Dear God…

Dear God

Hi everyone šŸ™‚ It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and I’ve recently been talking to God lately, or myself whether you believe in him or not. Basically I’ve just been talking to him out loud with no one around and not in a positive way. So if you believe in God, this won’t be the post for you to read and I really recommend you skip this one if you do believe in God because it will get intense. I don’t know if I really believe in God and I don’t go to church or anything like that. But I’ve struggled in my life a lot and it’s just good to talk out loud thinking someone is listening. Obviously there are many, many people around the world that are in far worse situations than me but my life I think, has still been very difficult. I’ve made this post because I wanted to just vent in a sort of letter to God rather than just talking out loud. So, here is my letter and as I said at the beginning, it will not be a nice letter. So,Ā  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Dear God,

What the fuck is your problem with me?! You have treated me like absolute shit my whole life and for what reason?! You’ve never told me what I’ve done to you or what I’ve done that makes me such a horrible person that I need to be punished all the fucking time. I think I’ve been a pretty decent, good and kind person throughout my life. I’ve never killed anyone or committed a serious crime. I treat people with respect and I even thank you when you do kind things for me. Which, is very fucking rare! And when you do kind things for me, you then later punish me and take the nice things you’ve done away from me. E.g, previous relationships. Let me go through some of the fucking horrible things you’ve done to me throughout my life.

At the age of two or three, you gave me pneumonia. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at that fucking age to deserve that?! Don’t worry dick bag, I’ll let that one pass as I don’t remember it. At the age of five, my Dad left and my Mum and Dad split. Leaving me with no male role model growing up and having to learn everything a man needs to know on my own. I haven’t even learnt how to shave and I just use a fucking electric one because my Dad wasn’t around to teach me that life lesson. Nice that everyone else had their fucking Dad growing up and got to learn everything they needed to know. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at the age of five to deserve that punishment. Let me have a guess. Nothing? Seems like it.

Moments during primary school and a lot during secondary school, 6th form and college, I was bullied. What. The. Fuck?! I must have deserved that for being nice to everyone. You gave me lots of friends and I wasn’t bullied all the time but quite a lot. So thanks for that twat. Lets put some icing on the cake here shall we. At age 14, you gave me type 1 diabetes. What. The. Fuck?! I’m blaming this all on you because no one in my family has that condition. No one! I took care of my body and played sport all the fucking time! Pretty much non stop. I ate healthily and took care of my body. I still haven’t been given a fucking answer about why I got it! I’ve asked so many people and mentioned it so many times and no one can give me an answer. Fucking dick! So that’s all on you twat. Next, the most horrible and painful thing you’ve done to me. You gave me my first relationship and made it end horribly. You even did the unthinkable during that relationship (I’m not going to mention it as I hate thinking about it and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me). She treated me like shit and broke my heart. Leaving me with serve depression for almost 10 fucking years. Cunt! I treated her so well and was almost the perfect boyfriend. What. The. Fuck?! However, she broke up with me twice and the first time I went up the lane where I live and I sat on a gate that leads into another filed. I cried for such a long time and I prayed to you to please give her back to me and let us be in a relationship again. You gave her back to me and then on my 18th birthday, got her to finally dump me for the last time. FUCKING DICK! She then went off and fucked so many different guys and obviously I head about all of them. Not a couple of months after dumping me, but with a day or two. Fucking whore! You’ve left me single for 10 years now and I am unable to get a girlfriend. Not for lack of trying but just because you’re a dick.

Next, making me go bald. What. The. Fuck?! Why?! Why the fuck are you punishing me with that at the age of fucking 27?! Such a cunt! You didn’t even get my Dad or other family members to tell me that other members in my family went bald because if you had, I would have saved up money over the years so I could get a transplant! But no, of course you wouldn’t do that for me. That would be far to nice of you. If I had saved money, I would have more than enough to afford a transplant. But now, I have practically Ā£0 in my bank account. Thanks dick head! Moving on, I’ve been on two dates in my life (pathetic I know) and both went horribly. What. The. Fuck?! Why? People tell me I’m attractive although I don’t believe them so what’s the fucking problem? And now, the final thing that comes to mind is my most recent relationship. When I woke up from my coma, I felt the best I’ve felt in absolute years! I felt amazing! And then, I started hooking up with an amazing girl who eventually told me she loved me and would leave her boyfriend for me. But oh no, that was far to fucking nice of you to do that to me. So you made her pick her boyfriend over me, dump me and now she’s no longer talking to me because she needs to work on her health and wants me to work on mine. What. The. Fuck?! The first thing close to a relationship I’ve had in almost 10 years and you take it away from me. Why? What was the fucking reason for that? Was it because I’m failing at university? Which is another fucking thing I’m blaming you for! First year, I got a first for my work but of course God, first year grades don’t count so no marks from that towards my overall grade. You then had my fucking house mates both first year and second year treat me like shit. What. The. Fuck?! Why? What the fuck did I do to them? I’ll tell what I did! Fuck all you twat!

All I have to say to you is, you deserve to be in fucking hell for the way you’ve treated me throughout my life. The things I’ve listed are only some of the things that instantly come to mind! I’m sure you’ve done some other fucking horrible things throughout my life. I’m sure at the end of uni I’ll graduate with a third rather than a first which is what I should have gotten! Why don’t you just keep adding to the fucking pile of horrible things you can do to me. You are an absolute fucking piece of shit and from now on, I am going to insult you and swear at you every time you do something horrible to me and don’t you worry, I’ll say amen at the end. I’m going to kill myself at 30 unless you fucking start treating me well. I may even move up that date as you’re making me lose hair at a billion miles an hour like the fucking cunt you are. You won’t even give me a fucking explanation of why you’re treating me life this. You won’t even tell me what to do to apologise and make things right. I’ve been nice to you throughout my life and always thanked you for the few things you’ve done for me that have been nice but like I said, you’ve then always punished me and taken them away from me. JUST FUCKING TREAT ME RIGHT! FUCKING TREAT ME NICELY! I’m going to treat you like shit and insult you all the time until you change the way you treat me as you don’t fucking deserve anything nice until you treat me well.

Right now, all I’m asking for and have been asking for is a girlfriend and to win the lottery or get enough money to afford a hair transplant. Just stop being a fucking dick!

Okay, I think I’m done. I’m so sorry to everyone reading this for it being such a long post and for upsetting anyone but I needed to say that and to vent which is what this blog is for. So I’m sorry for upsetting anyone. Feel free to leave a comment or ask anything. I hope you’re all well and having a good day. Thanks for reading :).

Update

UPDATE IMAGE

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and a lot has happened since Christmas. I don’t feel really depressed or suicidal right now which is what I’ve been using this blog for, but I felt like I should post an update of what’s been going on and to show I’m still alive.

So firstly, I’ve not killed myself! Which I’m pretty shocked by because I’ve been in such a low place since August and up until now, it had just been gettingĀ  worse and worse. So I’m not happy about being alive but I’m happy I’ve managed to not kill myself and have kept fighting.

I’m no longer living with my aunt! Basically me and my auntĀ  fell out and she realised it would be best if I went back to my mums so she spoke to my mum and I’m now back at hers. My Dad also said he’d speak to my mum about me going back to hers but I don’t think he ever did. When I arrived back at my mums and my aunt left, my Dad immediately showed upĀ  and sat down with me and my mum and had a talk with me about how I should behave and what I’m going to do while I’m staying at my mums. I’m still pretty fucked off with my Dad as I begged to live with him and said I was feeling suicidal and his response was I was blackmailing him. I’m not going to forgive him for that and I’m not forgiving my mum either for not letting me live with her either. However since I’ve been back at my mums, things have been going pretty well and we’ve only had one or two arguments. I’m really trying to work on my patience and overall aggression asĀ  my ex pointed out I get very angry and scary sometimes so trying to work on that is part of my getting well plan.

My ex and me agreed that we would no longer do this 6 month no talking phase. She basically said she’s scared that I’m going to tell her family and her boyfriend that we were together and she’s a cheat. I’ve told her I would never do that but she still doesn’t trust me so my argument is we need to keep talking so you can learn to trust me again. Nothing romantically is happening between us and we were okay until a week. We were talking fine and then it went quiet for a week so I messaged the other day and asked if she was alright and she said yes she just wants to be left alone. I asked if I had done anything and she just got kinda shitty and annoyed by me asking. She says I haven’t but she just wants me to leave her alone. So again, I feel like shit and she just continues to treat me like crap and I’m just done with it now. So I’m not going to talk to her until she messages me.

I’m working on my health issues! I’ve joined mind (Mental health services) in my area, I’m seeing the diabetic team and they’re getting me a new sugar meter that has an alarm for when my sugar goes to high or low. Still nothing on the brain damage though but I’m starting to just give up on that. I haven’t found or been accepted for any part-time jobs I’m looking for but I’m still going to keep trying. I’m started seeing a counsellor which my Dad said he’d pay fora few sessions but I don’t know if he’ll keep paying :/. I’m obviously going to pay for it when I get a job but if he could help me out, it would mean a lot. I’ve also seen some specialist hair people aboutĀ  losing my hair and that’s made me feel slightly better because of what they said.Ā  I’ve gone unconscious three times recently and had paramedics revive me but other than that, I’m working on getting well so I can carry on at university.

I’m sure I’ve missed out some key bits of information but I think I’ve mentioned all the key issues. The situation with my ex is really upsetting me and I’m starting to think I just need to stop messaging her all together and move on with my life. That’s something I’m going to need to think about and talk to my counsellor about. Overall, things are getting better. Now that’s not really saying a lot as I’m in a horrible place right now physically and mentally but it’s so much better than what it was at my aunts. Anyway, I hope you’re all okay and thanks for reading. I’ll try to make another post soon :).

What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand somethingĀ  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, theĀ employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. NoĀ I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).

What am I doing so wrong?!

What am i doing wrong

You ever have those moments in your life where you do or you think you do everything right but you still end up wrong? Someone asks you what 2+2 is and you say 4, but for some weird reason the answers 5? I mean, WTF?! Towards the end of university this year, I had an assignment to do and my lecturer sat down with me and told me what to do, what to add and takeaway. So I did everything he said and I got a 3rd. A third is equivalent to a D grade I think. Again, WTF?! How can I add everything you tell me to add and takeaway what you don’t like and still get a 3rd?! I’m writing this post because a few things like that have happened recently and have happened in the past so I thought I’d vent about them. When I say this I am dead serious, if anyone reading this has any answers to these then please tell me because I’ve obviously missed out on some key life manuals here.

This breakup thing that happened recently that I’ve been venting about to you lot, (Yes, I should shut up now) is bothering me again. A week ago, we talked and I said there are some things you said that really upset me and I’m really struggling with being friends at the moment, so I need some time away. I said this because I want to stay friends with them and I need to stop having ago at them for what happened. So I thought taking some time away was a good idea. She agreed as well, so I’ve had a week away from her with no interaction what so ever. I even made a countdown timer for 2 weeks. It’s been a week and I miss her a lot so I thought I’d message saying I still need a week away but we can talk today for a bit if you want too. She ignored me. So I messaged again “?” and her response was “I can’t talk to you yet”. Again, WTF! You ended it with me! You’re the one that wanted to stay friends originally after this ended. You’re the one that’s continuously hurt me! What am I doing wrong here? So being the push over I am I messaged back saying “I never meant to hurt you, I’ll go away for another week, I’ll always be here if you need me and I hope you’re okay”. Please someone tell me what I’m doing wrong here? Throughout this entire thing I’ve done what she’s wanted and the one time I say I need time away from her I’m wrong apparently.

I also joined an online dating website, it rhymes with Armoury (think I can say that). Yes all my friends have made fun of me so don’t worry you’re not the only ones. I filled out all the bio info, I followed all the guides on how to write a message to someone and what to write on your own page. Nothing. Hasn’t worked at all. I messaged one girl I matched with and asked her questions about things she wrote on her page. She decided to change her bio and answer all my questions there but completely ignored talking to me. I mean, that is a real kick in the head. What am I doing wrong? Am I really just that ugly? Because people tell me I’m not but I obviously must be. I’ve done everything dating websites and people have suggested to me about dating online and still, nothing has worked. People don’t even say “hi” back. They just ignore me.

Trying to be healthy is wrong because I just end up diabetic somehow, trying to be nice in relationships is wrong because they just end up leaving me, doing university work the correct way is wrong because I just end up with a D. What am I doing so wrong? Has life just got it out for me or something? Was I just a mistake and now the world is doing everything it can to make me miserable and make me kill myself? I wish I could show you a picture of myself and then you could tel me if I’m ugly or not but then that would ruin the whole staying anonymous part. If someone has any advice for me that would be great because I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong. No one is telling me. I need the life manual because I feel like I’m the only person that didn’t get one. I feel like such a shit person :(. As always feel free to vent about what’s going on in your lives or please, out of all the posts I’ve made this would be the one where I need advice so if you have any then please let me know. I hope your weeks are starting better than mine. Thanks again x

Breakups…

Broken heart

Breakups are one of the toughest things people can go through. You go through so many emotions and they can all pile on at once. Anger, hatred, sadness, depression, shock, denial and those are just some of the few. People almost always come to the stage of acceptance though. Peace. Being able to move on and start again. So I’m sure many of you have gone through a breakup and if you haven’t then I hope you never have too. It can be one of the most painful times in your life. My first and only real official breakup, happened to me when I was 17. It nearly killed me, literally. In my first post I made, I mentioned I had recently gone through a sort of breakup with someone and I was really struggling at the moment. I said that one of the side effects of this was that I stopped eating and this was and is a really big problem for me. So I thought in this post, I’d mention some big events in my life that led me to where I am today. Like I said in my previous post, if you feel like commenting, giving advice or venting about a situation you’re going through then please do.

When I was 14, I wasn’t feeling very unwell so I went to the doctors for a blood test. I expected everything to be normal but I received a call telling me to come back in and see my GP. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I was speechless. For my whole life leading up to that point I had taken care of myself. I played cricket, basketball, rugby, badminton. I tried to be as active as possible and my mum always fed me the right foods. No one in my family has ever had diabetes either. I didn’t understand. I went home and cried and cried for days. It’s made me hate myself my whole life. The worst thing is that no one has ever given me an answer to why I got it. Out of everyone in the world, why did I have to get it? I just don’t understand. So not being able to eat is pretty dangerous for me and could cause serious problems. Some of which I’m going through now because of the recent breakup. As soon as I was diagnosed, I decided to put on a persona. A very arrogant and over-confident one and it worked. I didn’t tell anyone I had diabetes and to this day I hate talking about it. I hate it. It makes me feel weak. So putting on that persona helped me a lot. I felt like I could take on the world. I ended up missing a lot of school at that point by trying to come to grips with what I got diagnosed with and going to hospitals. However, When I was 16 I met someone and I fell in love with them. I’d always go to hers after school, we’d see each other all the time at school, I was the happiest I’d ever been. We become an official couple towards the end of August and stayed together until January, the day I got my A level results back. I failed and got dumped. This was the first time I self harmed I think. I couldn’t handle all that happening to me at once. I felt like the biggest failure in the world. Within a week or two, we ended up back together.

There was so much drama in that relationship I want to talk about that I’m going to have to make a part 2 for this post. Thank you for reading and feel free to post your thoughts and comments. Next post will be up shortly :)…