Life update and frustrations

Frustation keyboard

Hi Everyone 👋

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post so I thought I’d update you on what’s been happening and vent a little about a few things. I’ve actually broken my post down this time into segments so all my thoughts and feelings aren’t jumbled up together so I feel organised 🙂

Bad:

  • Didn’t get the job: So the plan is to go back to university in September and obviously while I’m there, I want to be working part time so I can earn some money to get a flat when I graduate as neither my Mum or Dad will let me live with them after university. The job I wanted was working in my universities library. I called up at the beginning of the year and explained my situation saying I would be returning in September and asked if they would have any jobs going then. I was told to look on my universities website around May and the applications will close at the end of May and to apply there. So I did what she said and I couldn’t find the application section anywhere. So I called up today to ask about the jobs going again as we’re in the middle. I spoke to a very rude woman who told me all the jobs have gone and the applications have closed. Every time I tried to explain to her what had happened or ask a question she would just talk over me. I even tried asking the same question 3 times and she spoke over me every time! She eventually shut up but the whole thing has just really pissed me off. I was told the end of May the applications would close and I couldn’t find anywhere on the university page to apply over the last month. I just presumed they hadn’t put up the posting yet that’s why I only asked today. I’m now very unlikely of finding another job while studying which means I’ll have no money to afford a flat and I’ll be homeless as my parents are shit. Thanks Uni and God. A* as always.

 

  • Missing my ex: I’ve been really missing Jess (Not real name) lately. I just can’t seem to move on from her and I 100% hate being single. I’m still using dating websites and I’m just having no luck at all. I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I’ve asked people and they say I’m not ugly at all or bad looking so I don’t get it. I just feel like they’re saying that to make me feel better but at uni, 3/4 girls I was living with had a crush on me and liked me and the 4th just never told anyone much. Also, when I started hooking up with Jess, a girl bought me a drink and asked or my number. Four other girls started talking to me on tinder which never happens to me anymore so I just don’t get it. I feel like when I was in a relationship with Jess and the other girl from years ago, everyone suddenly liked me and wanted me. Now that I’m single, I can’t seem to get anyone to like me or even talk to me and find me attractive. It’s making me feel so shit about myself.

 

  • Angry: I’ve been getting really angry over the smallest of things and beating myself up too over the smallest of things. One thing that has made me really angry lately is my friends from university. Basically one of my friends there has been diagnosed with cancer which is absolutely horrible. However when I was talking to her, she said she didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to upset anyone but then said everyone in the our group of friends knows but me. She told three or four people and her boyfriend told the rest. I mean, wtf! I 100% understand why she didn’t tell me and if she doesn’t want to I’m okay with that but her boyfriend could of told me or one of our group could have. He even messaged me the week asking how I was and stuff and he’s never, ever done that before! I even asked how he and her were and he said it had been pretty bad and not great. I just asked is that because of the distance and he flat out ignored me and never responded to my message. Dick! It just makes me feel like I’m not really even friends with them if I’m the last to know. So I’ve left the group chat because I got really angry and still am at them. It’s horrible because it’s made me angry at her and not care about what shes going through and its not even her fault. I’m such a dick for feeling like that but that’s how they’ve made me feel.

 

Good:

  • I got PIP! So PIP is like a benefit kinda thing (I think) to help people with illnesses and medical conditions. So I’m going to start getting money from that and that is going to really help. I spend so much money on Jelly Babies and things to sort my blood sugar level out and spending money on travel costs to get to medical appointments so this is really good. It also means I’ll get more money for university which is awesome. I’m little pissed off with what the lady wrote about me after my assessment as she said there was nothing wrong with my memory at all and I don’t shake. This has pissed me right off as I could of got a higher rate of pay. I was going to call up and complaint and say I have my MRI scan if you want it and my memory is so shit. Plus my hands are shaking non stop after my accident so she can fuck right off. But my Dad was like you got it so don’t bother complaining as they might review you and take it away. I’m not sure how true that is but yeah. Overall, I’m happy I have it and it will help a lot.

 

  • I have a summer job: So after my last job didn’t go so well I’ve started working in my local pub as a kitchen porter. It doesn’t pay a lot but it’s very chill, it’s kind of relaxing and I don’t have to really think or stress myself out to much. The manager was really nice and said if I start to feel better and healthier, maybe I can move up to front of house and behind the bar. That meant a lot to me and they are all very nice there. It sucks it doesn’t pay much but it’s money and it doesn’t stress me out and it’s easy.

 

So there’s the update on me. I’m sure I’ve missed out on some things but if I remember them, I’ll come back and edit this post later. The plan now is to start going to the gym and start working and planning out my dissertation so I have a head start and am prepared for when I get back to uni. I’ll try to make another post again soon and not leave such a gap. Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you’re all well. Fell free to leave a message :).

Clingy and Dizzy

Clingy

Last night I was talking to the girl who recently ended things between us. Actually as I talk about her a lot, I’m going to just give her a fake name to save me always typing the girl who ended things with me. I’ll call her Day, So last night I was talking to Day and she said I was being extra clingy. What the fuck?

I’ve been talking to her a lot recently as I’ve been really struggling and feeling really down because of my Aunt. Anyway I basically upset her with something I said and I started to panic because I hate upsetting her. If you know me I hate upsetting people in general but as I said, I started to panic and I messaged her a few times saying sorry and I didn’t mean what I said. She replied saying “You’re acting super weird…are you okay?” I responded with “Why do you say that? I said sorry.”. She then responded with “Like extra clingy and upset”. 1.) I didn’t realise I didn’t think I was being extra clingy and by saying extra, it makes it seem like I’ve already been clingy for a while now and I don’t think I have at all. It’s really upset and it’s upset me even more because she hasn’t messaged me today at all and she normally messages me everyday. So now I’m really upset that she’s going to end things because things between us started up again.I can’t remember if I told you guys so if I haven’t, now you’re up to date. If she doesn’t end things, then I’m not sure how to act around her anymore because if I’m being clingy, should I back off? Because if I back off she’ll have ago at me for not opening up or talking to her and she’ll end things. If I keep acting normal then she’ll end things if she hasn’t already, for continuing to be clingy. Again, I don’t think I am being clingy but apparently I am and that’s really fucked me off. I really hope she hasn’t ended things because I don’t think I could handle anymore shit happening to me. I’m seriously considering committing suicide as it is already because of what’s gong on with my aunt and life in general. I prayed to god today please can she message me and if she messages me, that means she won’t end things but if she doesn’t, that means she will. She still hasn’t messaged me and we’re not at 17.57 so I’m getting super scared :(. Should I message her or should I just wait? If she messages, we’re just going to get into an argument because I’m super pissed off with her calling me extra clingy. If you all have any advice please let me know.

Dizzy

Another problem I’m having is my head is being really weird at the moment. I’m constantly dizzy and I don’t know whats going on. It’s spinning and I can’t think straight and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. It’s like I have a million multiple choice questions in front of me but before I get to answer they’re gone in seconds. It’s like if you put everything in your room into a pool a giant pool of glue and it starts spinning really fast and you’ve got to try to grab something. It’s horrible. I don’t know what I should do. I might go to my GP if it doesn’t get any better after a week. Is it stress or is something else wrong?

So at the moment, things are pretty shit and the whole point of dropping out of university for a year was to get well but I’m getting worse not better. My family has pretty much disowned me and my aunt just constantly bullies me. The girl I love apparently thinks I’m clingy and is now not talking to me and I’m getting more and more ill. I hate living with my aunt, I miss being at university and I just want to die. I miss my friends and I’m just hating myself right now. I’m happy I have WordPress though because it just makes me feel better venting to people and people listening to me. If anyone has any advice for me it would mean a lot. Hope you’re having a better day than me :).

 

A nice ending ☺️

Goodbye Hug

It’s not very often you ever have a good breakup with someone. People always end up getting hurt, there are arguments, you both end up hurting each other and it’s just one of the toughest things you have to deal with in your life. On the Monday just gone though, the girl I’ve been talking about over the last few months who broke things off between us, came round and we actually finally ended things nicely.

In my very first relationship, when we broke up it ended really badly. It didn’t end nicely at all. We argued, she hurt me by getting with several other people when we broke up, she ended it on my 18th birthday and she was just so horrible. She never gave me answers to questions I had and she went around the whole school telling everyone how horrible I was. Not as in mean but as in horrible at relationship stuff and that was just horrible for me. The girl who recently ended things with me, I started hating her as much as my ex from before. I just felt like she got over me instantly and I don’t get how you get over someone that quickly if you love them. On the 22nd of this month though, the Monday just gone, she came round and we sat down and talked about everything. Since she ended things, all we had been doing was arguing nonstop. I’ve been wanting to talk about everything because I didn’t get to do this with my ex and if we were going to stay friends, I felt like we needed to do this. She said what she wanted to say, I vented about everything and said how I was hurt by what she had done. The lie she told **********, making promises and breaking them all and just how shitty it was of her to do what she’s done. I told her that she just reminded me of my ex and that I was finding just being friends really hard but she wasn’t anything like my ex. She didn’t interrupt me or argue with me, she didn’t have a go at me or shout at me. She didn’t even get up and walk out. She just, listened. She sat there and listened to everything I had said too. I mean, it meant and still means the world to me that she just heard me out and didn’t argue with me or call me pathetic. She even did what my ex would have never of done and said sorry and not just once but several times.

We continued to talk about everything that had happened and she told me that she does still have feelings for me and I really needed to hear that. Not so I can try to get her back but so I know that she didn’t just get over me instantly. She just explained that she does still like me but she’s in a relationship and has been for a while and she wants to try to make it work. She feels so bad for not being with me and promising to breakup with him but she wants to give it one last shot. The whole situation between us has just been really bad timing. I even said I was going to ask her out as soon as she was single and she said “I hope you do”. She cried and got upset because she had hurt me so much and it was just a very emotional day. After we finished talking she stayed over and we hung out for a couple of hours and it was really nice. We just laid down together and hugged until she had to leave.

It was the best ending I could have possible asked for and we haven’t had one argument since. As much as I feel better about the whole situation, I’m still really upset. I’m so happy that it happened the way it did but I love her so much and her being as amazing as she was on Monday just makes me miss her even more. It just sucks that she’s in a relationship because if she wasn’t, we’d be together. I totally get why she ended it with me because she’s been in that relationship for a long time and it makes sense why she doesn’t just want to throw it away. It’s been a big part of her life and I’ve never been in a relationship for that long so I’m sure it must be really tough to let it go. I just wish she could have because I know we could be amazing together. We both still have huge feelings for each other and I think that’s what’s going to make this tough. It means the world though that she came round and we sorted it all out. I’m obviously still really upset and I still really want to be with her but it ended on a nice note and I couldn’t ask for anything more. She’s nothing like my ex at all and her doing what she did Monday meant the world to me and I can’t thank her enough for it. I care about her so much, it just makes me feel really bad for how I’ve been talking about her on here and how I’ve been so angry at her and hating her. She even admitted that she hadn’t handled it well because she was so upset for having ended it. It was the best ending to what we had and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I don’t know if we will ever be together and I don’t know if I should hold onto the idea that we will be but it means a lot to me that we ended things positively.

Have any of you had a nice breakup? If you haven’t, how would you of liked your relationship to have ended? Feel free to share your stories or thoughts on my situation in the comments below. Thanks for reading :).

A message to my ex

how-to-unread-a-message-on-iphone1

I need your help. So as you know, I’ve been trying to stay friends with the girl that recently split up with me. Again, we weren’t officially together because she had and has a boyfriend but we were hooking up all the time and she promised she’d be with me and she told me she loved me so we basically were together unofficially. I want to send her this message but I feel like it makes me seem weak and pathetic. I’m holding onto the idea that one day we’ll end up together and I probably need to let go of that but I’m finding it hard. Anyway, I want people’s opinion on this message I’ve written out. Should I send or not? And if I do, what should I change about it? Your opinions and advice would really help me a lot and I’d really appreciate it. So here it is…

Okay, so here’s what I want to say. I think you’re so stupid for ending things between us. We could of made each other so happy and you made me feel the best I’ve felt in years. I felt like you needed me and that made me feel worth while and really good about myself. I know you love your boyfriend but I really think I could of made you so much happier than you are with him. We were great together and I know we weren’t actually together but it felt real for me. After how he’s treated you, I just don’t get why you threw me away. You also say you’re closing a chapter in your life and moving on but you really haven’t. Nothings changed in your life at all. All you’ve done is hurt me and got rid of me. That isn’t changing anything. I get you want to be well but if you did you’d be changing a lot more than just hurting me. I think it’s fucking unfair.

Next, you talked me into all of this. I wanted to have one night with you but you kept coming back to my room. You talked me in to being with you. You said the age difference didn’t matter. You promised we’d be together. You were the one that told me you loved me first. After everything I told you about my ex and what she did to me and how unwell it made me, I just can’t believe you went and hurt me the way you have. I trusted you and you broke every promise you made. You lied and that lie you told **********, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that. You were even talking about holidays together. You talked me into everything we had and you’re the one that ruined it.

Lastly, I’m not even sure we can be friends anymore. This is so difficult for me because I still love you. I really care about you and it’s hard being friends with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I think I’ve just been holding onto the idea that one day we’ll eventually end up together and I think I need to let go of that. This is so difficult for me and I don’t think you actually realise how tough it is. You said you found it tough but you’re the one that ended it. I am struggling so much right now with everything and I needed you. Especially with everything that’s going on with me. I’m finding it really difficult that we don’t talk everyday like we used too. I came back to this university for us. If I knew you were going to hurt me, I would of gone somewhere else.

I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or guilt trip you as you said last time. That really pissed me off you saying that but you meant a lot to me. So I’m going to find this tough. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I get you got over me within a day but I find dealing with emotions tough and letting go of you is taking me a lot longer. I really hope we can be friends but right now, it doesn’t even feel like we are. I will keep trying for you but just please understand how tough this is for me. You barely even talk to me anymore so it feels like you don’t even care about being friends even though you keep saying you do. I’m the one that always messages you and you’ve just started ignoring me. 

Okay I think I’m done. I hope I  don’t come back and say something else but my memory sucks atm so if I do I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure I’ve said what I needed to say. I’m sorry if it upsets you and I really don’t mean too but I needed to say what I’ve said. I didn’t want to say it as it makes me feel weak and pathetic but I just feel like you should know how I’m feeling atm. 

So that’s the message. Should I send it or not? Any advice anyone can give would mean the world to me. Again I know it’s pathetic but this is how I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I should send it because I did all this with my ex and it just made me things worse. Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you’re having a good day 🙂 .

Do people really know what “I love you” means?

I love you

I really don’t think it’s possible to be friends with your ex. I’m trying so hard to be friends with the girl I was recently with and I just don’t think it’s working. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Two days ago we agreed not to talk again until the start of university. That night, she asked to FaceTime me because she was crying about what she had done with me and how horrible she had felt for doing that to her boyfriend. That’s not something I wanted to hear. I listened though and FaceTimed. I managed to make her feel better and calm her down. It broke my heart hearing what she had to say but I did it anyway as I’m trying to stay friends with her like she’s wanted. Last night though, I got very drunk and because there are no buses back to where I live, I had to walk about 2 miles home. I felt really bad so I messaged her as a friend to talk and yet again, it led to a huge argument. She refused to talk to me as we agreed to no talking but obviously she’s allowed to FaceTime me when she needs to vent about how she’s treated her boyfriend. I need to talk to a friend while I walk home and nothing?! I really want to talk about how badly she’s treated me since this all began but I just don’t think I can and yet I stupidly still love her. When this all started, I was expecting it to be a one time thing but she kept coming back. The she told me she loved me. That’s a huge statement for me. My ex said it to me and when we broke up, I ended up depressed and suicidal for nearly 10 years. So when she said it to me, I didn’t say it back. I had to go away and think about it as I wasn’t sure if she meant it. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I thought about it and I eventually said it back. Those 3 words actually mean something to me. When I say “I love you”, I mean it. Out of both the people to say that to me, I don’t think either of them meant it. Either that or they don’t know what those words mean. It’s a huge thing to say! She keeps saying I need to get over her, but why would someone say that to someone if you loved them?! I know she was and is dating someone so this relationship we had was doomed from the start. I’m furious at myself for falling for those words again. I’m an idiot. I keep making myself look pathetic in front of her so I don’t think she’s even attracted to me anymore. I’m not good at managing my emotions. I’m so angry at her for what she’s done to me, how she’s treated me, lying to me, breaking my heart after what I told her my ex did to me and now she’s not even being a good friend. She even constantly says that she never lies! Ever! The one night I needed her as a friend and she wouldn’t even do that. I was there for her and she wasn’t there for me. She’s even treating me like shit as a friend. She says she doesn’t even have friends and the one person that’s trying to be there for her as a friend she’s pushing them away. Over 30 people have told me to stay away but I just keep going back for me :(. I feel so stupid and pathetic.

Anyway the point of this post was to vent about people not knowing what “I love you” means. It’s a really big deal to me. It’s an emotion that doesn’t just go away in a few weeks. It’s not something you just get over. So why do people say it? To me, it’s an emotion that lasts a really long time. I’m so scared I’m going to end up depressed for another 10 years. Has anyone ever told you they loved you? Have you ever told someone you love them? I feel like I’m the only one that understands that emotion or maybe I’m the one that’s wrong in thinking it actually means something. What are your thoughts on the word “love”? Let me know what it means to you and situations you’ve been in involving love.

What am I doing so wrong?!

What am i doing wrong

You ever have those moments in your life where you do or you think you do everything right but you still end up wrong? Someone asks you what 2+2 is and you say 4, but for some weird reason the answers 5? I mean, WTF?! Towards the end of university this year, I had an assignment to do and my lecturer sat down with me and told me what to do, what to add and takeaway. So I did everything he said and I got a 3rd. A third is equivalent to a D grade I think. Again, WTF?! How can I add everything you tell me to add and takeaway what you don’t like and still get a 3rd?! I’m writing this post because a few things like that have happened recently and have happened in the past so I thought I’d vent about them. When I say this I am dead serious, if anyone reading this has any answers to these then please tell me because I’ve obviously missed out on some key life manuals here.

This breakup thing that happened recently that I’ve been venting about to you lot, (Yes, I should shut up now) is bothering me again. A week ago, we talked and I said there are some things you said that really upset me and I’m really struggling with being friends at the moment, so I need some time away. I said this because I want to stay friends with them and I need to stop having ago at them for what happened. So I thought taking some time away was a good idea. She agreed as well, so I’ve had a week away from her with no interaction what so ever. I even made a countdown timer for 2 weeks. It’s been a week and I miss her a lot so I thought I’d message saying I still need a week away but we can talk today for a bit if you want too. She ignored me. So I messaged again “?” and her response was “I can’t talk to you yet”. Again, WTF! You ended it with me! You’re the one that wanted to stay friends originally after this ended. You’re the one that’s continuously hurt me! What am I doing wrong here? So being the push over I am I messaged back saying “I never meant to hurt you, I’ll go away for another week, I’ll always be here if you need me and I hope you’re okay”. Please someone tell me what I’m doing wrong here? Throughout this entire thing I’ve done what she’s wanted and the one time I say I need time away from her I’m wrong apparently.

I also joined an online dating website, it rhymes with Armoury (think I can say that). Yes all my friends have made fun of me so don’t worry you’re not the only ones. I filled out all the bio info, I followed all the guides on how to write a message to someone and what to write on your own page. Nothing. Hasn’t worked at all. I messaged one girl I matched with and asked her questions about things she wrote on her page. She decided to change her bio and answer all my questions there but completely ignored talking to me. I mean, that is a real kick in the head. What am I doing wrong? Am I really just that ugly? Because people tell me I’m not but I obviously must be. I’ve done everything dating websites and people have suggested to me about dating online and still, nothing has worked. People don’t even say “hi” back. They just ignore me.

Trying to be healthy is wrong because I just end up diabetic somehow, trying to be nice in relationships is wrong because they just end up leaving me, doing university work the correct way is wrong because I just end up with a D. What am I doing so wrong? Has life just got it out for me or something? Was I just a mistake and now the world is doing everything it can to make me miserable and make me kill myself? I wish I could show you a picture of myself and then you could tel me if I’m ugly or not but then that would ruin the whole staying anonymous part. If someone has any advice for me that would be great because I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong. No one is telling me. I need the life manual because I feel like I’m the only person that didn’t get one. I feel like such a shit person :(. As always feel free to vent about what’s going on in your lives or please, out of all the posts I’ve made this would be the one where I need advice so if you have any then please let me know. I hope your weeks are starting better than mine. Thanks again x