It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and a lot has happened since Christmas. I don’t feel really depressed or suicidal right now which is what I’ve been using this blog for, but I felt like I should post an update of what’s been going on and to show I’m still alive.
So firstly, I’ve not killed myself! Which I’m pretty shocked by because I’ve been in such a low place since August and up until now, it had just been getting worse and worse. So I’m not happy about being alive but I’m happy I’ve managed to not kill myself and have kept fighting.
I’m no longer living with my aunt! Basically me and my aunt fell out and she realised it would be best if I went back to my mums so she spoke to my mum and I’m now back at hers. My Dad also said he’d speak to my mum about me going back to hers but I don’t think he ever did. When I arrived back at my mums and my aunt left, my Dad immediately showed up and sat down with me and my mum and had a talk with me about how I should behave and what I’m going to do while I’m staying at my mums. I’m still pretty fucked off with my Dad as I begged to live with him and said I was feeling suicidal and his response was I was blackmailing him. I’m not going to forgive him for that and I’m not forgiving my mum either for not letting me live with her either. However since I’ve been back at my mums, things have been going pretty well and we’ve only had one or two arguments. I’m really trying to work on my patience and overall aggression as my ex pointed out I get very angry and scary sometimes so trying to work on that is part of my getting well plan.
My ex and me agreed that we would no longer do this 6 month no talking phase. She basically said she’s scared that I’m going to tell her family and her boyfriend that we were together and she’s a cheat. I’ve told her I would never do that but she still doesn’t trust me so my argument is we need to keep talking so you can learn to trust me again. Nothing romantically is happening between us and we were okay until a week. We were talking fine and then it went quiet for a week so I messaged the other day and asked if she was alright and she said yes she just wants to be left alone. I asked if I had done anything and she just got kinda shitty and annoyed by me asking. She says I haven’t but she just wants me to leave her alone. So again, I feel like shit and she just continues to treat me like crap and I’m just done with it now. So I’m not going to talk to her until she messages me.
I’m working on my health issues! I’ve joined mind (Mental health services) in my area, I’m seeing the diabetic team and they’re getting me a new sugar meter that has an alarm for when my sugar goes to high or low. Still nothing on the brain damage though but I’m starting to just give up on that. I haven’t found or been accepted for any part-time jobs I’m looking for but I’m still going to keep trying. I’m started seeing a counsellor which my Dad said he’d pay fora few sessions but I don’t know if he’ll keep paying :/. I’m obviously going to pay for it when I get a job but if he could help me out, it would mean a lot. I’ve also seen some specialist hair people about losing my hair and that’s made me feel slightly better because of what they said. I’ve gone unconscious three times recently and had paramedics revive me but other than that, I’m working on getting well so I can carry on at university.
I’m sure I’ve missed out some key bits of information but I think I’ve mentioned all the key issues. The situation with my ex is really upsetting me and I’m starting to think I just need to stop messaging her all together and move on with my life. That’s something I’m going to need to think about and talk to my counsellor about. Overall, things are getting better. Now that’s not really saying a lot as I’m in a horrible place right now physically and mentally but it’s so much better than what it was at my aunts. Anyway, I hope you’re all okay and thanks for reading. I’ll try to make another post soon :).