoping that I can work enough this year and save up for a hair transplant maybe? Very unlikely as I need the money to save up for my own flat when I graduate but I suppose I can dream I’ll have enough money.  Maybe me being so stressed out is causing my hair to fall out quicker but I have no idea if that’s true or not.

I am currently trying to stay positive and put myself in a good mood. I’m watching the NBA right now as I received a free league pass trial for a week as it’s Christmas so that was really nice. I’ve had some coke and my Dad got me my favourite drink  Purdey’s and Paprika crisps which my Dad got me so that was nice of him. But I am still feeling very depressed, low, stressed and shaken up by what’s going on in my life and I’ve only mentioned the things on my mind right now! Anyway this post has been very long so I wish you all Happy Christmas and I hope you’re having a good day and feeling well. Goodnight 🙂

My Aunt

Aunt

So I dropped out of University. Not forever but hopefully I’ll return in September 2019. At least that’s the plan anyway. As I said in my last post, I’ve become really unwell and it got to the point where I had to drop out because I have to take care of my health or I’ll probably end up dying. I wanted to go back and live with my Mum and Dad but both of them are treating me like shit and putting other people first. My Aunt though offered to let me stay with her until I return to university in September which was incredibly kind as I don’t even know her. So until then, I have to work on my health, get a part-time job and just sort my life out.

My Mum and Dad are being complete dick’s at the moment. My mum won’t let me stay with her and she has never liked me at all. Her reason I couldn’t stay with her was because there wasn’t enough room in the house for all my stuff and my sisters are living there as well. Firstly, my older sister is 31 and still living at home. She is completely healthy and is functioning well. Why the fuck are you putting her before me?! She should have moved out by now! I am really unwell and she’s perfectly fine but it’s more important she stays home over me?! A* Mum. Secondly, my younger sister is at university! So how the fuck am I going to take up to much space if my sister isn’t even living at home?! You’re putting her before me when again, she’s perfectly healthy and not even living at home. It’s fucking disgusting.

As for my Dad, when I told him I wanted to drop out off university for the year, his response was this. “I’d rather you stay there and if you fail, you fail. There is also no room in the flat for you as my flat mate doesn’t want you living with me”. What. The. Fuck! So just like mum, you’re putting someone else before me. Someone who isn’t even fucking related to you? This is the man who has been telling me since I started university that I need to put my health first before anything and now I’ve finally agreed to, you’re telling me to fuck off basically.  He also said if I came to his, I’d end up lying in bed all day and not bother doing anything. I wouldn’t try to get well and I’d just sit around on my Xbox. How fucking dare you. As soon as I’ve finished university and I have my own place, I’m cutting my family out of my life. I’m so fucking ill and both my parents have told me to fuck off. My mum has always treated me like shit and I grew up arguing with her. We had such an intense argument once, she smashed a plate over my head. I hate her and I’m fucking furious at my dad. I don’t want them in my life anymore. I’m going to use them to get what I need and when I have my own place, my own job and life, they can all go to hell.

So after all of this, I’ve come to stay with my aunt for the year while I try to get well. However, just like everyone else in my family, we are completely different people. For one thing, she’s racist! What the fuck?! That is not fucking okay with me but as I have nowhere to live as my family won’t let me live with them, I have to put up with that. Being racist is fucking over the line and I am not okay with that. We also started talking about what time I need to get up in the morning and I said 8.00am. She then started having ago at me and saying “No way”. 7.30 is the latest you should be getting up”. She then started talking about what she did back her day and how she functions. Firstly, if you’ve ever had depression and mental health issues, you will know that getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world. Yeah I need to get well and to start functioning but she has to get that I’m not well and it’s going to be tough for me. She then recycles and has a go at me if I don’t do it or if I do it wrong. I know that in this situation I’m the bad guy as you should recycle but I don’t care about recycling. Recycling is about taking care of the world but my thought process is this. If the world has treated me like shit my entire life and doesn’t give a fuck about me, why should I take care of it? Yeah I know it’s bad but that’s just how I feel about it. I know she’s trying to help and it means the world to me for what she’s done but there are just certain things about her I am not okay with. As I have no where else to go though, I have to follow her rules and function how she wants me too.

I’m really not okay with my current situation and my family are being so shit at the moment. I really do hate them right now and just wish they would all fuck off but I wouldn’t be able to survive without them and I need them at the moment. As soon as I don’t though, they can all fuck off!

Thank you all for reading. I hope your day is going well and everything is okay for you. If you have any thoughts on what I’ve said or if you have anything you related you want to vent about then feel free to comment. Thanks 🙂

What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).

A nice ending ☺️

Goodbye Hug

It’s not very often you ever have a good breakup with someone. People always end up getting hurt, there are arguments, you both end up hurting each other and it’s just one of the toughest things you have to deal with in your life. On the Monday just gone though, the girl I’ve been talking about over the last few months who broke things off between us, came round and we actually finally ended things nicely.

In my very first relationship, when we broke up it ended really badly. It didn’t end nicely at all. We argued, she hurt me by getting with several other people when we broke up, she ended it on my 18th birthday and she was just so horrible. She never gave me answers to questions I had and she went around the whole school telling everyone how horrible I was. Not as in mean but as in horrible at relationship stuff and that was just horrible for me. The girl who recently ended things with me, I started hating her as much as my ex from before. I just felt like she got over me instantly and I don’t get how you get over someone that quickly if you love them. On the 22nd of this month though, the Monday just gone, she came round and we sat down and talked about everything. Since she ended things, all we had been doing was arguing nonstop. I’ve been wanting to talk about everything because I didn’t get to do this with my ex and if we were going to stay friends, I felt like we needed to do this. She said what she wanted to say, I vented about everything and said how I was hurt by what she had done. The lie she told **********, making promises and breaking them all and just how shitty it was of her to do what she’s done. I told her that she just reminded me of my ex and that I was finding just being friends really hard but she wasn’t anything like my ex. She didn’t interrupt me or argue with me, she didn’t have a go at me or shout at me. She didn’t even get up and walk out. She just, listened. She sat there and listened to everything I had said too. I mean, it meant and still means the world to me that she just heard me out and didn’t argue with me or call me pathetic. She even did what my ex would have never of done and said sorry and not just once but several times.

We continued to talk about everything that had happened and she told me that she does still have feelings for me and I really needed to hear that. Not so I can try to get her back but so I know that she didn’t just get over me instantly. She just explained that she does still like me but she’s in a relationship and has been for a while and she wants to try to make it work. She feels so bad for not being with me and promising to breakup with him but she wants to give it one last shot. The whole situation between us has just been really bad timing. I even said I was going to ask her out as soon as she was single and she said “I hope you do”. She cried and got upset because she had hurt me so much and it was just a very emotional day. After we finished talking she stayed over and we hung out for a couple of hours and it was really nice. We just laid down together and hugged until she had to leave.

It was the best ending I could have possible asked for and we haven’t had one argument since. As much as I feel better about the whole situation, I’m still really upset. I’m so happy that it happened the way it did but I love her so much and her being as amazing as she was on Monday just makes me miss her even more. It just sucks that she’s in a relationship because if she wasn’t, we’d be together. I totally get why she ended it with me because she’s been in that relationship for a long time and it makes sense why she doesn’t just want to throw it away. It’s been a big part of her life and I’ve never been in a relationship for that long so I’m sure it must be really tough to let it go. I just wish she could have because I know we could be amazing together. We both still have huge feelings for each other and I think that’s what’s going to make this tough. It means the world though that she came round and we sorted it all out. I’m obviously still really upset and I still really want to be with her but it ended on a nice note and I couldn’t ask for anything more. She’s nothing like my ex at all and her doing what she did Monday meant the world to me and I can’t thank her enough for it. I care about her so much, it just makes me feel really bad for how I’ve been talking about her on here and how I’ve been so angry at her and hating her. She even admitted that she hadn’t handled it well because she was so upset for having ended it. It was the best ending to what we had and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I don’t know if we will ever be together and I don’t know if I should hold onto the idea that we will be but it means a lot to me that we ended things positively.

Have any of you had a nice breakup? If you haven’t, how would you of liked your relationship to have ended? Feel free to share your stories or thoughts on my situation in the comments below. Thanks for reading :).

A message to my ex

how-to-unread-a-message-on-iphone1

I need your help. So as you know, I’ve been trying to stay friends with the girl that recently split up with me. Again, we weren’t officially together because she had and has a boyfriend but we were hooking up all the time and she promised she’d be with me and she told me she loved me so we basically were together unofficially. I want to send her this message but I feel like it makes me seem weak and pathetic. I’m holding onto the idea that one day we’ll end up together and I probably need to let go of that but I’m finding it hard. Anyway, I want people’s opinion on this message I’ve written out. Should I send or not? And if I do, what should I change about it? Your opinions and advice would really help me a lot and I’d really appreciate it. So here it is…

Okay, so here’s what I want to say. I think you’re so stupid for ending things between us. We could of made each other so happy and you made me feel the best I’ve felt in years. I felt like you needed me and that made me feel worth while and really good about myself. I know you love your boyfriend but I really think I could of made you so much happier than you are with him. We were great together and I know we weren’t actually together but it felt real for me. After how he’s treated you, I just don’t get why you threw me away. You also say you’re closing a chapter in your life and moving on but you really haven’t. Nothings changed in your life at all. All you’ve done is hurt me and got rid of me. That isn’t changing anything. I get you want to be well but if you did you’d be changing a lot more than just hurting me. I think it’s fucking unfair.

Next, you talked me into all of this. I wanted to have one night with you but you kept coming back to my room. You talked me in to being with you. You said the age difference didn’t matter. You promised we’d be together. You were the one that told me you loved me first. After everything I told you about my ex and what she did to me and how unwell it made me, I just can’t believe you went and hurt me the way you have. I trusted you and you broke every promise you made. You lied and that lie you told **********, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that. You were even talking about holidays together. You talked me into everything we had and you’re the one that ruined it.

Lastly, I’m not even sure we can be friends anymore. This is so difficult for me because I still love you. I really care about you and it’s hard being friends with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I think I’ve just been holding onto the idea that one day we’ll eventually end up together and I think I need to let go of that. This is so difficult for me and I don’t think you actually realise how tough it is. You said you found it tough but you’re the one that ended it. I am struggling so much right now with everything and I needed you. Especially with everything that’s going on with me. I’m finding it really difficult that we don’t talk everyday like we used too. I came back to this university for us. If I knew you were going to hurt me, I would of gone somewhere else.

I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or guilt trip you as you said last time. That really pissed me off you saying that but you meant a lot to me. So I’m going to find this tough. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I get you got over me within a day but I find dealing with emotions tough and letting go of you is taking me a lot longer. I really hope we can be friends but right now, it doesn’t even feel like we are. I will keep trying for you but just please understand how tough this is for me. You barely even talk to me anymore so it feels like you don’t even care about being friends even though you keep saying you do. I’m the one that always messages you and you’ve just started ignoring me. 

Okay I think I’m done. I hope I  don’t come back and say something else but my memory sucks atm so if I do I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure I’ve said what I needed to say. I’m sorry if it upsets you and I really don’t mean too but I needed to say what I’ve said. I didn’t want to say it as it makes me feel weak and pathetic but I just feel like you should know how I’m feeling atm. 

So that’s the message. Should I send it or not? Any advice anyone can give would mean the world to me. Again I know it’s pathetic but this is how I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I should send it because I did all this with my ex and it just made me things worse. Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you’re having a good day 🙂 .

Feeling suicidal :(

250px-Claustrophobia

My day today, started out really well but I just woke up from a nap feeling suicidal. I woke up and my blood sugar was low so maybe that’s why but I don’t know. I just feel really isolated, I’m beating myself up (mentally) and I just feel suicidal.

My day started out with me going to my tutorial I had with my lecturer and talking about my dissertation. He asked how my summer was and how I was and I mentioned my break up this summer and he didn’t really give a response but it just felt good telling someone or venting about it. We talked about what work I needed to do and arranged to see each other again in 2 weeks time. I felt really good about our talk and what I needed to do so I left feeling really positive and being happy it was a good start to the day.

I then went shopping to buy some food and meals for myself as I didn’t have any food back at the flat. This is when my day started to go down hill. I got some food and I normally get a hot food snack but they didn’t have any this time and I wasn’t that bothered about it. I went to the self checkout and this is when I got really angry. I always get annoyed so easily in life but I was scanning my food and there just kept being problems with my checkout. There was loads of people using the self checkouts and there was one member of staff helping everyone. I thought that was so stupid as it was so busy and you leave one person to deal with everyone on their own. What really annoyed me is every time my till had a problem she’d walk straight past me and go to someone else. I get it’s busy but if you’re standing right next to me, why the hell are you ignoring me?! I’d wait for 10 minutes every time I had a problem so it took me like 40 minutes to get out the shop! It just really pissed me off and put me in a bad mood.

I then got home and decided to play on my Xbox to blow off steam but I recently bought a game and it’s just really pissing me off. There’s been a series of these games and they’ve changed the recent one so much that I’m just not very good at it. So that’s not making me happy at all and it’s just making me feel worse. I then again, got annoyed and got into a small argument with the girl who ended things between us as she just keeps pissing me off. I think I’m over her now though but I’m actually starting to hate her. I then found out yesterday that one of the girls I was living with last year has deleted me off Facebook. The girl I was dating is living with someone else I was friends with and I mentioned before in a previous post that girl now hates me and apparently bitches about me with the girl who deleted me off Facebook. I feel like after his breakup thing that I’m some how the bad guy or the villain in all of this. I’ve done nothing wrong and yet I’m the one being hated on and being punished.

So towards the end of the day I had a nap and woke up feeling suicidal and wanting to die. I’m just really unhappy at the moment and I don’t want to be here. I’m fed up with life being so difficult and constantly getting knocked down. I just feel like God is constantly beating me up and punishing me and I don’t get why. What have I done to deserve all of this?   That date on Saturday, I just knew it would go badly and it wouldn’t work and it didn’t. I think I just like to blame everything on God because I just don’t have an answer about why all this bad stuff keeps happening to me.

This blog helps me so much as it just allows me to vent how I’m feeling without anyone judging me or hurting my feelings. Thanks for reading and I hope you’re having a better day 🙂