&$!#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGER!

I lose my temper so easily! I get angry over the smallest things and it really doesn’t fucking help, when my mum continues to fucking aggravate me and just makes me so much more angry! I’m about to vent about why I got so angry and I’m sure you’ll think “Wow. What an absolute douche”. Because it’s over something really stupid but my mum is just so fucking bad at helping with emotions or dealing with someone who’s stressed out.

Basically I was playing NBA2k19 on my Xbox and I just couldn’t beat this team! It was making me so fucking angry because I felt like they kept fouling me and defying the laws of physics. It was basically like I was playing against god. Cheating just really fuck’s me off and I know, it’s so stupid to get so angry over something so small and I wish I could explain why I get so angry but I can’t.
My mum comes into this because while I was playing the game, she kept fucking annoying me and antagonizing me. She kept walking in front of the tv and then pulling the door open and leaving it there so I couldn’t see the screen. She kept trying to talk to me while I’m listening to something which pisses me off! It’s like trying to talk to someone who’s on the phone. You just wouldn’t do it! She then kept telling me to check my sugar level and going “calm down, it’s just a game” and that just really makes me mad. I know it’s a fucking game but it means something to me which is silly I know but saying calm down  isn’t making me calm, it’s just making me more angry. She then started to tell the dog to come out of the room where I was like I was going to harm the dog or smash-up the room or something. I mean, what the fuck? I’m not even near the dog and she was 100% happy in the room. She didn’t even want to leave the room! She then starts going on and on at me and telling me to do jobs and interrupting me and saying calm down, calm down! So I lost it and told her to fuck off to which her response was “Why don’t you go and fuck off”. Yes I shouldn’t have sworn at her but to then respond to someone who’s already really stressed out and angry with “fuck off” just makes the situation so much worse! She just is so useless with stressful situations, she’s not very tactile at all. She and the rest of my family don’t ever understand when they’ve done something wrong either so explaining to them that they’ve done something wrong is just like telling a murderer that murdering is wrong. My sister last summer promised she’d do something for me when I went upstairs and when I came down, she wasn’t doing it. I had ago at her and she still hasn’t spoken to me. My family made me apologise to her and made out she did nothing wrong! I’ve explained over and over again that I got angry because she didn’t do what she said she did and that’s why I got mad but it’s like she’s done nothing wrong and I’m the only one in the wrong! They just make me so angry!

I just don’t want my family in my life anymore. Yes, they’ve been very nice in my life but they’ve also been fucking horrible! I just don’t want them in my life anymore but, I need them in my life. It’s so selfish I know and it’s horrible but I need them or I’ll literally be living on the street and I’ll be really ill. As soon as I graduate and get my own place though, I think I’m just going to cut them out of my life. I’ve just been arguing with my family my whole life and I’m so sick of it. Out of all of us, the only who’s changed is me. They’re all so set in their ways that they’re just never going to change. Explaining to them what they do wrong is just a waste of time  and I’ve given up on them. So like I said, as soon as I don’t need them, I don’t want them in my life. If I’m only living to 30, I need the last 2 years of my life to be without a stressful family and just dealing with all the other stresses.

I’m not feeling so down, angry and upset that I just want to die. All over a fucking game. So stupid :(. Anyway thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a good day 🙂

Update

UPDATE IMAGE

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and a lot has happened since Christmas. I don’t feel really depressed or suicidal right now which is what I’ve been using this blog for, but I felt like I should post an update of what’s been going on and to show I’m still alive.

So firstly, I’ve not killed myself! Which I’m pretty shocked by because I’ve been in such a low place since August and up until now, it had just been getting  worse and worse. So I’m not happy about being alive but I’m happy I’ve managed to not kill myself and have kept fighting.

I’m no longer living with my aunt! Basically me and my aunt  fell out and she realised it would be best if I went back to my mums so she spoke to my mum and I’m now back at hers. My Dad also said he’d speak to my mum about me going back to hers but I don’t think he ever did. When I arrived back at my mums and my aunt left, my Dad immediately showed up  and sat down with me and my mum and had a talk with me about how I should behave and what I’m going to do while I’m staying at my mums. I’m still pretty fucked off with my Dad as I begged to live with him and said I was feeling suicidal and his response was I was blackmailing him. I’m not going to forgive him for that and I’m not forgiving my mum either for not letting me live with her either. However since I’ve been back at my mums, things have been going pretty well and we’ve only had one or two arguments. I’m really trying to work on my patience and overall aggression as  my ex pointed out I get very angry and scary sometimes so trying to work on that is part of my getting well plan.

My ex and me agreed that we would no longer do this 6 month no talking phase. She basically said she’s scared that I’m going to tell her family and her boyfriend that we were together and she’s a cheat. I’ve told her I would never do that but she still doesn’t trust me so my argument is we need to keep talking so you can learn to trust me again. Nothing romantically is happening between us and we were okay until a week. We were talking fine and then it went quiet for a week so I messaged the other day and asked if she was alright and she said yes she just wants to be left alone. I asked if I had done anything and she just got kinda shitty and annoyed by me asking. She says I haven’t but she just wants me to leave her alone. So again, I feel like shit and she just continues to treat me like crap and I’m just done with it now. So I’m not going to talk to her until she messages me.

I’m working on my health issues! I’ve joined mind (Mental health services) in my area, I’m seeing the diabetic team and they’re getting me a new sugar meter that has an alarm for when my sugar goes to high or low. Still nothing on the brain damage though but I’m starting to just give up on that. I haven’t found or been accepted for any part-time jobs I’m looking for but I’m still going to keep trying. I’m started seeing a counsellor which my Dad said he’d pay fora few sessions but I don’t know if he’ll keep paying :/. I’m obviously going to pay for it when I get a job but if he could help me out, it would mean a lot. I’ve also seen some specialist hair people about  losing my hair and that’s made me feel slightly better because of what they said.  I’ve gone unconscious three times recently and had paramedics revive me but other than that, I’m working on getting well so I can carry on at university.

I’m sure I’ve missed out some key bits of information but I think I’ve mentioned all the key issues. The situation with my ex is really upsetting me and I’m starting to think I just need to stop messaging her all together and move on with my life. That’s something I’m going to need to think about and talk to my counsellor about. Overall, things are getting better. Now that’s not really saying a lot as I’m in a horrible place right now physically and mentally but it’s so much better than what it was at my aunts. Anyway, I hope you’re all okay and thanks for reading. I’ll try to make another post soon :).

Clingy and Dizzy

Clingy

Last night I was talking to the girl who recently ended things between us. Actually as I talk about her a lot, I’m going to just give her a fake name to save me always typing the girl who ended things with me. I’ll call her Day, So last night I was talking to Day and she said I was being extra clingy. What the fuck?

I’ve been talking to her a lot recently as I’ve been really struggling and feeling really down because of my Aunt. Anyway I basically upset her with something I said and I started to panic because I hate upsetting her. If you know me I hate upsetting people in general but as I said, I started to panic and I messaged her a few times saying sorry and I didn’t mean what I said. She replied saying “You’re acting super weird…are you okay?” I responded with “Why do you say that? I said sorry.”. She then responded with “Like extra clingy and upset”. 1.) I didn’t realise I didn’t think I was being extra clingy and by saying extra, it makes it seem like I’ve already been clingy for a while now and I don’t think I have at all. It’s really upset and it’s upset me even more because she hasn’t messaged me today at all and she normally messages me everyday. So now I’m really upset that she’s going to end things because things between us started up again.I can’t remember if I told you guys so if I haven’t, now you’re up to date. If she doesn’t end things, then I’m not sure how to act around her anymore because if I’m being clingy, should I back off? Because if I back off she’ll have ago at me for not opening up or talking to her and she’ll end things. If I keep acting normal then she’ll end things if she hasn’t already, for continuing to be clingy. Again, I don’t think I am being clingy but apparently I am and that’s really fucked me off. I really hope she hasn’t ended things because I don’t think I could handle anymore shit happening to me. I’m seriously considering committing suicide as it is already because of what’s gong on with my aunt and life in general. I prayed to god today please can she message me and if she messages me, that means she won’t end things but if she doesn’t, that means she will. She still hasn’t messaged me and we’re not at 17.57 so I’m getting super scared :(. Should I message her or should I just wait? If she messages, we’re just going to get into an argument because I’m super pissed off with her calling me extra clingy. If you all have any advice please let me know.

Dizzy

Another problem I’m having is my head is being really weird at the moment. I’m constantly dizzy and I don’t know whats going on. It’s spinning and I can’t think straight and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. It’s like I have a million multiple choice questions in front of me but before I get to answer they’re gone in seconds. It’s like if you put everything in your room into a pool a giant pool of glue and it starts spinning really fast and you’ve got to try to grab something. It’s horrible. I don’t know what I should do. I might go to my GP if it doesn’t get any better after a week. Is it stress or is something else wrong?

So at the moment, things are pretty shit and the whole point of dropping out of university for a year was to get well but I’m getting worse not better. My family has pretty much disowned me and my aunt just constantly bullies me. The girl I love apparently thinks I’m clingy and is now not talking to me and I’m getting more and more ill. I hate living with my aunt, I miss being at university and I just want to die. I miss my friends and I’m just hating myself right now. I’m happy I have WordPress though because it just makes me feel better venting to people and people listening to me. If anyone has any advice for me it would mean a lot. Hope you’re having a better day than me :).

 

My Birthday

sad-birthday-cake

Hello,

Today, is my birthday. I feel really horrible today due to my Aunt. She’s a bully and is horrible to me everyday. She has ago at me for staying in my room, she had ago at me today for calling up the doctors to ask about having some medication sent to the pharmacy, she had ago at me for turning up the shower heat and had ago at me for not being outside for very long. This is what she’s like everyday and I should probably vent about it on here more as it’s just making me feel suicidal. I would list what she’s done since I moved in but I just wanted to list what she’s done today because, it’s my birthday. I thought on today she would be less of a bitch but no. She’s just carried on bullying me as she always does and normally I’d stand up for myself but I don’t as I’m scared she’ll throw me on the street and I’ll have nowhere to live.

I wanted to make a post on my birthday today as ever since my 18th birthday, my birthday has always sucked. It’s probably because on my 18th my ex broke up with me and ever since then I’ve suffered with depression so I just think of my birthday as a memory of my break up and the start of my depression. This birthday has sucked for a number of reasons and here’s the list:

1.) None of my family except my dad sent me a birthday present or card. My aunt and her son got me one but it’s a mug that says “His Lordship”. Now I’m sure I’m probably over thinking it and I’m sure anyone else would appreciate it but I swear it’s just my aunt taking a shot at me as she’s a bitch. Making out I’m some sort of snob or whatever. It’s just meant to be an insult of some sort.

2.) The other day I sent a message to my dad saying I hate living here and she’s making me feel suicidal. It’s horrible and it’s making me more unwell and ill and please, please can I come live with you. His response, I’m blackmailing him. Now normally when someone tells you they’re feeling suicidal, it’s probably not the best thing to insult them. I wasn’t blackmailing him in any way, I was just making him aware because last time I tried to take my own life, he got annoyed because I didn’t tell him. He says he want’s to talk about it when I go down and see him for Christmas but I have nothing more to say to be honest. I told him how I’m feeling and he insulted me, so I don’t really think there’s anything more to be said.

3.) I’m not sure if I said this in my previous post but I begged my mum if I could come live with her instead of living with her sister and her response was no. I bring a violent and aggressive nature to the household. I didn’t help over the summer and I’m a horrible human being. Firstly, I washed and wiped up on a regular basis and although it might not have been everyone’s plates or items, I consistently cleaned mine. Secondly, I went on many dog walks and walked Willow (Dogs name) on a regular basis. She also said I spent all my time in my room and my aunt has ago at me constantly for doing that at her house too. So to my mum and aunt. I stay in my room as I feel comfortable there. I feel safe and I’m able to have fun, get work done, relax and enjoy myself. When I’m around my mum and sisters they will just argue with me and I’m not sitting around my aunt to hear her have ago at me constantly and be consistently racist.

4.) Me and the girl I broke up with are now getting on really well. It’s amazing and I’m having so much fun talking to her and we’re really good friends now. I was meant to see her today and travel down to university but she cancelled. She cancelled because she’s very unwell and I totally understand that because she is really unwell but it would have been nice to get away from my aunt and have a nice happy day with someone I genuinely love. Instead, I’ve had to listen to my aunt treat me like shit and insult me while I sit at home doing nothing.

So those are the reasons why yet again, my birthday has sucked. All I want to do, is overdose on insulin. That’s all I want to do right now. I’d be able to escape and I wouldn’t be happy because I believe when you die, it’s just like sleeping without any dreams or nightmares. It’s just nothing. Sure I’d love there to be a heaven and if there is and I make it there, I am seriously going to go off at god for giving me such a shit life. I mean, dick haha. Sorry to anyone religious. Apparently last year my flat mates were lovely and made me a cake and decorated the flat but because of what happened in January with my coma, I can’t remember. Obviously I wouldn’t remember the one nice birthday I had. Anyway I’m just really unhappy today and I’d just for once, want to have a happy birthday. Here’s hoping if I live until next year, I’ll have one n 2019. If anyone has any advice on dealing with depression on your birthday or just having a shit birthday in general, please comment and make me feel better haha. I hope you’re all having a good and if it’s your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I’ve become really ill

ill

The other night at 1.00am, I woke up on my bedroom floor covered in blood. I had somehow fallen out of bed and knocked my head against something. I went to the bathroom and my face was covered in blood. I don’t know what happened at all. I went to bed at around 20.00/21.00 and my blood sugar was completely fine. I woke up disoriented and with my head spinning wondering what the hell had happened. I messaged my housemates in our group chat and one of them walked me to A&E where I stayed until 10.00am. I came discharged myself as I had a meeting at university but when I got home, I collapsed on the floor and stated having a panic attack. After being told so many times I need to focus on my health, I finally realised that maybe I need to take study leave and drop out of university until next September. However, I was not expecting the response I received from my family.

After I came home from A&E and collapsing on the floor, I called university housing, my tutor and well-being at the university and explained what had happened. Housing came round and gave me new bedding as I had ruined mine and they took me back to A&E. I saw my tutor later on in the week and I spoke to both my Mum and Dad. I told my Dad I was unwell and would I be able to come and stay with him for a year while I sort out my health. He said no because his housemate wouldn’t allow it due to they live in a two bedroom apartment and there wouldn’t be enough room. I didn’t and I don’t really want to go back to my mum’s as we don’t get along and I don’t get along with my sisters either. After my Dad said no though, I called him up again today explaining how unwell I was and if he could convince mum to let me go to hers as she also sad no.  In my head I’ve now realised how unwell I am and how much help I need and this is what my Dad said. “No”.WHAT?! No?! He went on saying I’ll come home to my mum’s and just sit on the Xbox all day and do nothing. I won’t help out around the house. I’ll get up at 13.00 and not take care of myself. He said he’d rather I stay at university and fail my degree. The man who has told me all along that I need to put my health first is now saying no when I’ve finally realised I need help. I mean, how fucking dare he! The only reason I’m at university is because I put in the effort and hard work to get my health right so I could get a degree. Yes, I agree that I have done what he said I would do in the past but that’s when I was attempting to kill myself everyday. I actually know what I need to do and I told him on the phone I would and he’s said no. He said I’d have to convince my mum on my own that I would do housework, help out, sort my health out, sleep on the floor downstairs as there aren’t enough rooms in the house and fix things with my sister as we’re not talking anymore. So, I called up my mum.

The first thing my mum said was that my Aunt said I could down and stay with her anytime. So i asked is that for the whole year? To which my mum responded I don’t know I’ll have to ask. I then basically begged and said please can I come back as I’m really unwell and I told her what dad and said about her saying I don’t help out or do anything. She said he was lying but I doubt that. She then said yes I could but kept repeating and making sure I wasn’t staying with her for Christmas and that I was gong to my Dads. I’ve become really unwell and I’m now in week 9 of my third year at university and I’ve still done no work as I feel so shit and I’m not functioning at all. Both my parents in the past have told me to focus on my health and now that I’ve acknowledged this and asked for help, they’ve both told me to fuck off basically. My Dad doesn’t think I’ll bother to get well and has put his housemate before his own son and my Mum has doesn’t think I’ll help out and has said there’s not enough room in the house for all three of us (my sisters). So,my older sister is 5 years older than me and still living at home and my younger sister is at university in her final year. Both are very well and healthy and you’re putting them first over me?! Thanks.

I am so fucking mad, hurt and upset right now at both my parents. I’m really unwell and they’ve both told me to fuck off basically and picked other people over me? A* parents right there. The fact my Dad even said you’ll just have to fail your degree then really fucks me off. It’s like, “DAD, if I fail my degree, I won’t be able to get a very good job and I’ll have no money and be in debt. Which means I’ll actually be begging you and mum to let me stay and one of yours while I end up getting a rubbish job and becoming even more depressed for failing my degree and who know’s how long I’ll need to live at home because of this. You’d rather that then letting me come back for a year to sort myself out so I can eventually graduate with an okay grade and get my own job and my own place to live? Good job at thinking ahead. So it looks like I’m stuck at university for my last year. I’m literally going to fail my degree and when that happens, I’m going to kill myself. I have no money either at the moment so even if god actually does let me pass, I’ll have nowhere to live as I don’t have any money to get a flat. I don’t have any family members that will let me live with them so I’m fucked all around.

Right now, my thoughts are to go and buy a hotel room for the a night and overdose on insulin. I don’t want to fail my degree but I’m 9 weeks behind on work and I have my dissertation to complete as well that I’m also 9 weeks behind on and I’ve written nothing for it. I’m on 0 words out of 10,000. I’ve done no reading either. I’ve literally failed my degree already unless I can take a year out. I want to die. I don’t have any family members who want to help me and I don’t have any friends at university as they’ve all graduated last year. I’ve got no one. I’m alone and scared and I don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would mean the world to me. Thanks for reading.

 

What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).

A nice ending ☺️

Goodbye Hug

It’s not very often you ever have a good breakup with someone. People always end up getting hurt, there are arguments, you both end up hurting each other and it’s just one of the toughest things you have to deal with in your life. On the Monday just gone though, the girl I’ve been talking about over the last few months who broke things off between us, came round and we actually finally ended things nicely.

In my very first relationship, when we broke up it ended really badly. It didn’t end nicely at all. We argued, she hurt me by getting with several other people when we broke up, she ended it on my 18th birthday and she was just so horrible. She never gave me answers to questions I had and she went around the whole school telling everyone how horrible I was. Not as in mean but as in horrible at relationship stuff and that was just horrible for me. The girl who recently ended things with me, I started hating her as much as my ex from before. I just felt like she got over me instantly and I don’t get how you get over someone that quickly if you love them. On the 22nd of this month though, the Monday just gone, she came round and we sat down and talked about everything. Since she ended things, all we had been doing was arguing nonstop. I’ve been wanting to talk about everything because I didn’t get to do this with my ex and if we were going to stay friends, I felt like we needed to do this. She said what she wanted to say, I vented about everything and said how I was hurt by what she had done. The lie she told **********, making promises and breaking them all and just how shitty it was of her to do what she’s done. I told her that she just reminded me of my ex and that I was finding just being friends really hard but she wasn’t anything like my ex. She didn’t interrupt me or argue with me, she didn’t have a go at me or shout at me. She didn’t even get up and walk out. She just, listened. She sat there and listened to everything I had said too. I mean, it meant and still means the world to me that she just heard me out and didn’t argue with me or call me pathetic. She even did what my ex would have never of done and said sorry and not just once but several times.

We continued to talk about everything that had happened and she told me that she does still have feelings for me and I really needed to hear that. Not so I can try to get her back but so I know that she didn’t just get over me instantly. She just explained that she does still like me but she’s in a relationship and has been for a while and she wants to try to make it work. She feels so bad for not being with me and promising to breakup with him but she wants to give it one last shot. The whole situation between us has just been really bad timing. I even said I was going to ask her out as soon as she was single and she said “I hope you do”. She cried and got upset because she had hurt me so much and it was just a very emotional day. After we finished talking she stayed over and we hung out for a couple of hours and it was really nice. We just laid down together and hugged until she had to leave.

It was the best ending I could have possible asked for and we haven’t had one argument since. As much as I feel better about the whole situation, I’m still really upset. I’m so happy that it happened the way it did but I love her so much and her being as amazing as she was on Monday just makes me miss her even more. It just sucks that she’s in a relationship because if she wasn’t, we’d be together. I totally get why she ended it with me because she’s been in that relationship for a long time and it makes sense why she doesn’t just want to throw it away. It’s been a big part of her life and I’ve never been in a relationship for that long so I’m sure it must be really tough to let it go. I just wish she could have because I know we could be amazing together. We both still have huge feelings for each other and I think that’s what’s going to make this tough. It means the world though that she came round and we sorted it all out. I’m obviously still really upset and I still really want to be with her but it ended on a nice note and I couldn’t ask for anything more. She’s nothing like my ex at all and her doing what she did Monday meant the world to me and I can’t thank her enough for it. I care about her so much, it just makes me feel really bad for how I’ve been talking about her on here and how I’ve been so angry at her and hating her. She even admitted that she hadn’t handled it well because she was so upset for having ended it. It was the best ending to what we had and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I don’t know if we will ever be together and I don’t know if I should hold onto the idea that we will be but it means a lot to me that we ended things positively.

Have any of you had a nice breakup? If you haven’t, how would you of liked your relationship to have ended? Feel free to share your stories or thoughts on my situation in the comments below. Thanks for reading :).