Happy Christmas everyone! 🙂 I hope you’re having lovely day and celebrating the day with loved ones. I felt like making a post as it’s Christmas and I wanted to wish everyone Happy Christmas. I hate to talk about my mental health on this day but I felt like it was needed as I’m feeling very low and like I’ve done before, I’ve self harmed instead of talking on here. So this post might be depressing and I’d actually prefer you don’t read on as I don’t want to ruin your holidays. So if you’re leaving, happy holidays and I hope you’re having a great day :).
Okay, so if you’ve stuck around I’ll get into the depressing stuff. So I don’t know if I mentioned this before but my younger sister and I had a falling out over the summer. Basically we got into an argument on her birthday over something silly. I was playing a game and I needed to go upstairs to grab something. So I asked her if she wouldn’t mind taking over as I had a chance to win VC (Virtual currency). When I cam back downstairs, she had dumped the controller down on the chair and wasn’t paying attention. I got upset and I had a go at her. She chucked my present to her in the trash and she hasn’t spoken to me since then. Now I know I shouldn’t have had a go at her over something so small, so yes it was my fault. I wasn’t even upset about her putting the controller down, it was the fact that she promised to do something and then didn’t do that. I get very upset when people make promises to me and then break them. It’s happened a lot to me and I just don’t understand why people make promises if they can’t keep them. If someone asked me to promise them I’d come visit, I wouldn’t. I’d say I’d try my best but I wouldn’t promise because things come up and interfere. Don’t say you’ll do something if you won’t because it will just upset the person. I was going to apologise but she threw my present in the trash so I still haven’t and I’m not going. I mentioned this because she still hasn’t spoken to me or tried to fix things between us. Christmas should be spent with your family and loved ones. She didn’t get me a present either and has just ignored me so that has really upset me. My mum has also banned me from ever coming to her house. It’s the reason I’m living with my aunt and I absolutely hate her for it. I begged her to let me come live with her and I even told her I was feeling suicidal. She said over the summer I bought an aggressive and horrible attitude to the house and I made her and my sisters feel uncomfortable and she never wants me in her house again. Growing up was very aggressive but this summer I wasn’t even close to that. I stayed in my room, washed up, walked the dog and tried to help out whenever I could. She is a disgusting human being. I use to be aggressive yes but I have changed completely and I am no longer like that. She hasn’t changed one bit and she’s always treated me like shit. It probably explains why my aunt bullies me so much as well. Anyway, both my mother and sister treating me like this has ruined Christmas for me.
One slight positive is that my Dad has allowed me to stay with him and his flatmate this Christmas. I’m very happy about this as I literally have been so close to killing myself and having time away from my aunt has been much-needed. It’s only for just under a week but it’s something at least. About a week or two ago I begged my Dad to let me come live with him and that I was feeling suicidal. His response? I’m blackmailing him. Not an A* their Dad for when your son is telling you he’s thinking about taking is own life. Anyway I bring this up because I’ve had a lot of injuries recently and I was talking to my Dad about them about an hour ago. I said I didn’t want to go into the conversation as it would ruin the Christmas spirit but we carried on talking and then he said we should talk about this another time as it will turn into a huge, heated argument. He then said not heated but intense. Ummmmmm? I said lets end the conversation so don’t carry it on and then tell me to end the conversation and why when we have it, does it have to be heated and intense? Basically when we were talking about it just now he said it’s all my fault for not ;leaving university when he told me too and that I shouldn’t go back. So that’s also ruined the day for me. I can’t wait for that conversation to happy before I go back to verbal abuse from my aunt. My family truly is the best.
To add to the list, I’m losing hair and I am going bald. I’ll make a post on this and go into more depth but looking at my hair, it just seems like I’m losing more and more pretty fast. It’s making me really depressed and I’d literally rather die than have no hair. I have a bald path basically at my scalp and at the front my hair is receding back quicker and quicker.It is making me so upset and I am hating myself more and more everyday. My aunt also pointed it out and was basically criticising me on it making me feel even more shit about it. Pointing out how noticeable it was when standing behind me. She knows I’m having mental health issues and she’s just making me worse by being a bitch with comments like that. I’m trying to use a Regaine I think it is but I haven’t been using it for long and you apparently only start noticing after 6 months I think so I’m hoping that will help me grow more hair at the back. I’m also hoping my current GP will refer me to see someone about gong bald and am also hoping that I can work enough this year and save up for a hair transplant maybe? Very unlikely as I need the money to save up for my own flat when I graduate but I suppose I can dream I’ll have enough money. Maybe me being so stressed out is causing my hair to fall out quicker but I have no idea if that’s true or not.
I am currently trying to stay positive and put myself in a good mood. I’m watching the NBA right now as I received a free league pass trial for a week as it’s Christmas so that was really nice. I’ve had some coke and my Dad got me my favourite drink Purdey’s and Paprika crisps which my Dad got me so that was nice of him. But I am still feeling very depressed, low, stressed and shaken up by what’s going on in my life and I’ve only mentioned the things on my mind right now! Anyway this post has been very long so I wish you all Happy Christmas and I hope you’re having a good day and feeling well. Goodnight 🙂
Last night I was talking to the girl who recently ended things between us. Actually as I talk about her a lot, I’m going to just give her a fake name to save me always typing the girl who ended things with me. I’ll call her Day, So last night I was talking to Day and she said I was being extra clingy. What the fuck?
I’ve been talking to her a lot recently as I’ve been really struggling and feeling really down because of my Aunt. Anyway I basically upset her with something I said and I started to panic because I hate upsetting her. If you know me I hate upsetting people in general but as I said, I started to panic and I messaged her a few times saying sorry and I didn’t mean what I said. She replied saying “You’re acting super weird…are you okay?” I responded with “Why do you say that? I said sorry.”. She then responded with “Like extra clingy and upset”. 1.) I didn’t realise I didn’t think I was being extra clingy and by saying extra, it makes it seem like I’ve already been clingy for a while now and I don’t think I have at all. It’s really upset and it’s upset me even more because she hasn’t messaged me today at all and she normally messages me everyday. So now I’m really upset that she’s going to end things because things between us started up again.I can’t remember if I told you guys so if I haven’t, now you’re up to date. If she doesn’t end things, then I’m not sure how to act around her anymore because if I’m being clingy, should I back off? Because if I back off she’ll have ago at me for not opening up or talking to her and she’ll end things. If I keep acting normal then she’ll end things if she hasn’t already, for continuing to be clingy. Again, I don’t think I am being clingy but apparently I am and that’s really fucked me off. I really hope she hasn’t ended things because I don’t think I could handle anymore shit happening to me. I’m seriously considering committing suicide as it is already because of what’s gong on with my aunt and life in general. I prayed to god today please can she message me and if she messages me, that means she won’t end things but if she doesn’t, that means she will. She still hasn’t messaged me and we’re not at 17.57 so I’m getting super scared :(. Should I message her or should I just wait? If she messages, we’re just going to get into an argument because I’m super pissed off with her calling me extra clingy. If you all have any advice please let me know.
Another problem I’m having is my head is being really weird at the moment. I’m constantly dizzy and I don’t know whats going on. It’s spinning and I can’t think straight and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. It’s like I have a million multiple choice questions in front of me but before I get to answer they’re gone in seconds. It’s like if you put everything in your room into a pool a giant pool of glue and it starts spinning really fast and you’ve got to try to grab something. It’s horrible. I don’t know what I should do. I might go to my GP if it doesn’t get any better after a week. Is it stress or is something else wrong?
So at the moment, things are pretty shit and the whole point of dropping out of university for a year was to get well but I’m getting worse not better. My family has pretty much disowned me and my aunt just constantly bullies me. The girl I love apparently thinks I’m clingy and is now not talking to me and I’m getting more and more ill. I hate living with my aunt, I miss being at university and I just want to die. I miss my friends and I’m just hating myself right now. I’m happy I have WordPress though because it just makes me feel better venting to people and people listening to me. If anyone has any advice for me it would mean a lot. Hope you’re having a better day than me :).
What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.
Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?
Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.
Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).
So yesterday I was thinking about making a post to do with the mind and thoughts you have but I just had an argument with my unofficial ex and I’m fucking livid! I’m sure everyone is sick of me venting about this but I made this blog so I could blow off steam and not do anything stupid to myself. If you have an ex or you’re just mad and you want to feel mad along with me then this is the post for you.
Me and my ex planned to meet tomorrow morning last week to vent and clear the air. I wanted to do this just under a month ago but nope, she was busy or gave some other shit reason why she couldn’t do it and now here we are. I messaged today to see if she was still coming by tomorrow. She said yes but she had the flu and that right there was the start of all this. I thought she was just going to cancel so I said “If you’re not well you don’t have too”. She said she wasn’t cancelling but then good old me said “I thought you were gonna cancel”. This started between 1-2 hours of arguing between us. That one comment that I couldn’t keep in my head. Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but just didn’t because you knew it would cause an argument? Could have been to anyone. Well she’s cancelled so many times that I just had to say something and the only reason I said it was because I didn’t think she’d get upset by it! I thought I can put how I feel in a delicate way without upsetting her. How was that even close to delicate? Moron. She then continued to have a go at me for not talking to her this weekend and then moments later she says she’s always busy! If you’re always busy, how the fuck am I meant to talk to you?! Agh! We then argued about how long she was going to stay until and because we’d been arguing for a while, I thought I’d ask if she was still coming by. She then called me a drama queen because I keep getting mad at her. So I put “No…I’m fucking mad that you ended things between us and you continue to treat me like shit!”. This led to us pausing the argument until now.
She messages me back a few hours later saying she’s a “little mad”. She says it’s because of me saying I’m mad at her and that she’s done nothing to me since she’s been back at university. I said let’s talk about it tomorrow when we meet up and but she said she wanted to talk about it now. She said “I feel hurt and mad” so I put “Well that’s how I’ve been feeling since you ended it”. Her response, “Stop fucking guilt tripping me for ending things man. That’s not fair.That was over like two months ago.”. This is where I decided to come on here and vent instead of doing something stupid. I just lost my cool. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to get over this but it meant something to me and she’s fucking telling me I should be over it by now?! I’m finding being her friend really tough and she is making no effort at all in this and yet she’s the one that wanted to stay friends! I think it upset me so much because I’ve been holding onto the idea that we will end up together again and her saying that just proved to me it’s never going to happen. I’ve finally come to the realisation in my head that we’re officially finished. I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to her tomorrow for the last week and every time I do, I call her by my ex’s name. I hate her so much now, my ex’s name just comes up in my head when I think of what I’m going to say to her. That is so sad…
Thanks for reading if you did 🙂 . Apologies for the grammar and the terrible writing. I’m going to blame it on my anger and my sleepiness. I’m seeing her in less than 8 hours so if anyone has any advice that would be awesome or if you’ve had a moment where you’ve wanted to say something but didn’t, feel free to type it out here. 🙂
So I’ve just got back from my date I had tonight and just like I predicted, it didn’t go very well.
I got ready a few hours before the date and I think I looked pretty good. Not the best I’ve ever looked but I had no complaints. I wore jeans, a shirt, a jumper and my suit shoes 👞. I left at 18.00 and arrived at 19.20 and I met her by the door of the bar. From the very beginning of the date it felt awkward. We had drinks and spoke for a couple of hours but it just all felt forced. The conversation never started flowing or going smoothly. We’d bring up a conversation topic and it would last about 15-30 seconds and then there would just be awkward silences. It just didn’t feel natural. She was very nice and I really appreciate her staying for two hours. That made me feel a lot better. It wasn’t going well and we could both tell but she stayed and I appreciated that a lot. The first date I ever had that I told you about was just as bad but she just left and was rude. The girl I saw tonight was at least nice and didn’t just get up and leave even when it was tough. It was getting noisy in the bar towards the end so I suggested we leave and I was going to say we should go for a walk but I think she thought I meant let’s just end the night. So I’m not even upset or mad at it for ending when it did. When we spoke over messenger it went smoothly and it was easy to talk but it was the opposite in person. On the dating website I used, there was an article called “No more awkward silences”. It said “What everyone is looking for on a date is a sense of connection and chemistry. This is usually evident when the conversation is smooth and flowing. Communication is the route to intimacy so it’s worth knowing a few ways to get things back on track if the conversation dries up”. Unfortunately, I didn’t know and still don’t know how to get the conversation back on track if it dries up.
So overall, it wasn’t a great night. Saying that though, I don’t feel suicidal or feel like hurting myself. It really means a lot to me that she stayed for the time she did. Her doing that I think has actually left me feeling okay about what happened and not wanting to hurt myself. Maybe we just weren’t right for each other. I’m not in the best place at the moment anyway so that could have had an effect on it. I wasn’t confident and I just presumed it would go badly so that could have also played a part. I think the main problem was that it just felt forced. If I wasn’t feeling so down either or just gotten out of this breakup then maybe it would have gone better. So yeah, I’m not feeling suicidal and I don’t feel like self harming either. I just feel lonely and kind of empty. I want a girlfriend more than anything in the world but it just feels like it’s never going to happen :(. Positives though, I went on a date and I got asked on the date so that’s something. I feel like online dating is much tougher than meeting someone in real life and getting to know them that way. Online dating is like applying for a job where you have to pass certain tests. Meting someone normally and getting to know them over time feels much more comfortable that meeting someone online. Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know how my date went and to say that the date hasn’t made me want to hurt myself. Hope you’re having a better day than me 🙂
I’m now back at University and will be going to my classes next week. I thought I’d be happy to be back as I don’t really get along with my family but I’m not. I feel out-of-place, isolated. I feel lonely, like I’m not meant to be here. I’m living in halls again and my housemates don’ seem to like me. I’m 26 now and I already started university late at age 23 so I feel even more out-of-place than I did then. They’re all 18 so I don’t think they’d want to hang out with someone 8 years older than them anyway. The university has changed as well and they have new buildings and facilities and all my friends have graduated. I only really know a few people and the only one I talk to is the girl who ended are non-official relationship and it’s just really difficult being around her. I feel lost.
I met my housemates on Sunday and they just didn’t seem interested in talking to me. I already started talking to three of them on a group chat before I got here but when I arrived they didn’t seem to care. I arrived the same time as another guy and he just seems to hate me for some reason or another. Five of us went to an SU party on Sunday and two of them didn’t get in as they didn’t buy tickets. One of them was the guy who seems to hate me. He got in eventually and I saw him and grabbed him and said “Hey, you okay?” He just said “Yeah” and walked off. He doesn’t even talk to me in the flat or acknowledges me. I don’t even know the guy. Why are you being a dick? I hate when people are like that. He gets along with everyone else but hates me for some reason. Two girls I met on the group chat seem okay. One picked my shirt for the SU party so that was cool but they both don’t really talk to me either. We were at the party together and I lost them so I messaged where are you and they ignored it. I found them in the end but I just don’t get why they ignored it? I haven’t done anything to them, I just don’t get it. Walking back from the party though I spoke to one of them and she was really nice. We talked about being friends with people you break up with and that was really helpful as I’m currently trying to do that and she says it’s tough too. She was like “You’ve seen them naked so now it’s like awkward” which I thought was funny haha. One guy seems really nice and we both like Star Wars so that’s cool but again, I haven’t really spoken to him. I just met the other girl in the chat today and the last person is a girl in her 2nd year who again, doesn’t really seem to like me. So it hasn’t been a great start. I also saw the girl who ended things between us yesterday and that was difficult. We started hugging and lying next to each other and I thought something might have happened but she left because she was going to see a friend. Then 1 minute after she left she messaged saying a guy was hitting on her. Why would I want to hear that?!
So I feel so out-of-place, lonely, lost and miserable. I wish I had just gone to a new university and started afresh. That self-harming injury I caused is also worrying me. My cheek is still really swollen and I woke up with my ears covered in blood. Don’t know why smashing my cheekbone would have caused that but I’m a bit worried about that now as well. Now that I’m back I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t even like the room I’m in. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel ready for any of this. Any advice would mean a lot or if you just want to vent about what’s going on with you then feel free. I hope you’re having a better week than me 😦