Life update and frustrations

Frustation keyboard

Hi Everyone 👋

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post so I thought I’d update you on what’s been happening and vent a little about a few things. I’ve actually broken my post down this time into segments so all my thoughts and feelings aren’t jumbled up together so I feel organised 🙂

Bad:

  • Didn’t get the job: So the plan is to go back to university in September and obviously while I’m there, I want to be working part time so I can earn some money to get a flat when I graduate as neither my Mum or Dad will let me live with them after university. The job I wanted was working in my universities library. I called up at the beginning of the year and explained my situation saying I would be returning in September and asked if they would have any jobs going then. I was told to look on my universities website around May and the applications will close at the end of May and to apply there. So I did what she said and I couldn’t find the application section anywhere. So I called up today to ask about the jobs going again as we’re in the middle. I spoke to a very rude woman who told me all the jobs have gone and the applications have closed. Every time I tried to explain to her what had happened or ask a question she would just talk over me. I even tried asking the same question 3 times and she spoke over me every time! She eventually shut up but the whole thing has just really pissed me off. I was told the end of May the applications would close and I couldn’t find anywhere on the university page to apply over the last month. I just presumed they hadn’t put up the posting yet that’s why I only asked today. I’m now very unlikely of finding another job while studying which means I’ll have no money to afford a flat and I’ll be homeless as my parents are shit. Thanks Uni and God. A* as always.

 

  • Missing my ex: I’ve been really missing Jess (Not real name) lately. I just can’t seem to move on from her and I 100% hate being single. I’m still using dating websites and I’m just having no luck at all. I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I’ve asked people and they say I’m not ugly at all or bad looking so I don’t get it. I just feel like they’re saying that to make me feel better but at uni, 3/4 girls I was living with had a crush on me and liked me and the 4th just never told anyone much. Also, when I started hooking up with Jess, a girl bought me a drink and asked or my number. Four other girls started talking to me on tinder which never happens to me anymore so I just don’t get it. I feel like when I was in a relationship with Jess and the other girl from years ago, everyone suddenly liked me and wanted me. Now that I’m single, I can’t seem to get anyone to like me or even talk to me and find me attractive. It’s making me feel so shit about myself.

 

  • Angry: I’ve been getting really angry over the smallest of things and beating myself up too over the smallest of things. One thing that has made me really angry lately is my friends from university. Basically one of my friends there has been diagnosed with cancer which is absolutely horrible. However when I was talking to her, she said she didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to upset anyone but then said everyone in the our group of friends knows but me. She told three or four people and her boyfriend told the rest. I mean, wtf! I 100% understand why she didn’t tell me and if she doesn’t want to I’m okay with that but her boyfriend could of told me or one of our group could have. He even messaged me the week asking how I was and stuff and he’s never, ever done that before! I even asked how he and her were and he said it had been pretty bad and not great. I just asked is that because of the distance and he flat out ignored me and never responded to my message. Dick! It just makes me feel like I’m not really even friends with them if I’m the last to know. So I’ve left the group chat because I got really angry and still am at them. It’s horrible because it’s made me angry at her and not care about what shes going through and its not even her fault. I’m such a dick for feeling like that but that’s how they’ve made me feel.

 

Good:

  • I got PIP! So PIP is like a benefit kinda thing (I think) to help people with illnesses and medical conditions. So I’m going to start getting money from that and that is going to really help. I spend so much money on Jelly Babies and things to sort my blood sugar level out and spending money on travel costs to get to medical appointments so this is really good. It also means I’ll get more money for university which is awesome. I’m little pissed off with what the lady wrote about me after my assessment as she said there was nothing wrong with my memory at all and I don’t shake. This has pissed me right off as I could of got a higher rate of pay. I was going to call up and complaint and say I have my MRI scan if you want it and my memory is so shit. Plus my hands are shaking non stop after my accident so she can fuck right off. But my Dad was like you got it so don’t bother complaining as they might review you and take it away. I’m not sure how true that is but yeah. Overall, I’m happy I have it and it will help a lot.

 

  • I have a summer job: So after my last job didn’t go so well I’ve started working in my local pub as a kitchen porter. It doesn’t pay a lot but it’s very chill, it’s kind of relaxing and I don’t have to really think or stress myself out to much. The manager was really nice and said if I start to feel better and healthier, maybe I can move up to front of house and behind the bar. That meant a lot to me and they are all very nice there. It sucks it doesn’t pay much but it’s money and it doesn’t stress me out and it’s easy.

 

So there’s the update on me. I’m sure I’ve missed out on some things but if I remember them, I’ll come back and edit this post later. The plan now is to start going to the gym and start working and planning out my dissertation so I have a head start and am prepared for when I get back to uni. I’ll try to make another post again soon and not leave such a gap. Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you’re all well. Fell free to leave a message :).

Dear God…

Dear God

Hi everyone 🙂 It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and I’ve recently been talking to God lately, or myself whether you believe in him or not. Basically I’ve just been talking to him out loud with no one around and not in a positive way. So if you believe in God, this won’t be the post for you to read and I really recommend you skip this one if you do believe in God because it will get intense. I don’t know if I really believe in God and I don’t go to church or anything like that. But I’ve struggled in my life a lot and it’s just good to talk out loud thinking someone is listening. Obviously there are many, many people around the world that are in far worse situations than me but my life I think, has still been very difficult. I’ve made this post because I wanted to just vent in a sort of letter to God rather than just talking out loud. So, here is my letter and as I said at the beginning, it will not be a nice letter. So,  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Dear God,

What the fuck is your problem with me?! You have treated me like absolute shit my whole life and for what reason?! You’ve never told me what I’ve done to you or what I’ve done that makes me such a horrible person that I need to be punished all the fucking time. I think I’ve been a pretty decent, good and kind person throughout my life. I’ve never killed anyone or committed a serious crime. I treat people with respect and I even thank you when you do kind things for me. Which, is very fucking rare! And when you do kind things for me, you then later punish me and take the nice things you’ve done away from me. E.g, previous relationships. Let me go through some of the fucking horrible things you’ve done to me throughout my life.

At the age of two or three, you gave me pneumonia. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at that fucking age to deserve that?! Don’t worry dick bag, I’ll let that one pass as I don’t remember it. At the age of five, my Dad left and my Mum and Dad split. Leaving me with no male role model growing up and having to learn everything a man needs to know on my own. I haven’t even learnt how to shave and I just use a fucking electric one because my Dad wasn’t around to teach me that life lesson. Nice that everyone else had their fucking Dad growing up and got to learn everything they needed to know. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at the age of five to deserve that punishment. Let me have a guess. Nothing? Seems like it.

Moments during primary school and a lot during secondary school, 6th form and college, I was bullied. What. The. Fuck?! I must have deserved that for being nice to everyone. You gave me lots of friends and I wasn’t bullied all the time but quite a lot. So thanks for that twat. Lets put some icing on the cake here shall we. At age 14, you gave me type 1 diabetes. What. The. Fuck?! I’m blaming this all on you because no one in my family has that condition. No one! I took care of my body and played sport all the fucking time! Pretty much non stop. I ate healthily and took care of my body. I still haven’t been given a fucking answer about why I got it! I’ve asked so many people and mentioned it so many times and no one can give me an answer. Fucking dick! So that’s all on you twat. Next, the most horrible and painful thing you’ve done to me. You gave me my first relationship and made it end horribly. You even did the unthinkable during that relationship (I’m not going to mention it as I hate thinking about it and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me). She treated me like shit and broke my heart. Leaving me with serve depression for almost 10 fucking years. Cunt! I treated her so well and was almost the perfect boyfriend. What. The. Fuck?! However, she broke up with me twice and the first time I went up the lane where I live and I sat on a gate that leads into another filed. I cried for such a long time and I prayed to you to please give her back to me and let us be in a relationship again. You gave her back to me and then on my 18th birthday, got her to finally dump me for the last time. FUCKING DICK! She then went off and fucked so many different guys and obviously I head about all of them. Not a couple of months after dumping me, but with a day or two. Fucking whore! You’ve left me single for 10 years now and I am unable to get a girlfriend. Not for lack of trying but just because you’re a dick.

Next, making me go bald. What. The. Fuck?! Why?! Why the fuck are you punishing me with that at the age of fucking 27?! Such a cunt! You didn’t even get my Dad or other family members to tell me that other members in my family went bald because if you had, I would have saved up money over the years so I could get a transplant! But no, of course you wouldn’t do that for me. That would be far to nice of you. If I had saved money, I would have more than enough to afford a transplant. But now, I have practically £0 in my bank account. Thanks dick head! Moving on, I’ve been on two dates in my life (pathetic I know) and both went horribly. What. The. Fuck?! Why? People tell me I’m attractive although I don’t believe them so what’s the fucking problem? And now, the final thing that comes to mind is my most recent relationship. When I woke up from my coma, I felt the best I’ve felt in absolute years! I felt amazing! And then, I started hooking up with an amazing girl who eventually told me she loved me and would leave her boyfriend for me. But oh no, that was far to fucking nice of you to do that to me. So you made her pick her boyfriend over me, dump me and now she’s no longer talking to me because she needs to work on her health and wants me to work on mine. What. The. Fuck?! The first thing close to a relationship I’ve had in almost 10 years and you take it away from me. Why? What was the fucking reason for that? Was it because I’m failing at university? Which is another fucking thing I’m blaming you for! First year, I got a first for my work but of course God, first year grades don’t count so no marks from that towards my overall grade. You then had my fucking house mates both first year and second year treat me like shit. What. The. Fuck?! Why? What the fuck did I do to them? I’ll tell what I did! Fuck all you twat!

All I have to say to you is, you deserve to be in fucking hell for the way you’ve treated me throughout my life. The things I’ve listed are only some of the things that instantly come to mind! I’m sure you’ve done some other fucking horrible things throughout my life. I’m sure at the end of uni I’ll graduate with a third rather than a first which is what I should have gotten! Why don’t you just keep adding to the fucking pile of horrible things you can do to me. You are an absolute fucking piece of shit and from now on, I am going to insult you and swear at you every time you do something horrible to me and don’t you worry, I’ll say amen at the end. I’m going to kill myself at 30 unless you fucking start treating me well. I may even move up that date as you’re making me lose hair at a billion miles an hour like the fucking cunt you are. You won’t even give me a fucking explanation of why you’re treating me life this. You won’t even tell me what to do to apologise and make things right. I’ve been nice to you throughout my life and always thanked you for the few things you’ve done for me that have been nice but like I said, you’ve then always punished me and taken them away from me. JUST FUCKING TREAT ME RIGHT! FUCKING TREAT ME NICELY! I’m going to treat you like shit and insult you all the time until you change the way you treat me as you don’t fucking deserve anything nice until you treat me well.

Right now, all I’m asking for and have been asking for is a girlfriend and to win the lottery or get enough money to afford a hair transplant. Just stop being a fucking dick!

Okay, I think I’m done. I’m so sorry to everyone reading this for it being such a long post and for upsetting anyone but I needed to say that and to vent which is what this blog is for. So I’m sorry for upsetting anyone. Feel free to leave a comment or ask anything. I hope you’re all well and having a good day. Thanks for reading :).

Merry Christmas!

christmas mental health

Happy Christmas everyone! 🙂 I hope you’re having  lovely day and celebrating the day with loved ones. I felt like making a post as it’s Christmas and I wanted to wish everyone Happy Christmas. I hate to talk about my mental health on this day but I felt like it was needed as I’m feeling very low and like I’ve done before, I’ve self harmed instead of talking on here. So this post might be depressing and I’d actually prefer you don’t read on as I don’t want to ruin your holidays. So if you’re leaving, happy holidays and I hope you’re having  a great day :).

Okay, so if you’ve stuck around I’ll get into the depressing stuff. So I don’t know if I mentioned this before but my younger sister and I had a falling out over the summer. Basically we got into an argument on her birthday over something silly. I was playing a game and I needed to go upstairs to grab something. So I asked her if she wouldn’t mind taking over as I had a chance to win VC (Virtual currency). When I cam back downstairs, she had dumped the controller down on the chair and wasn’t paying attention. I got upset and I had a go at her. She chucked my present to her in the trash and she hasn’t spoken to me since then. Now I know I shouldn’t have had a go at her over something so small, so yes it was my fault. I wasn’t even upset about her putting the controller down, it was the fact that she promised to do something and then didn’t do that. I get very upset when people make promises to me and then break them. It’s happened a lot to me and I just don’t understand why people make promises if they can’t keep them. If someone asked me to promise them I’d come visit, I wouldn’t. I’d say I’d try my best but I wouldn’t promise because things come up and interfere. Don’t say you’ll do something if you won’t because it will just upset the person. I was going to apologise but she threw my present in the trash so I still haven’t and I’m not going. I mentioned this because she still hasn’t spoken to me or tried to fix things between us. Christmas should be spent with your family and loved ones. She didn’t get me a present either and has just ignored me so that has really upset me. My mum has also banned me from ever coming to her house. It’s the reason I’m living with my aunt and I absolutely hate her for it. I begged her to let me come live with her and I even told her I was feeling suicidal. She said over the summer I bought an aggressive and horrible attitude to the house and I made her and my sisters feel uncomfortable and she never wants me in her house again. Growing up  was very aggressive but this summer I wasn’t even close to that. I stayed in my room, washed up, walked the dog and tried to help out whenever I could. She is a disgusting human being. I use to be aggressive yes but I have changed completely and I am no longer like that. She hasn’t changed one bit and she’s always treated me like shit. It probably explains why my aunt bullies me so much as well. Anyway, both my mother and sister treating me like this has ruined Christmas for me.

One slight positive is that my Dad has allowed me to stay with him and his flatmate this Christmas. I’m very happy about this as I literally have been so close to killing myself and having time away from my aunt has been much-needed. It’s only for just under a week but it’s something at least. About a week or two ago I begged my Dad to let me come live with him and that I was feeling suicidal. His response? I’m blackmailing him. Not an A* their Dad for when your son is telling you he’s thinking about taking is own life. Anyway I bring this up because I’ve had a lot of injuries recently and I was talking to my Dad about them about an hour ago. I said I didn’t want to go into the conversation as it would ruin the Christmas spirit but we carried on talking and then he said we should talk about this another time as it will turn into a huge, heated argument. He then said not heated but intense. Ummmmmm? I said lets end the conversation so don’t carry it on and then tell me to end the conversation and why when we have it, does it have to be heated and intense? Basically when we were talking about it just now he said it’s all my fault for not ;leaving university when he told me too and that I shouldn’t go back. So that’s also ruined the day for me. I can’t wait for that conversation to happy before I go back to verbal abuse from my aunt. My family truly is the best.

To add to the list, I’m losing hair and I am going bald. I’ll make a post on this and go into more depth but looking at my hair, it just seems like I’m losing more and more pretty fast. It’s making me really depressed and I’d literally rather die than have no hair. I have a bald path basically at my scalp and at the front my hair is receding back quicker and quicker.It is making me so upset and I am hating myself more and more everyday. My aunt also pointed it out and was basically criticising me on it making me feel even more shit about it. Pointing out how noticeable it was when standing behind me. She knows I’m having mental health issues and she’s just making me worse by being a bitch with comments like that. I’m trying to use a Regaine I think it is but I haven’t been using it for long and you apparently only start noticing after 6 months I think so I’m hoping that will help me grow more hair at the back. I’m also hoping my current GP will refer me to see someone about gong bald and am also hoping that I can work enough this year and save up for a hair transplant maybe? Very unlikely as I need the money to save up for my own flat when I graduate but I suppose I can dream I’ll have enough money.  Maybe me being so stressed out is causing my hair to fall out quicker but I have no idea if that’s true or not.

I am currently trying to stay positive and put myself in a good mood. I’m watching the NBA right now as I received a free league pass trial for a week as it’s Christmas so that was really nice. I’ve had some coke and my Dad got me my favourite drink  Purdey’s and Paprika crisps which my Dad got me so that was nice of him. But I am still feeling very depressed, low, stressed and shaken up by what’s going on in my life and I’ve only mentioned the things on my mind right now! Anyway this post has been very long so I wish you all Happy Christmas and I hope you’re having a good day and feeling well. Goodnight 🙂

Clingy and Dizzy

Clingy

Last night I was talking to the girl who recently ended things between us. Actually as I talk about her a lot, I’m going to just give her a fake name to save me always typing the girl who ended things with me. I’ll call her Day, So last night I was talking to Day and she said I was being extra clingy. What the fuck?

I’ve been talking to her a lot recently as I’ve been really struggling and feeling really down because of my Aunt. Anyway I basically upset her with something I said and I started to panic because I hate upsetting her. If you know me I hate upsetting people in general but as I said, I started to panic and I messaged her a few times saying sorry and I didn’t mean what I said. She replied saying “You’re acting super weird…are you okay?” I responded with “Why do you say that? I said sorry.”. She then responded with “Like extra clingy and upset”. 1.) I didn’t realise I didn’t think I was being extra clingy and by saying extra, it makes it seem like I’ve already been clingy for a while now and I don’t think I have at all. It’s really upset and it’s upset me even more because she hasn’t messaged me today at all and she normally messages me everyday. So now I’m really upset that she’s going to end things because things between us started up again.I can’t remember if I told you guys so if I haven’t, now you’re up to date. If she doesn’t end things, then I’m not sure how to act around her anymore because if I’m being clingy, should I back off? Because if I back off she’ll have ago at me for not opening up or talking to her and she’ll end things. If I keep acting normal then she’ll end things if she hasn’t already, for continuing to be clingy. Again, I don’t think I am being clingy but apparently I am and that’s really fucked me off. I really hope she hasn’t ended things because I don’t think I could handle anymore shit happening to me. I’m seriously considering committing suicide as it is already because of what’s gong on with my aunt and life in general. I prayed to god today please can she message me and if she messages me, that means she won’t end things but if she doesn’t, that means she will. She still hasn’t messaged me and we’re not at 17.57 so I’m getting super scared :(. Should I message her or should I just wait? If she messages, we’re just going to get into an argument because I’m super pissed off with her calling me extra clingy. If you all have any advice please let me know.

Dizzy

Another problem I’m having is my head is being really weird at the moment. I’m constantly dizzy and I don’t know whats going on. It’s spinning and I can’t think straight and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. It’s like I have a million multiple choice questions in front of me but before I get to answer they’re gone in seconds. It’s like if you put everything in your room into a pool a giant pool of glue and it starts spinning really fast and you’ve got to try to grab something. It’s horrible. I don’t know what I should do. I might go to my GP if it doesn’t get any better after a week. Is it stress or is something else wrong?

So at the moment, things are pretty shit and the whole point of dropping out of university for a year was to get well but I’m getting worse not better. My family has pretty much disowned me and my aunt just constantly bullies me. The girl I love apparently thinks I’m clingy and is now not talking to me and I’m getting more and more ill. I hate living with my aunt, I miss being at university and I just want to die. I miss my friends and I’m just hating myself right now. I’m happy I have WordPress though because it just makes me feel better venting to people and people listening to me. If anyone has any advice for me it would mean a lot. Hope you’re having a better day than me :).

 

My Birthday

sad-birthday-cake

Hello,

Today, is my birthday. I feel really horrible today due to my Aunt. She’s a bully and is horrible to me everyday. She has ago at me for staying in my room, she had ago at me today for calling up the doctors to ask about having some medication sent to the pharmacy, she had ago at me for turning up the shower heat and had ago at me for not being outside for very long. This is what she’s like everyday and I should probably vent about it on here more as it’s just making me feel suicidal. I would list what she’s done since I moved in but I just wanted to list what she’s done today because, it’s my birthday. I thought on today she would be less of a bitch but no. She’s just carried on bullying me as she always does and normally I’d stand up for myself but I don’t as I’m scared she’ll throw me on the street and I’ll have nowhere to live.

I wanted to make a post on my birthday today as ever since my 18th birthday, my birthday has always sucked. It’s probably because on my 18th my ex broke up with me and ever since then I’ve suffered with depression so I just think of my birthday as a memory of my break up and the start of my depression. This birthday has sucked for a number of reasons and here’s the list:

1.) None of my family except my dad sent me a birthday present or card. My aunt and her son got me one but it’s a mug that says “His Lordship”. Now I’m sure I’m probably over thinking it and I’m sure anyone else would appreciate it but I swear it’s just my aunt taking a shot at me as she’s a bitch. Making out I’m some sort of snob or whatever. It’s just meant to be an insult of some sort.

2.) The other day I sent a message to my dad saying I hate living here and she’s making me feel suicidal. It’s horrible and it’s making me more unwell and ill and please, please can I come live with you. His response, I’m blackmailing him. Now normally when someone tells you they’re feeling suicidal, it’s probably not the best thing to insult them. I wasn’t blackmailing him in any way, I was just making him aware because last time I tried to take my own life, he got annoyed because I didn’t tell him. He says he want’s to talk about it when I go down and see him for Christmas but I have nothing more to say to be honest. I told him how I’m feeling and he insulted me, so I don’t really think there’s anything more to be said.

3.) I’m not sure if I said this in my previous post but I begged my mum if I could come live with her instead of living with her sister and her response was no. I bring a violent and aggressive nature to the household. I didn’t help over the summer and I’m a horrible human being. Firstly, I washed and wiped up on a regular basis and although it might not have been everyone’s plates or items, I consistently cleaned mine. Secondly, I went on many dog walks and walked Willow (Dogs name) on a regular basis. She also said I spent all my time in my room and my aunt has ago at me constantly for doing that at her house too. So to my mum and aunt. I stay in my room as I feel comfortable there. I feel safe and I’m able to have fun, get work done, relax and enjoy myself. When I’m around my mum and sisters they will just argue with me and I’m not sitting around my aunt to hear her have ago at me constantly and be consistently racist.

4.) Me and the girl I broke up with are now getting on really well. It’s amazing and I’m having so much fun talking to her and we’re really good friends now. I was meant to see her today and travel down to university but she cancelled. She cancelled because she’s very unwell and I totally understand that because she is really unwell but it would have been nice to get away from my aunt and have a nice happy day with someone I genuinely love. Instead, I’ve had to listen to my aunt treat me like shit and insult me while I sit at home doing nothing.

So those are the reasons why yet again, my birthday has sucked. All I want to do, is overdose on insulin. That’s all I want to do right now. I’d be able to escape and I wouldn’t be happy because I believe when you die, it’s just like sleeping without any dreams or nightmares. It’s just nothing. Sure I’d love there to be a heaven and if there is and I make it there, I am seriously going to go off at god for giving me such a shit life. I mean, dick haha. Sorry to anyone religious. Apparently last year my flat mates were lovely and made me a cake and decorated the flat but because of what happened in January with my coma, I can’t remember. Obviously I wouldn’t remember the one nice birthday I had. Anyway I’m just really unhappy today and I’d just for once, want to have a happy birthday. Here’s hoping if I live until next year, I’ll have one n 2019. If anyone has any advice on dealing with depression on your birthday or just having a shit birthday in general, please comment and make me feel better haha. I hope you’re all having a good and if it’s your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I’ve become really ill

ill

The other night at 1.00am, I woke up on my bedroom floor covered in blood. I had somehow fallen out of bed and knocked my head against something. I went to the bathroom and my face was covered in blood. I don’t know what happened at all. I went to bed at around 20.00/21.00 and my blood sugar was completely fine. I woke up disoriented and with my head spinning wondering what the hell had happened. I messaged my housemates in our group chat and one of them walked me to A&E where I stayed until 10.00am. I came discharged myself as I had a meeting at university but when I got home, I collapsed on the floor and stated having a panic attack. After being told so many times I need to focus on my health, I finally realised that maybe I need to take study leave and drop out of university until next September. However, I was not expecting the response I received from my family.

After I came home from A&E and collapsing on the floor, I called university housing, my tutor and well-being at the university and explained what had happened. Housing came round and gave me new bedding as I had ruined mine and they took me back to A&E. I saw my tutor later on in the week and I spoke to both my Mum and Dad. I told my Dad I was unwell and would I be able to come and stay with him for a year while I sort out my health. He said no because his housemate wouldn’t allow it due to they live in a two bedroom apartment and there wouldn’t be enough room. I didn’t and I don’t really want to go back to my mum’s as we don’t get along and I don’t get along with my sisters either. After my Dad said no though, I called him up again today explaining how unwell I was and if he could convince mum to let me go to hers as she also sad no.  In my head I’ve now realised how unwell I am and how much help I need and this is what my Dad said. “No”.WHAT?! No?! He went on saying I’ll come home to my mum’s and just sit on the Xbox all day and do nothing. I won’t help out around the house. I’ll get up at 13.00 and not take care of myself. He said he’d rather I stay at university and fail my degree. The man who has told me all along that I need to put my health first is now saying no when I’ve finally realised I need help. I mean, how fucking dare he! The only reason I’m at university is because I put in the effort and hard work to get my health right so I could get a degree. Yes, I agree that I have done what he said I would do in the past but that’s when I was attempting to kill myself everyday. I actually know what I need to do and I told him on the phone I would and he’s said no. He said I’d have to convince my mum on my own that I would do housework, help out, sort my health out, sleep on the floor downstairs as there aren’t enough rooms in the house and fix things with my sister as we’re not talking anymore. So, I called up my mum.

The first thing my mum said was that my Aunt said I could down and stay with her anytime. So i asked is that for the whole year? To which my mum responded I don’t know I’ll have to ask. I then basically begged and said please can I come back as I’m really unwell and I told her what dad and said about her saying I don’t help out or do anything. She said he was lying but I doubt that. She then said yes I could but kept repeating and making sure I wasn’t staying with her for Christmas and that I was gong to my Dads. I’ve become really unwell and I’m now in week 9 of my third year at university and I’ve still done no work as I feel so shit and I’m not functioning at all. Both my parents in the past have told me to focus on my health and now that I’ve acknowledged this and asked for help, they’ve both told me to fuck off basically. My Dad doesn’t think I’ll bother to get well and has put his housemate before his own son and my Mum has doesn’t think I’ll help out and has said there’s not enough room in the house for all three of us (my sisters). So,my older sister is 5 years older than me and still living at home and my younger sister is at university in her final year. Both are very well and healthy and you’re putting them first over me?! Thanks.

I am so fucking mad, hurt and upset right now at both my parents. I’m really unwell and they’ve both told me to fuck off basically and picked other people over me? A* parents right there. The fact my Dad even said you’ll just have to fail your degree then really fucks me off. It’s like, “DAD, if I fail my degree, I won’t be able to get a very good job and I’ll have no money and be in debt. Which means I’ll actually be begging you and mum to let me stay and one of yours while I end up getting a rubbish job and becoming even more depressed for failing my degree and who know’s how long I’ll need to live at home because of this. You’d rather that then letting me come back for a year to sort myself out so I can eventually graduate with an okay grade and get my own job and my own place to live? Good job at thinking ahead. So it looks like I’m stuck at university for my last year. I’m literally going to fail my degree and when that happens, I’m going to kill myself. I have no money either at the moment so even if god actually does let me pass, I’ll have nowhere to live as I don’t have any money to get a flat. I don’t have any family members that will let me live with them so I’m fucked all around.

Right now, my thoughts are to go and buy a hotel room for the a night and overdose on insulin. I don’t want to fail my degree but I’m 9 weeks behind on work and I have my dissertation to complete as well that I’m also 9 weeks behind on and I’ve written nothing for it. I’m on 0 words out of 10,000. I’ve done no reading either. I’ve literally failed my degree already unless I can take a year out. I want to die. I don’t have any family members who want to help me and I don’t have any friends at university as they’ve all graduated last year. I’ve got no one. I’m alone and scared and I don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would mean the world to me. Thanks for reading.

 

A nice ending ☺️

Goodbye Hug

It’s not very often you ever have a good breakup with someone. People always end up getting hurt, there are arguments, you both end up hurting each other and it’s just one of the toughest things you have to deal with in your life. On the Monday just gone though, the girl I’ve been talking about over the last few months who broke things off between us, came round and we actually finally ended things nicely.

In my very first relationship, when we broke up it ended really badly. It didn’t end nicely at all. We argued, she hurt me by getting with several other people when we broke up, she ended it on my 18th birthday and she was just so horrible. She never gave me answers to questions I had and she went around the whole school telling everyone how horrible I was. Not as in mean but as in horrible at relationship stuff and that was just horrible for me. The girl who recently ended things with me, I started hating her as much as my ex from before. I just felt like she got over me instantly and I don’t get how you get over someone that quickly if you love them. On the 22nd of this month though, the Monday just gone, she came round and we sat down and talked about everything. Since she ended things, all we had been doing was arguing nonstop. I’ve been wanting to talk about everything because I didn’t get to do this with my ex and if we were going to stay friends, I felt like we needed to do this. She said what she wanted to say, I vented about everything and said how I was hurt by what she had done. The lie she told **********, making promises and breaking them all and just how shitty it was of her to do what she’s done. I told her that she just reminded me of my ex and that I was finding just being friends really hard but she wasn’t anything like my ex. She didn’t interrupt me or argue with me, she didn’t have a go at me or shout at me. She didn’t even get up and walk out. She just, listened. She sat there and listened to everything I had said too. I mean, it meant and still means the world to me that she just heard me out and didn’t argue with me or call me pathetic. She even did what my ex would have never of done and said sorry and not just once but several times.

We continued to talk about everything that had happened and she told me that she does still have feelings for me and I really needed to hear that. Not so I can try to get her back but so I know that she didn’t just get over me instantly. She just explained that she does still like me but she’s in a relationship and has been for a while and she wants to try to make it work. She feels so bad for not being with me and promising to breakup with him but she wants to give it one last shot. The whole situation between us has just been really bad timing. I even said I was going to ask her out as soon as she was single and she said “I hope you do”. She cried and got upset because she had hurt me so much and it was just a very emotional day. After we finished talking she stayed over and we hung out for a couple of hours and it was really nice. We just laid down together and hugged until she had to leave.

It was the best ending I could have possible asked for and we haven’t had one argument since. As much as I feel better about the whole situation, I’m still really upset. I’m so happy that it happened the way it did but I love her so much and her being as amazing as she was on Monday just makes me miss her even more. It just sucks that she’s in a relationship because if she wasn’t, we’d be together. I totally get why she ended it with me because she’s been in that relationship for a long time and it makes sense why she doesn’t just want to throw it away. It’s been a big part of her life and I’ve never been in a relationship for that long so I’m sure it must be really tough to let it go. I just wish she could have because I know we could be amazing together. We both still have huge feelings for each other and I think that’s what’s going to make this tough. It means the world though that she came round and we sorted it all out. I’m obviously still really upset and I still really want to be with her but it ended on a nice note and I couldn’t ask for anything more. She’s nothing like my ex at all and her doing what she did Monday meant the world to me and I can’t thank her enough for it. I care about her so much, it just makes me feel really bad for how I’ve been talking about her on here and how I’ve been so angry at her and hating her. She even admitted that she hadn’t handled it well because she was so upset for having ended it. It was the best ending to what we had and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I don’t know if we will ever be together and I don’t know if I should hold onto the idea that we will be but it means a lot to me that we ended things positively.

Have any of you had a nice breakup? If you haven’t, how would you of liked your relationship to have ended? Feel free to share your stories or thoughts on my situation in the comments below. Thanks for reading :).