Dear God…

Dear God

Hi everyone 🙂 It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and I’ve recently been talking to God lately, or myself whether you believe in him or not. Basically I’ve just been talking to him out loud with no one around and not in a positive way. So if you believe in God, this won’t be the post for you to read and I really recommend you skip this one if you do believe in God because it will get intense. I don’t know if I really believe in God and I don’t go to church or anything like that. But I’ve struggled in my life a lot and it’s just good to talk out loud thinking someone is listening. Obviously there are many, many people around the world that are in far worse situations than me but my life I think, has still been very difficult. I’ve made this post because I wanted to just vent in a sort of letter to God rather than just talking out loud. So, here is my letter and as I said at the beginning, it will not be a nice letter. So,  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Dear God,

What the fuck is your problem with me?! You have treated me like absolute shit my whole life and for what reason?! You’ve never told me what I’ve done to you or what I’ve done that makes me such a horrible person that I need to be punished all the fucking time. I think I’ve been a pretty decent, good and kind person throughout my life. I’ve never killed anyone or committed a serious crime. I treat people with respect and I even thank you when you do kind things for me. Which, is very fucking rare! And when you do kind things for me, you then later punish me and take the nice things you’ve done away from me. E.g, previous relationships. Let me go through some of the fucking horrible things you’ve done to me throughout my life.

At the age of two or three, you gave me pneumonia. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at that fucking age to deserve that?! Don’t worry dick bag, I’ll let that one pass as I don’t remember it. At the age of five, my Dad left and my Mum and Dad split. Leaving me with no male role model growing up and having to learn everything a man needs to know on my own. I haven’t even learnt how to shave and I just use a fucking electric one because my Dad wasn’t around to teach me that life lesson. Nice that everyone else had their fucking Dad growing up and got to learn everything they needed to know. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at the age of five to deserve that punishment. Let me have a guess. Nothing? Seems like it.

Moments during primary school and a lot during secondary school, 6th form and college, I was bullied. What. The. Fuck?! I must have deserved that for being nice to everyone. You gave me lots of friends and I wasn’t bullied all the time but quite a lot. So thanks for that twat. Lets put some icing on the cake here shall we. At age 14, you gave me type 1 diabetes. What. The. Fuck?! I’m blaming this all on you because no one in my family has that condition. No one! I took care of my body and played sport all the fucking time! Pretty much non stop. I ate healthily and took care of my body. I still haven’t been given a fucking answer about why I got it! I’ve asked so many people and mentioned it so many times and no one can give me an answer. Fucking dick! So that’s all on you twat. Next, the most horrible and painful thing you’ve done to me. You gave me my first relationship and made it end horribly. You even did the unthinkable during that relationship (I’m not going to mention it as I hate thinking about it and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me). She treated me like shit and broke my heart. Leaving me with serve depression for almost 10 fucking years. Cunt! I treated her so well and was almost the perfect boyfriend. What. The. Fuck?! However, she broke up with me twice and the first time I went up the lane where I live and I sat on a gate that leads into another filed. I cried for such a long time and I prayed to you to please give her back to me and let us be in a relationship again. You gave her back to me and then on my 18th birthday, got her to finally dump me for the last time. FUCKING DICK! She then went off and fucked so many different guys and obviously I head about all of them. Not a couple of months after dumping me, but with a day or two. Fucking whore! You’ve left me single for 10 years now and I am unable to get a girlfriend. Not for lack of trying but just because you’re a dick.

Next, making me go bald. What. The. Fuck?! Why?! Why the fuck are you punishing me with that at the age of fucking 27?! Such a cunt! You didn’t even get my Dad or other family members to tell me that other members in my family went bald because if you had, I would have saved up money over the years so I could get a transplant! But no, of course you wouldn’t do that for me. That would be far to nice of you. If I had saved money, I would have more than enough to afford a transplant. But now, I have practically £0 in my bank account. Thanks dick head! Moving on, I’ve been on two dates in my life (pathetic I know) and both went horribly. What. The. Fuck?! Why? People tell me I’m attractive although I don’t believe them so what’s the fucking problem? And now, the final thing that comes to mind is my most recent relationship. When I woke up from my coma, I felt the best I’ve felt in absolute years! I felt amazing! And then, I started hooking up with an amazing girl who eventually told me she loved me and would leave her boyfriend for me. But oh no, that was far to fucking nice of you to do that to me. So you made her pick her boyfriend over me, dump me and now she’s no longer talking to me because she needs to work on her health and wants me to work on mine. What. The. Fuck?! The first thing close to a relationship I’ve had in almost 10 years and you take it away from me. Why? What was the fucking reason for that? Was it because I’m failing at university? Which is another fucking thing I’m blaming you for! First year, I got a first for my work but of course God, first year grades don’t count so no marks from that towards my overall grade. You then had my fucking house mates both first year and second year treat me like shit. What. The. Fuck?! Why? What the fuck did I do to them? I’ll tell what I did! Fuck all you twat!

All I have to say to you is, you deserve to be in fucking hell for the way you’ve treated me throughout my life. The things I’ve listed are only some of the things that instantly come to mind! I’m sure you’ve done some other fucking horrible things throughout my life. I’m sure at the end of uni I’ll graduate with a third rather than a first which is what I should have gotten! Why don’t you just keep adding to the fucking pile of horrible things you can do to me. You are an absolute fucking piece of shit and from now on, I am going to insult you and swear at you every time you do something horrible to me and don’t you worry, I’ll say amen at the end. I’m going to kill myself at 30 unless you fucking start treating me well. I may even move up that date as you’re making me lose hair at a billion miles an hour like the fucking cunt you are. You won’t even give me a fucking explanation of why you’re treating me life this. You won’t even tell me what to do to apologise and make things right. I’ve been nice to you throughout my life and always thanked you for the few things you’ve done for me that have been nice but like I said, you’ve then always punished me and taken them away from me. JUST FUCKING TREAT ME RIGHT! FUCKING TREAT ME NICELY! I’m going to treat you like shit and insult you all the time until you change the way you treat me as you don’t fucking deserve anything nice until you treat me well.

Right now, all I’m asking for and have been asking for is a girlfriend and to win the lottery or get enough money to afford a hair transplant. Just stop being a fucking dick!

Okay, I think I’m done. I’m so sorry to everyone reading this for it being such a long post and for upsetting anyone but I needed to say that and to vent which is what this blog is for. So I’m sorry for upsetting anyone. Feel free to leave a comment or ask anything. I hope you’re all well and having a good day. Thanks for reading :).

Heroes and Villains

Venom poster

What exactly is a hero and what is a villain? Well, the hero is usually the good person, the person we root for. The villain is the person we root against, the bad person. Examples of hero’s would be Superman, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Robin Hood or Indiana Jones.  Examples of villains would be The Joker, Voldemort, Darth Vader, Count Dracula or even the Shark in Jaws.  We root for what ever feels normal, what we think is right and good. So then let me give you a scenario and you tell me who’s the villain in this story.

A man, his wife and child are homeless on the street. They haven’t eaten for days and are starving for food. The father decides to break into a store and grab some food for his family. As he leaves the store though, a policeman is walking by and catches the man stealing the food. He chases after him and catches the man as he arrives back with his family. The man begs the policeman to let him go and to give the food to his family. The policeman says no, arrests the man and takes the food with him. So who’s the bad guy in this story? Is it the man for stealing food from the shop? Or is it the policeman for leaving a starving family with no food? Not so black and white anymore is it? Sure the man broke the law and so he should be arrested for his crime but he didn’t do it to hurt anyone, he did it to save his family. Good and bad are two sides of the same coin. In an article by Evan A. Poole called Heroes vs Villains, he says ” we root for the ‘hero’ to get his revenge, yet we then tell others an eye for an eye leaves us blind. We want the ‘villain’ dead, but we believe murder is wrong” (Poole, Evan A. 2017). He continues and says “The villain is someone who takes the option that benefits him, in spite of the costs. What’s actually wrong with that? The hero does the exact same thing!(Poole, Evan A. 2017)”. What we think is right may be bad in someone else’s eyes. In my life, I tend to think more about other people and taking care of them than myself. I put other people first before myself. I was talking to one of my friends the other day and he said maybe that’s why I fail in relationships I have. Because I put them first and I only look after them and I don’t ever think about myself and what I need or want. I just want to make other people happy and not myself. I’ve just always wanted to treat people in a good and kind way. If you’ve seen the movie Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix, there’s a line in the movie that I really love and want to share with you. It’s from the character Sirius and he says “You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened too”. He continues and says “The world isn’t split into good people and death eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are”. This line means a lot to me because I’ve always viewed the world as black and white. You have good people and bad people but the world isn’t like that. The world is grey. Both light and dark mixed together. I try to act on my light side and I try and be a good person for the most part. I’m not perfect but I try to be. I sometimes wish more people would try and be like that.

I called this post Heroes and Villains because I don’t feel like a hero but I feel like I’m the only good person sometimes. I feel like maybe I should just treat people badly and  be selfish and arrogant because I feel like being nice just makes me miserable as the world keeps punishing me. I’d love to know what your thoughts on heroes and villains are. Do you think the world is black and white or is it more grey? I think I need to get out of this habit of viewing the world as black and white. Feel free to leave your comments or vent about what’s happening in your life. Thanks for reading :).