My Birthday

sad-birthday-cake

Hello,

Today, is my birthday. I feel really horrible today due to my Aunt. She’s a bully and is horrible to me everyday. She has ago at me for staying in my room, she had ago at me today for calling up the doctors to ask about having some medication sent to the pharmacy, she had ago at me for turning up the shower heat and had ago at me for not being outside for very long. This is what she’s like everyday and I should probably vent about it on here more as it’s just making me feel suicidal. I would list what she’s done since I moved in but I just wanted to list what she’s done today because, it’s my birthday. I thought on today she would be less of a bitch but no. She’s just carried on bullying me as she always does and normally I’d stand up for myself but I don’t as I’m scared she’ll throw me on the street and I’ll have nowhere to live.

I wanted to make a post on my birthday today as ever since my 18th birthday, my birthday has always sucked. It’s probably because on my 18th my ex broke up with me and ever since then I’ve suffered with depression so I just think of my birthday as a memory of my break up and the start of my depression. This birthday has sucked for a number of reasons and here’s the list:

1.) None of my family except my dad sent me a birthday present or card. My aunt and her son got me one but it’s a mug that says “His Lordship”. Now I’m sure I’m probably over thinking it and I’m sure anyone else would appreciate it but I swear it’s just my aunt taking a shot at me as she’s a bitch. Making out I’m some sort of snob or whatever. It’s just meant to be an insult of some sort.

2.) The other day I sent a message to my dad saying I hate living here and she’s making me feel suicidal. It’s horrible and it’s making me more unwell and ill and please, please can I come live with you. His response, I’m blackmailing him. Now normally when someone tells you they’re feeling suicidal, it’s probably not the best thing to insult them. I wasn’t blackmailing him in any way, I was just making him aware because last time I tried to take my own life, he got annoyed because I didn’t tell him. He says he want’s to talk about it when I go down and see him for Christmas but I have nothing more to say to be honest. I told him how I’m feeling and he insulted me, so I don’t really think there’s anything more to be said.

3.) I’m not sure if I said this in my previous post but I begged my mum if I could come live with her instead of living with her sister and her response was no. I bring a violent and aggressive nature to the household. I didn’t help over the summer and I’m a horrible human being. Firstly, I washed and wiped up on a regular basis and although it might not have been everyone’s plates or items, I consistently cleaned mine. Secondly, I went on many dog walks and walked Willow (Dogs name) on a regular basis. She also said I spent all my time in my room and my aunt has ago at me constantly for doing that at her house too. So to my mum and aunt. I stay in my room as I feel comfortable there. I feel safe and I’m able to have fun, get work done, relax and enjoy myself. When I’m around my mum and sisters they will just argue with me and I’m not sitting around my aunt to hear her have ago at me constantly and be consistently racist.

4.) Me and the girl I broke up with are now getting on really well. It’s amazing and I’m having so much fun talking to her and we’re really good friends now. I was meant to see her today and travel down to university but she cancelled. She cancelled because she’s very unwell and I totally understand that because she is really unwell but it would have been nice to get away from my aunt and have a nice happy day with someone I genuinely love. Instead, I’ve had to listen to my aunt treat me like shit and insult me while I sit at home doing nothing.

So those are the reasons why yet again, my birthday has sucked. All I want to do, is overdose on insulin. That’s all I want to do right now. I’d be able to escape and I wouldn’t be happy because I believe when you die, it’s just like sleeping without any dreams or nightmares. It’s just nothing. Sure I’d love there to be a heaven and if there is and I make it there, I am seriously going to go off at god for giving me such a shit life. I mean, dick haha. Sorry to anyone religious. Apparently last year my flat mates were lovely and made me a cake and decorated the flat but because of what happened in January with my coma, I can’t remember. Obviously I wouldn’t remember the one nice birthday I had. Anyway I’m just really unhappy today and I’d just for once, want to have a happy birthday. Here’s hoping if I live until next year, I’ll have one n 2019. If anyone has any advice on dealing with depression on your birthday or just having a shit birthday in general, please comment and make me feel better haha. I hope you’re all having a good and if it’s your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Feeling suicidal :(

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My day today, started out really well but I just woke up from a nap feeling suicidal. I woke up and my blood sugar was low so maybe that’s why but I don’t know. I just feel really isolated, I’m beating myself up (mentally) and I just feel suicidal.

My day started out with me going to my tutorial I had with my lecturer and talking about my dissertation. He asked how my summer was and how I was and I mentioned my break up this summer and he didn’t really give a response but it just felt good telling someone or venting about it. We talked about what work I needed to do and arranged to see each other again in 2 weeks time. I felt really good about our talk and what I needed to do so I left feeling really positive and being happy it was a good start to the day.

I then went shopping to buy some food and meals for myself as I didn’t have any food back at the flat. This is when my day started to go down hill. I got some food and I normally get a hot food snack but they didn’t have any this time and I wasn’t that bothered about it. I went to the self checkout and this is when I got really angry. I always get annoyed so easily in life but I was scanning my food and there just kept being problems with my checkout. There was loads of people using the self checkouts and there was one member of staff helping everyone. I thought that was so stupid as it was so busy and you leave one person to deal with everyone on their own. What really annoyed me is every time my till had a problem she’d walk straight past me and go to someone else. I get it’s busy but if you’re standing right next to me, why the hell are you ignoring me?! I’d wait for 10 minutes every time I had a problem so it took me like 40 minutes to get out the shop! It just really pissed me off and put me in a bad mood.

I then got home and decided to play on my Xbox to blow off steam but I recently bought a game and it’s just really pissing me off. There’s been a series of these games and they’ve changed the recent one so much that I’m just not very good at it. So that’s not making me happy at all and it’s just making me feel worse. I then again, got annoyed and got into a small argument with the girl who ended things between us as she just keeps pissing me off. I think I’m over her now though but I’m actually starting to hate her. I then found out yesterday that one of the girls I was living with last year has deleted me off Facebook. The girl I was dating is living with someone else I was friends with and I mentioned before in a previous post that girl now hates me and apparently bitches about me with the girl who deleted me off Facebook. I feel like after his breakup thing that I’m some how the bad guy or the villain in all of this. I’ve done nothing wrong and yet I’m the one being hated on and being punished.

So towards the end of the day I had a nap and woke up feeling suicidal and wanting to die. I’m just really unhappy at the moment and I don’t want to be here. I’m fed up with life being so difficult and constantly getting knocked down. I just feel like God is constantly beating me up and punishing me and I don’t get why. What have I done to deserve all of this?   That date on Saturday, I just knew it would go badly and it wouldn’t work and it didn’t. I think I just like to blame everything on God because I just don’t have an answer about why all this bad stuff keeps happening to me.

This blog helps me so much as it just allows me to vent how I’m feeling without anyone judging me or hurting my feelings. Thanks for reading and I hope you’re having a better day 🙂