I’ve become really ill

ill

The other night at 1.00am, I woke up on my bedroom floor covered in blood. I had somehow fallen out of bed and knocked my head against something. I went to the bathroom and my face was covered in blood. I don’t know what happened at all. I went to bed at around 20.00/21.00 and my blood sugar was completely fine. I woke up disoriented and with my head spinning wondering what the hell had happened. I messaged my housemates in our group chat and one of them walked me to A&E where I stayed until 10.00am. I came discharged myself as I had a meeting at university but when I got home, I collapsed on the floor and stated having a panic attack. After being told so many times I need to focus on my health, I finally realised that maybe I need to take study leave and drop out of university until next September. However, I was not expecting the response I received from my family.

After I came home from A&E and collapsing on the floor, I called university housing, my tutor and well-being at the university and explained what had happened. Housing came round and gave me new bedding as I had ruined mine and they took me back to A&E. I saw my tutor later on in the week and I spoke to both my Mum and Dad. I told my Dad I was unwell and would I be able to come and stay with him for a year while I sort out my health. He said no because his housemate wouldn’t allow it due to they live in a two bedroom apartment and there wouldn’t be enough room. I didn’t and I don’t really want to go back to my mum’s as we don’t get along and I don’t get along with my sisters either. After my Dad said no though, I called him up again today explaining how unwell I was and if he could convince mum to let me go to hers as she also sad no.  In my head I’ve now realised how unwell I am and how much help I need and this is what my Dad said. “No”.WHAT?! No?! He went on saying I’ll come home to my mum’s and just sit on the Xbox all day and do nothing. I won’t help out around the house. I’ll get up at 13.00 and not take care of myself. He said he’d rather I stay at university and fail my degree. The man who has told me all along that I need to put my health first is now saying no when I’ve finally realised I need help. I mean, how fucking dare he! The only reason I’m at university is because I put in the effort and hard work to get my health right so I could get a degree. Yes, I agree that I have done what he said I would do in the past but that’s when I was attempting to kill myself everyday. I actually know what I need to do and I told him on the phone I would and he’s said no. He said I’d have to convince my mum on my own that I would do housework, help out, sort my health out, sleep on the floor downstairs as there aren’t enough rooms in the house and fix things with my sister as we’re not talking anymore. So, I called up my mum.

The first thing my mum said was that my Aunt said I could down and stay with her anytime. So i asked is that for the whole year? To which my mum responded I don’t know I’ll have to ask. I then basically begged and said please can I come back as I’m really unwell and I told her what dad and said about her saying I don’t help out or do anything. She said he was lying but I doubt that. She then said yes I could but kept repeating and making sure I wasn’t staying with her for Christmas and that I was gong to my Dads. I’ve become really unwell and I’m now in week 9 of my third year at university and I’ve still done no work as I feel so shit and I’m not functioning at all. Both my parents in the past have told me to focus on my health and now that I’ve acknowledged this and asked for help, they’ve both told me to fuck off basically. My Dad doesn’t think I’ll bother to get well and has put his housemate before his own son and my Mum has doesn’t think I’ll help out and has said there’s not enough room in the house for all three of us (my sisters). So,my older sister is 5 years older than me and still living at home and my younger sister is at university in her final year. Both are very well and healthy and you’re putting them first over me?! Thanks.

I am so fucking mad, hurt and upset right now at both my parents. I’m really unwell and they’ve both told me to fuck off basically and picked other people over me? A* parents right there. The fact my Dad even said you’ll just have to fail your degree then really fucks me off. It’s like, “DAD, if I fail my degree, I won’t be able to get a very good job and I’ll have no money and be in debt. Which means I’ll actually be begging you and mum to let me stay and one of yours while I end up getting a rubbish job and becoming even more depressed for failing my degree and who know’s how long I’ll need to live at home because of this. You’d rather that then letting me come back for a year to sort myself out so I can eventually graduate with an okay grade and get my own job and my own place to live? Good job at thinking ahead. So it looks like I’m stuck at university for my last year. I’m literally going to fail my degree and when that happens, I’m going to kill myself. I have no money either at the moment so even if god actually does let me pass, I’ll have nowhere to live as I don’t have any money to get a flat. I don’t have any family members that will let me live with them so I’m fucked all around.

Right now, my thoughts are to go and buy a hotel room for the a night and overdose on insulin. I don’t want to fail my degree but I’m 9 weeks behind on work and I have my dissertation to complete as well that I’m also 9 weeks behind on and I’ve written nothing for it. I’m on 0 words out of 10,000. I’ve done no reading either. I’ve literally failed my degree already unless I can take a year out. I want to die. I don’t have any family members who want to help me and I don’t have any friends at university as they’ve all graduated last year. I’ve got no one. I’m alone and scared and I don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would mean the world to me. Thanks for reading.

 

First dates

Romantic-date-ideas

Tomorrow evening, I’m going on a date and I’m pretty terrified. I don’t know what I’m going to wear, I’ve had my hair cut three times to try to make it look okay, it’s in a place I’ve never been to and…I’m not looking forward to it. After this recent breakup I thought this is what I needed but I’m just feeling negative about it.

I’ve only ever been on one date in my entire life and it went…badly. It was awful. Basically I met someone on a dating website and we decided to meet up for drinks. I decided to look the best I could and went to go meet her. She turned and looked at me like I was the worst looking person in the world. I mean, we met on a dating site and I put photo’s of myself on there so she knew what I looked like. She stayed for about 20 minutes before leaving me on my own. She made no effort to talk and replied to every question I asked with one word answers. This was at a time I was feeling suicidal and trying to get my life back on track as well. So overall, my experience with dating is pretty bad. The girl I’m seeing tomorrow, I also met online and she is so nice. She makes me smile so much and she asked me out! Yes! I know, unbelievable. I keep reading back the messages myself to make sure she actually did but yeah she asked me out. She’s so nice and we’ve gotten on so well but I’m just not looking forward to tomorrow. I’m having problems with one of my housemates, there’s still drama going on from last years flat which includes the girl I was seeing and I just don’t know if I can deal with this. I’m expecting to turn up, she’ll see me and then 30 minutes later I’ll be on my own. I have no idea what I’m even meant to wear. I don’t want to wear a shirt as I’ll have to put a jumper on over it and I get far to hot just wearing a t-shirt let alone a shirt and jumper. Plus, what if she does turn away or she doesn’t talk to me? I’m just going to feel even more suicidal than I already do and I doubt I’ll come on here if things don’t go well. I’ll probably just do something stupid and end up hurting myself or worse. I’m so nervous and anxious and it doesn’t help when I’m living with someone who is a complete dick bag who makes me upset and anxious all the time. I really want to go on this date but I just don’t feel like I’m ready.

I didn’t want to write about my date tomorrow but I hadn’t posted anything in a while and everything else on my mind is just a mess so I thought I should at least write something. I haven’t told anyone about my date as I didn’t want to jinx it but I’ve now told you guys so if it all goes wrong, it’s my fault for telling you all. There’s a lot of other things I want to vent about but as I said, my mind is a mess right now and I can’t put those thoughts into words. Any help you can provide me on dating would mean the world to me. Whether it’s on what to talk about, what to wear, what time to arrive or just how to not fuck it up would be much appreciated. I’ll probably post again tomorrow telling you how badly it went. Hope you’re all having a good day 🙂

Starting 4th year at University…

Dog studying

I’m now back at University and will be going to my classes next week. I thought I’d be happy to be back as I don’t really get along with my family but I’m not. I feel out-of-place, isolated. I feel lonely, like I’m not meant to be here. I’m living in halls again and my housemates don’ seem to like me. I’m 26 now and I already started university late at age 23 so I feel even more out-of-place than I did then. They’re all 18 so I don’t think they’d want to hang out with someone 8 years older than them anyway. The university has changed as well and they have new buildings and facilities and all my friends have graduated. I only really know a few people and the only one I talk to is the girl who ended are non-official relationship and it’s just really difficult being around her. I feel lost.

I met my housemates on Sunday and they just didn’t seem interested in talking to me. I already started talking to three of them on a group chat before I got here but when I arrived they didn’t seem to care. I arrived the same time as another guy and he just seems to hate me for some reason or another. Five of us went to an SU party on Sunday and two of them didn’t get in as they didn’t buy tickets. One of them was the guy who seems to hate me. He got in eventually and I saw him and grabbed him and said “Hey, you okay?” He just said “Yeah” and walked off. He doesn’t even talk to me in the flat or acknowledges me. I don’t even know the guy. Why are you being a dick? I hate when people are like that. He gets along with everyone else but hates me for some reason. Two girls I met on the group chat seem okay. One picked my shirt for the SU party so that was cool but they both don’t really talk to me either. We were at the party together and I lost them so I messaged where are you and they ignored it. I found them in the end but I just don’t get why they ignored it? I haven’t done anything to them, I just don’t get it. Walking back from the party though I spoke to one of them and she was really nice. We talked about being friends with people you break up with and that was really helpful as I’m currently trying to do that and she says it’s tough too. She was like “You’ve seen them naked so now it’s like awkward” which I thought was funny haha. One guy seems really nice and we both like Star Wars so that’s cool but again, I haven’t really spoken to him. I just met the other girl in the chat today and the last person is a girl in her 2nd year who again, doesn’t really seem to like me. So it hasn’t been a great start. I also saw the girl who ended things between us yesterday and that was difficult. We started hugging and lying next to each other and I thought something might have happened but she left because she was going to see a friend. Then 1 minute after she left she messaged saying a guy was hitting on her. Why would I want to hear that?!

So I feel so out-of-place, lonely, lost and miserable. I wish I had just gone to a new university and started afresh. That self-harming injury I caused is also worrying me. My cheek is still really swollen and I woke up with my ears covered in blood. Don’t know why smashing my cheekbone would have caused that but I’m a bit worried about that now as well. Now that I’m back I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t even like the room I’m in. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel ready for any of this. Any advice would mean a lot or if you just want to vent about what’s going on with you then feel free. I hope you’re having a better week than me 😦