Update

UPDATE IMAGE

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and a lot has happened since Christmas. I don’t feel really depressed or suicidal right now which is what I’ve been using this blog for, but I felt like I should post an update of what’s been going on and to show I’m still alive.

So firstly, I’ve not killed myself! Which I’m pretty shocked by because I’ve been in such a low place since August and up until now, it had just been getting  worse and worse. So I’m not happy about being alive but I’m happy I’ve managed to not kill myself and have kept fighting.

I’m no longer living with my aunt! Basically me and my aunt  fell out and she realised it would be best if I went back to my mums so she spoke to my mum and I’m now back at hers. My Dad also said he’d speak to my mum about me going back to hers but I don’t think he ever did. When I arrived back at my mums and my aunt left, my Dad immediately showed up  and sat down with me and my mum and had a talk with me about how I should behave and what I’m going to do while I’m staying at my mums. I’m still pretty fucked off with my Dad as I begged to live with him and said I was feeling suicidal and his response was I was blackmailing him. I’m not going to forgive him for that and I’m not forgiving my mum either for not letting me live with her either. However since I’ve been back at my mums, things have been going pretty well and we’ve only had one or two arguments. I’m really trying to work on my patience and overall aggression as  my ex pointed out I get very angry and scary sometimes so trying to work on that is part of my getting well plan.

My ex and me agreed that we would no longer do this 6 month no talking phase. She basically said she’s scared that I’m going to tell her family and her boyfriend that we were together and she’s a cheat. I’ve told her I would never do that but she still doesn’t trust me so my argument is we need to keep talking so you can learn to trust me again. Nothing romantically is happening between us and we were okay until a week. We were talking fine and then it went quiet for a week so I messaged the other day and asked if she was alright and she said yes she just wants to be left alone. I asked if I had done anything and she just got kinda shitty and annoyed by me asking. She says I haven’t but she just wants me to leave her alone. So again, I feel like shit and she just continues to treat me like crap and I’m just done with it now. So I’m not going to talk to her until she messages me.

I’m working on my health issues! I’ve joined mind (Mental health services) in my area, I’m seeing the diabetic team and they’re getting me a new sugar meter that has an alarm for when my sugar goes to high or low. Still nothing on the brain damage though but I’m starting to just give up on that. I haven’t found or been accepted for any part-time jobs I’m looking for but I’m still going to keep trying. I’m started seeing a counsellor which my Dad said he’d pay fora few sessions but I don’t know if he’ll keep paying :/. I’m obviously going to pay for it when I get a job but if he could help me out, it would mean a lot. I’ve also seen some specialist hair people about  losing my hair and that’s made me feel slightly better because of what they said.  I’ve gone unconscious three times recently and had paramedics revive me but other than that, I’m working on getting well so I can carry on at university.

I’m sure I’ve missed out some key bits of information but I think I’ve mentioned all the key issues. The situation with my ex is really upsetting me and I’m starting to think I just need to stop messaging her all together and move on with my life. That’s something I’m going to need to think about and talk to my counsellor about. Overall, things are getting better. Now that’s not really saying a lot as I’m in a horrible place right now physically and mentally but it’s so much better than what it was at my aunts. Anyway, I hope you’re all okay and thanks for reading. I’ll try to make another post soon :).

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Clingy and Dizzy

Clingy

Last night I was talking to the girl who recently ended things between us. Actually as I talk about her a lot, I’m going to just give her a fake name to save me always typing the girl who ended things with me. I’ll call her Day, So last night I was talking to Day and she said I was being extra clingy. What the fuck?

I’ve been talking to her a lot recently as I’ve been really struggling and feeling really down because of my Aunt. Anyway I basically upset her with something I said and I started to panic because I hate upsetting her. If you know me I hate upsetting people in general but as I said, I started to panic and I messaged her a few times saying sorry and I didn’t mean what I said. She replied saying “You’re acting super weird…are you okay?” I responded with “Why do you say that? I said sorry.”. She then responded with “Like extra clingy and upset”. 1.) I didn’t realise I didn’t think I was being extra clingy and by saying extra, it makes it seem like I’ve already been clingy for a while now and I don’t think I have at all. It’s really upset and it’s upset me even more because she hasn’t messaged me today at all and she normally messages me everyday. So now I’m really upset that she’s going to end things because things between us started up again.I can’t remember if I told you guys so if I haven’t, now you’re up to date. If she doesn’t end things, then I’m not sure how to act around her anymore because if I’m being clingy, should I back off? Because if I back off she’ll have ago at me for not opening up or talking to her and she’ll end things. If I keep acting normal then she’ll end things if she hasn’t already, for continuing to be clingy. Again, I don’t think I am being clingy but apparently I am and that’s really fucked me off. I really hope she hasn’t ended things because I don’t think I could handle anymore shit happening to me. I’m seriously considering committing suicide as it is already because of what’s gong on with my aunt and life in general. I prayed to god today please can she message me and if she messages me, that means she won’t end things but if she doesn’t, that means she will. She still hasn’t messaged me and we’re not at 17.57 so I’m getting super scared :(. Should I message her or should I just wait? If she messages, we’re just going to get into an argument because I’m super pissed off with her calling me extra clingy. If you all have any advice please let me know.

Dizzy

Another problem I’m having is my head is being really weird at the moment. I’m constantly dizzy and I don’t know whats going on. It’s spinning and I can’t think straight and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. It’s like I have a million multiple choice questions in front of me but before I get to answer they’re gone in seconds. It’s like if you put everything in your room into a pool a giant pool of glue and it starts spinning really fast and you’ve got to try to grab something. It’s horrible. I don’t know what I should do. I might go to my GP if it doesn’t get any better after a week. Is it stress or is something else wrong?

So at the moment, things are pretty shit and the whole point of dropping out of university for a year was to get well but I’m getting worse not better. My family has pretty much disowned me and my aunt just constantly bullies me. The girl I love apparently thinks I’m clingy and is now not talking to me and I’m getting more and more ill. I hate living with my aunt, I miss being at university and I just want to die. I miss my friends and I’m just hating myself right now. I’m happy I have WordPress though because it just makes me feel better venting to people and people listening to me. If anyone has any advice for me it would mean a lot. Hope you’re having a better day than me :).

 

Blowing off steam!

punchbag

So yesterday I was thinking about making a post to do with the mind and thoughts you have but I just had an argument with my unofficial ex and I’m fucking livid! I’m sure everyone is sick of me venting about this but I made this blog so I could blow off steam and not do anything stupid to myself. If you have an ex or you’re just mad and you want to feel mad along with me then this is the post for you.

Me and my ex planned to meet tomorrow morning last week to vent and clear the air. I wanted to do this just under a month ago but nope, she was busy or gave some other shit reason why she couldn’t do it and now here we are. I messaged today to see if she was still coming by tomorrow. She said yes but she had the flu and that right there was the start of all this. I thought she was just going to cancel so I said “If you’re not well you don’t have too”. She said she wasn’t cancelling but then good old me said “I thought you were gonna cancel”. This started between 1-2 hours of arguing between us. That one comment that I couldn’t keep in my head. Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but just didn’t because you knew it would cause an argument? Could have been to anyone. Well she’s cancelled so many times that I just had to say something and the only reason I said it was because I didn’t think she’d get upset by it! I thought I can put how I feel in a delicate way without upsetting her. How was that even close to delicate? Moron. She then continued to have a go at me for not talking to her this weekend and then moments later she says she’s always busy! If you’re always busy, how the fuck am I meant to talk to you?! Agh! We then argued about how long she was going to stay until and because we’d been arguing for a while, I thought I’d ask if she was still coming by. She then called me a drama queen because I keep getting mad at her. So I put “No…I’m fucking mad that you ended things between us and you continue to treat me like shit!”. This led to us pausing the argument until now.

She messages me back a few hours later saying she’s a “little mad”. She says it’s because of me saying I’m mad at her and that she’s done nothing to me since she’s been back at university. I said let’s talk about it tomorrow when we meet up and but she said she wanted to talk about it now. She said “I feel hurt and mad” so I put “Well that’s how I’ve been feeling since you ended it”. Her response, “Stop fucking guilt tripping me for ending things man. That’s not fair.That was over like two months ago.”. This is where I decided to come on here and vent instead of doing something stupid. I just lost my cool. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to get over this but it meant something to me and she’s fucking telling me I should be over it by now?! I’m finding being her friend really tough and she is making no effort at all in this and yet she’s the one that wanted to stay friends! I think it upset me so much because I’ve been holding onto the idea that we will end up together again and her saying that just proved to me it’s never going to happen. I’ve finally come to the realisation in my head that we’re officially finished. I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to her tomorrow for the last week and every time I do, I call her by my ex’s name. I hate her so much now, my ex’s name just comes up in my head when I think of what I’m going to say to her. That is so sad…

Thanks for reading if you did 🙂 . Apologies for the grammar and the terrible writing. I’m going to blame it on my anger and my sleepiness. I’m seeing her in less than 8 hours so if anyone has any advice that would be awesome or if you’ve had a moment where you’ve wanted to say something but didn’t, feel free to type it out here. 🙂