Dear God…

Dear God

Hi everyone šŸ™‚ It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and I’ve recently been talking to God lately, or myself whether you believe in him or not. Basically I’ve just been talking to him out loud with no one around and not in a positive way. So if you believe in God, this won’t be the post for you to read and I really recommend you skip this one if you do believe in God because it will get intense. I don’t know if I really believe in God and I don’t go to church or anything like that. But I’ve struggled in my life a lot and it’s just good to talk out loud thinking someone is listening. Obviously there are many, many people around the world that are in far worse situations than me but my life I think, has still been very difficult. I’ve made this post because I wanted to just vent in a sort of letter to God rather than just talking out loud. So, here is my letter and as I said at the beginning, it will not be a nice letter. So,Ā  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Dear God,

What the fuck is your problem with me?! You have treated me like absolute shit my whole life and for what reason?! You’ve never told me what I’ve done to you or what I’ve done that makes me such a horrible person that I need to be punished all the fucking time. I think I’ve been a pretty decent, good and kind person throughout my life. I’ve never killed anyone or committed a serious crime. I treat people with respect and I even thank you when you do kind things for me. Which, is very fucking rare! And when you do kind things for me, you then later punish me and take the nice things you’ve done away from me. E.g, previous relationships. Let me go through some of the fucking horrible things you’ve done to me throughout my life.

At the age of two or three, you gave me pneumonia. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at that fucking age to deserve that?! Don’t worry dick bag, I’ll let that one pass as I don’t remember it. At the age of five, my Dad left and my Mum and Dad split. Leaving me with no male role model growing up and having to learn everything a man needs to know on my own. I haven’t even learnt how to shave and I just use a fucking electric one because my Dad wasn’t around to teach me that life lesson. Nice that everyone else had their fucking Dad growing up and got to learn everything they needed to know. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at the age of five to deserve that punishment. Let me have a guess. Nothing? Seems like it.

Moments during primary school and a lot during secondary school, 6th form and college, I was bullied. What. The. Fuck?! I must have deserved that for being nice to everyone. You gave me lots of friends and I wasn’t bullied all the time but quite a lot. So thanks for that twat. Lets put some icing on the cake here shall we. At age 14, you gave me type 1 diabetes. What. The. Fuck?! I’m blaming this all on you because no one in my family has that condition. No one! I took care of my body and played sport all the fucking time! Pretty much non stop. I ate healthily and took care of my body. I still haven’t been given a fucking answer about why I got it! I’ve asked so many people and mentioned it so many times and no one can give me an answer. Fucking dick! So that’s all on you twat. Next, the most horrible and painful thing you’ve done to me. You gave me my first relationship and made it end horribly. You even did the unthinkable during that relationship (I’m not going to mention it as I hate thinking about it and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me). She treated me like shit and broke my heart. Leaving me with serve depression for almost 10 fucking years. Cunt! I treated her so well and was almost the perfect boyfriend. What. The. Fuck?! However, she broke up with me twice and the first time I went up the lane where I live and I sat on a gate that leads into another filed. I cried for such a long time and I prayed to you to please give her back to me and let us be in a relationship again. You gave her back to me and then on my 18th birthday, got her to finally dump me for the last time. FUCKING DICK! She then went off and fucked so many different guys and obviously I head about all of them. Not a couple of months after dumping me, but with a day or two. Fucking whore! You’ve left me single for 10 years now and I am unable to get a girlfriend. Not for lack of trying but just because you’re a dick.

Next, making me go bald. What. The. Fuck?! Why?! Why the fuck are you punishing me with that at the age of fucking 27?! Such a cunt! You didn’t even get my Dad or other family members to tell me that other members in my family went bald because if you had, I would have saved up money over the years so I could get a transplant! But no, of course you wouldn’t do that for me. That would be far to nice of you. If I had saved money, I would have more than enough to afford a transplant. But now, I have practically Ā£0 in my bank account. Thanks dick head! Moving on, I’ve been on two dates in my life (pathetic I know) and both went horribly. What. The. Fuck?! Why? People tell me I’m attractive although I don’t believe them so what’s the fucking problem? And now, the final thing that comes to mind is my most recent relationship. When I woke up from my coma, I felt the best I’ve felt in absolute years! I felt amazing! And then, I started hooking up with an amazing girl who eventually told me she loved me and would leave her boyfriend for me. But oh no, that was far to fucking nice of you to do that to me. So you made her pick her boyfriend over me, dump me and now she’s no longer talking to me because she needs to work on her health and wants me to work on mine. What. The. Fuck?! The first thing close to a relationship I’ve had in almost 10 years and you take it away from me. Why? What was the fucking reason for that? Was it because I’m failing at university? Which is another fucking thing I’m blaming you for! First year, I got a first for my work but of course God, first year grades don’t count so no marks from that towards my overall grade. You then had my fucking house mates both first year and second year treat me like shit. What. The. Fuck?! Why? What the fuck did I do to them? I’ll tell what I did! Fuck all you twat!

All I have to say to you is, you deserve to be in fucking hell for the way you’ve treated me throughout my life. The things I’ve listed are only some of the things that instantly come to mind! I’m sure you’ve done some other fucking horrible things throughout my life. I’m sure at the end of uni I’ll graduate with a third rather than a first which is what I should have gotten! Why don’t you just keep adding to the fucking pile of horrible things you can do to me. You are an absolute fucking piece of shit and from now on, I am going to insult you and swear at you every time you do something horrible to me and don’t you worry, I’ll say amen at the end. I’m going to kill myself at 30 unless you fucking start treating me well. I may even move up that date as you’re making me lose hair at a billion miles an hour like the fucking cunt you are. You won’t even give me a fucking explanation of why you’re treating me life this. You won’t even tell me what to do to apologise and make things right. I’ve been nice to you throughout my life and always thanked you for the few things you’ve done for me that have been nice but like I said, you’ve then always punished me and taken them away from me. JUST FUCKING TREAT ME RIGHT! FUCKING TREAT ME NICELY! I’m going to treat you like shit and insult you all the time until you change the way you treat me as you don’t fucking deserve anything nice until you treat me well.

Right now, all I’m asking for and have been asking for is a girlfriend and to win the lottery or get enough money to afford a hair transplant. Just stop being a fucking dick!

Okay, I think I’m done. I’m so sorry to everyone reading this for it being such a long post and for upsetting anyone but I needed to say that and to vent which is what this blog is for. So I’m sorry for upsetting anyone. Feel free to leave a comment or ask anything. I hope you’re all well and having a good day. Thanks for reading :).

Life of Pi – Saying goodbye

 

life of pi

Recently, the Life of Pi movie came into my head. I have the book but I’ve just not got round to reading it yet. I’ve seen the movie though and it’s now one of my favourite movies of all time! I only saw it because I wanted something in the background while I tried to complete some university work but I ended up being caught off guard by how amazing it was. It has to be one of the most captivating stories told and I highly recommend seeing the film.

I bring the movie up because recently, me and the girl who ended things between us recently said she didn’t want to talk anymore. Basically, she’s become very unwell mentally and she’s had to drop out of university. She’s decided or the people who are treating her mental health decided, that using her phone is bringing down her mood and making her more unwell. So for the next 6 months/ year +, she won’t be using her phone anymore.  We recently said goodbye to each other on Facetime  , as she doesn’t know when she’ll speak to me again. She’s not getting rid of her phone completely which kind of made me think she just doesn’t want to speak to me anymore but she got annoyed by that so I was and am probably over thinking it. Anyway, not being able to talk to her anymore and having to say goodbye, made me think of the “Life of Pi” ending. I’m not sure if it’s the same as the book and I do plan on reading the book, but   it’s a beautiful ending to the movie and I feel like it relates or I can relate to it. If you haven’t seen it, spoilers coming up but I’ve put a link to the two videos for the ending below. I do recommend watching the movie though before you watch the ending clips as I feel like it won’t be as moving without seeing the whole film.

“I suppose in the end the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most, is not taking a moment to say goodbye”. This line resonates with me so much. With my first ever girlfriend, the one who hurt me so badly and who has been a huge part of me being so mentally unwell for a long time, we didn’t end on good times. Therefore, there was never a proper goodbye or any sort of goodbye. I never got any answers of why she ended things or what I did wrong. She just left me. She was horrible about me and to me. When Richard Parker in the movie leaves, it’s absolutely heartbreaking. “At the edge of the jungle, he stopped. I was certain he was going to look back at me. Flatten his ears to his head, growl. That he would bring our relationship to an end in someway… But he just stared ahead, into the jungle. And then Richard Parker my fierce companion, the terrible one who kept me alive…disappeared, forever from my life”.

Every time I watch that scene, I start crying. It doesn’t matter if I watch it once or twenty times in a row, I will always cry at it. The scene is so beautifully crafted and the acting is fantastic but like I said, it’s one of my favourite movie endings because I can relate to it. Goodbyes are really important or at least they are to me. When you get up and leave someone or you hang up the phone, you always say goodbye. It’s a nice resolution and a stamp on things ending. I never had that in my first relationship and that has always bothered me. With my most recent situation, we said goodbye to each other but it just didn’t feel right. I feel like more should have been said, that she should have given me more answers to questions I had or at least given me longer to say goodbye. But the phone conversation was about 15 minutes, I got no answers to questions I had and I have no idea when or if I’ll ever speak to her or see her again. It’s really upsetting

Anyway, I wanted to share the movie with you and how I relate to it because that goodbye I had happened pretty recently and I just wanted to talk about it. Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone? Have you not got the answers or the perfect goodbye or ending you wanted? Have you had to say goodbye when you didn’t want too and how did you handle it? Leave a comment and let me know. I hope you enjoyed the read šŸ™‚

Update

UPDATE IMAGE

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and a lot has happened since Christmas. I don’t feel really depressed or suicidal right now which is what I’ve been using this blog for, but I felt like I should post an update of what’s been going on and to show I’m still alive.

So firstly, I’ve not killed myself! Which I’m pretty shocked by because I’ve been in such a low place since August and up until now, it had just been gettingĀ  worse and worse. So I’m not happy about being alive but I’m happy I’ve managed to not kill myself and have kept fighting.

I’m no longer living with my aunt! Basically me and my auntĀ  fell out and she realised it would be best if I went back to my mums so she spoke to my mum and I’m now back at hers. My Dad also said he’d speak to my mum about me going back to hers but I don’t think he ever did. When I arrived back at my mums and my aunt left, my Dad immediately showed upĀ  and sat down with me and my mum and had a talk with me about how I should behave and what I’m going to do while I’m staying at my mums. I’m still pretty fucked off with my Dad as I begged to live with him and said I was feeling suicidal and his response was I was blackmailing him. I’m not going to forgive him for that and I’m not forgiving my mum either for not letting me live with her either. However since I’ve been back at my mums, things have been going pretty well and we’ve only had one or two arguments. I’m really trying to work on my patience and overall aggression asĀ  my ex pointed out I get very angry and scary sometimes so trying to work on that is part of my getting well plan.

My ex and me agreed that we would no longer do this 6 month no talking phase. She basically said she’s scared that I’m going to tell her family and her boyfriend that we were together and she’s a cheat. I’ve told her I would never do that but she still doesn’t trust me so my argument is we need to keep talking so you can learn to trust me again. Nothing romantically is happening between us and we were okay until a week. We were talking fine and then it went quiet for a week so I messaged the other day and asked if she was alright and she said yes she just wants to be left alone. I asked if I had done anything and she just got kinda shitty and annoyed by me asking. She says I haven’t but she just wants me to leave her alone. So again, I feel like shit and she just continues to treat me like crap and I’m just done with it now. So I’m not going to talk to her until she messages me.

I’m working on my health issues! I’ve joined mind (Mental health services) in my area, I’m seeing the diabetic team and they’re getting me a new sugar meter that has an alarm for when my sugar goes to high or low. Still nothing on the brain damage though but I’m starting to just give up on that. I haven’t found or been accepted for any part-time jobs I’m looking for but I’m still going to keep trying. I’m started seeing a counsellor which my Dad said he’d pay fora few sessions but I don’t know if he’ll keep paying :/. I’m obviously going to pay for it when I get a job but if he could help me out, it would mean a lot. I’ve also seen some specialist hair people aboutĀ  losing my hair and that’s made me feel slightly better because of what they said.Ā  I’ve gone unconscious three times recently and had paramedics revive me but other than that, I’m working on getting well so I can carry on at university.

I’m sure I’ve missed out some key bits of information but I think I’ve mentioned all the key issues. The situation with my ex is really upsetting me and I’m starting to think I just need to stop messaging her all together and move on with my life. That’s something I’m going to need to think about and talk to my counsellor about. Overall, things are getting better. Now that’s not really saying a lot as I’m in a horrible place right now physically and mentally but it’s so much better than what it was at my aunts. Anyway, I hope you’re all okay and thanks for reading. I’ll try to make another post soon :).