Life update and frustrations

Frustation keyboard

Hi Everyone 👋

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post so I thought I’d update you on what’s been happening and vent a little about a few things. I’ve actually broken my post down this time into segments so all my thoughts and feelings aren’t jumbled up together so I feel organised 🙂

Bad:

  • Didn’t get the job: So the plan is to go back to university in September and obviously while I’m there, I want to be working part time so I can earn some money to get a flat when I graduate as neither my Mum or Dad will let me live with them after university. The job I wanted was working in my universities library. I called up at the beginning of the year and explained my situation saying I would be returning in September and asked if they would have any jobs going then. I was told to look on my universities website around May and the applications will close at the end of May and to apply there. So I did what she said and I couldn’t find the application section anywhere. So I called up today to ask about the jobs going again as we’re in the middle. I spoke to a very rude woman who told me all the jobs have gone and the applications have closed. Every time I tried to explain to her what had happened or ask a question she would just talk over me. I even tried asking the same question 3 times and she spoke over me every time! She eventually shut up but the whole thing has just really pissed me off. I was told the end of May the applications would close and I couldn’t find anywhere on the university page to apply over the last month. I just presumed they hadn’t put up the posting yet that’s why I only asked today. I’m now very unlikely of finding another job while studying which means I’ll have no money to afford a flat and I’ll be homeless as my parents are shit. Thanks Uni and God. A* as always.

 

  • Missing my ex: I’ve been really missing Jess (Not real name) lately. I just can’t seem to move on from her and I 100% hate being single. I’m still using dating websites and I’m just having no luck at all. I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I’ve asked people and they say I’m not ugly at all or bad looking so I don’t get it. I just feel like they’re saying that to make me feel better but at uni, 3/4 girls I was living with had a crush on me and liked me and the 4th just never told anyone much. Also, when I started hooking up with Jess, a girl bought me a drink and asked or my number. Four other girls started talking to me on tinder which never happens to me anymore so I just don’t get it. I feel like when I was in a relationship with Jess and the other girl from years ago, everyone suddenly liked me and wanted me. Now that I’m single, I can’t seem to get anyone to like me or even talk to me and find me attractive. It’s making me feel so shit about myself.

 

  • Angry: I’ve been getting really angry over the smallest of things and beating myself up too over the smallest of things. One thing that has made me really angry lately is my friends from university. Basically one of my friends there has been diagnosed with cancer which is absolutely horrible. However when I was talking to her, she said she didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to upset anyone but then said everyone in the our group of friends knows but me. She told three or four people and her boyfriend told the rest. I mean, wtf! I 100% understand why she didn’t tell me and if she doesn’t want to I’m okay with that but her boyfriend could of told me or one of our group could have. He even messaged me the week asking how I was and stuff and he’s never, ever done that before! I even asked how he and her were and he said it had been pretty bad and not great. I just asked is that because of the distance and he flat out ignored me and never responded to my message. Dick! It just makes me feel like I’m not really even friends with them if I’m the last to know. So I’ve left the group chat because I got really angry and still am at them. It’s horrible because it’s made me angry at her and not care about what shes going through and its not even her fault. I’m such a dick for feeling like that but that’s how they’ve made me feel.

 

Good:

  • I got PIP! So PIP is like a benefit kinda thing (I think) to help people with illnesses and medical conditions. So I’m going to start getting money from that and that is going to really help. I spend so much money on Jelly Babies and things to sort my blood sugar level out and spending money on travel costs to get to medical appointments so this is really good. It also means I’ll get more money for university which is awesome. I’m little pissed off with what the lady wrote about me after my assessment as she said there was nothing wrong with my memory at all and I don’t shake. This has pissed me right off as I could of got a higher rate of pay. I was going to call up and complaint and say I have my MRI scan if you want it and my memory is so shit. Plus my hands are shaking non stop after my accident so she can fuck right off. But my Dad was like you got it so don’t bother complaining as they might review you and take it away. I’m not sure how true that is but yeah. Overall, I’m happy I have it and it will help a lot.

 

  • I have a summer job: So after my last job didn’t go so well I’ve started working in my local pub as a kitchen porter. It doesn’t pay a lot but it’s very chill, it’s kind of relaxing and I don’t have to really think or stress myself out to much. The manager was really nice and said if I start to feel better and healthier, maybe I can move up to front of house and behind the bar. That meant a lot to me and they are all very nice there. It sucks it doesn’t pay much but it’s money and it doesn’t stress me out and it’s easy.

 

So there’s the update on me. I’m sure I’ve missed out on some things but if I remember them, I’ll come back and edit this post later. The plan now is to start going to the gym and start working and planning out my dissertation so I have a head start and am prepared for when I get back to uni. I’ll try to make another post again soon and not leave such a gap. Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you’re all well. Fell free to leave a message :).

Dear God…

Dear God

Hi everyone 🙂 It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and I’ve recently been talking to God lately, or myself whether you believe in him or not. Basically I’ve just been talking to him out loud with no one around and not in a positive way. So if you believe in God, this won’t be the post for you to read and I really recommend you skip this one if you do believe in God because it will get intense. I don’t know if I really believe in God and I don’t go to church or anything like that. But I’ve struggled in my life a lot and it’s just good to talk out loud thinking someone is listening. Obviously there are many, many people around the world that are in far worse situations than me but my life I think, has still been very difficult. I’ve made this post because I wanted to just vent in a sort of letter to God rather than just talking out loud. So, here is my letter and as I said at the beginning, it will not be a nice letter. So,  YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Dear God,

What the fuck is your problem with me?! You have treated me like absolute shit my whole life and for what reason?! You’ve never told me what I’ve done to you or what I’ve done that makes me such a horrible person that I need to be punished all the fucking time. I think I’ve been a pretty decent, good and kind person throughout my life. I’ve never killed anyone or committed a serious crime. I treat people with respect and I even thank you when you do kind things for me. Which, is very fucking rare! And when you do kind things for me, you then later punish me and take the nice things you’ve done away from me. E.g, previous relationships. Let me go through some of the fucking horrible things you’ve done to me throughout my life.

At the age of two or three, you gave me pneumonia. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at that fucking age to deserve that?! Don’t worry dick bag, I’ll let that one pass as I don’t remember it. At the age of five, my Dad left and my Mum and Dad split. Leaving me with no male role model growing up and having to learn everything a man needs to know on my own. I haven’t even learnt how to shave and I just use a fucking electric one because my Dad wasn’t around to teach me that life lesson. Nice that everyone else had their fucking Dad growing up and got to learn everything they needed to know. What. The. Fuck?! What did I do at the age of five to deserve that punishment. Let me have a guess. Nothing? Seems like it.

Moments during primary school and a lot during secondary school, 6th form and college, I was bullied. What. The. Fuck?! I must have deserved that for being nice to everyone. You gave me lots of friends and I wasn’t bullied all the time but quite a lot. So thanks for that twat. Lets put some icing on the cake here shall we. At age 14, you gave me type 1 diabetes. What. The. Fuck?! I’m blaming this all on you because no one in my family has that condition. No one! I took care of my body and played sport all the fucking time! Pretty much non stop. I ate healthily and took care of my body. I still haven’t been given a fucking answer about why I got it! I’ve asked so many people and mentioned it so many times and no one can give me an answer. Fucking dick! So that’s all on you twat. Next, the most horrible and painful thing you’ve done to me. You gave me my first relationship and made it end horribly. You even did the unthinkable during that relationship (I’m not going to mention it as I hate thinking about it and it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me). She treated me like shit and broke my heart. Leaving me with serve depression for almost 10 fucking years. Cunt! I treated her so well and was almost the perfect boyfriend. What. The. Fuck?! However, she broke up with me twice and the first time I went up the lane where I live and I sat on a gate that leads into another filed. I cried for such a long time and I prayed to you to please give her back to me and let us be in a relationship again. You gave her back to me and then on my 18th birthday, got her to finally dump me for the last time. FUCKING DICK! She then went off and fucked so many different guys and obviously I head about all of them. Not a couple of months after dumping me, but with a day or two. Fucking whore! You’ve left me single for 10 years now and I am unable to get a girlfriend. Not for lack of trying but just because you’re a dick.

Next, making me go bald. What. The. Fuck?! Why?! Why the fuck are you punishing me with that at the age of fucking 27?! Such a cunt! You didn’t even get my Dad or other family members to tell me that other members in my family went bald because if you had, I would have saved up money over the years so I could get a transplant! But no, of course you wouldn’t do that for me. That would be far to nice of you. If I had saved money, I would have more than enough to afford a transplant. But now, I have practically £0 in my bank account. Thanks dick head! Moving on, I’ve been on two dates in my life (pathetic I know) and both went horribly. What. The. Fuck?! Why? People tell me I’m attractive although I don’t believe them so what’s the fucking problem? And now, the final thing that comes to mind is my most recent relationship. When I woke up from my coma, I felt the best I’ve felt in absolute years! I felt amazing! And then, I started hooking up with an amazing girl who eventually told me she loved me and would leave her boyfriend for me. But oh no, that was far to fucking nice of you to do that to me. So you made her pick her boyfriend over me, dump me and now she’s no longer talking to me because she needs to work on her health and wants me to work on mine. What. The. Fuck?! The first thing close to a relationship I’ve had in almost 10 years and you take it away from me. Why? What was the fucking reason for that? Was it because I’m failing at university? Which is another fucking thing I’m blaming you for! First year, I got a first for my work but of course God, first year grades don’t count so no marks from that towards my overall grade. You then had my fucking house mates both first year and second year treat me like shit. What. The. Fuck?! Why? What the fuck did I do to them? I’ll tell what I did! Fuck all you twat!

All I have to say to you is, you deserve to be in fucking hell for the way you’ve treated me throughout my life. The things I’ve listed are only some of the things that instantly come to mind! I’m sure you’ve done some other fucking horrible things throughout my life. I’m sure at the end of uni I’ll graduate with a third rather than a first which is what I should have gotten! Why don’t you just keep adding to the fucking pile of horrible things you can do to me. You are an absolute fucking piece of shit and from now on, I am going to insult you and swear at you every time you do something horrible to me and don’t you worry, I’ll say amen at the end. I’m going to kill myself at 30 unless you fucking start treating me well. I may even move up that date as you’re making me lose hair at a billion miles an hour like the fucking cunt you are. You won’t even give me a fucking explanation of why you’re treating me life this. You won’t even tell me what to do to apologise and make things right. I’ve been nice to you throughout my life and always thanked you for the few things you’ve done for me that have been nice but like I said, you’ve then always punished me and taken them away from me. JUST FUCKING TREAT ME RIGHT! FUCKING TREAT ME NICELY! I’m going to treat you like shit and insult you all the time until you change the way you treat me as you don’t fucking deserve anything nice until you treat me well.

Right now, all I’m asking for and have been asking for is a girlfriend and to win the lottery or get enough money to afford a hair transplant. Just stop being a fucking dick!

Okay, I think I’m done. I’m so sorry to everyone reading this for it being such a long post and for upsetting anyone but I needed to say that and to vent which is what this blog is for. So I’m sorry for upsetting anyone. Feel free to leave a comment or ask anything. I hope you’re all well and having a good day. Thanks for reading :).

Going bald :(

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A lot of men go end up losing hair and going bald and 20% of men end up going bald before the age of 30. Sadly, I’m in that 20% :(.

I started noticing I was losing hair around 2 or 3 years ago. I basically had no hair on my crown and I got really worried and upset but, I didn’t do anything about it. It then started getting worse and worse. I’ve been using Rogaine since November last year but it hasn’t really worked and if anything, I’ve lost even more hair! My hairline has pushed even further back at the sides and the small bald spot I had at the crown of my head has got even bigger and moved even closer to my hairline. For someone who has depression, type 1 diabetes and memory problems, this is just icing on the cake. I really just want to die. Everyday I wake, 2 or 3 times throughout the day and before I go to bed, I think about ending my life. As my hair has been getting worse, I’ve thought about it more and more and it’s stressing me out so much. I dropped out of university so I could get well and go back but going bald is just making me more depressed. I don’t know if stressing about it is making me go bald quicker or if it’s a combination of things such as my poor diet and other health problems. I just know that it’s getting to the point where I need to shave all my hair off and it terrifies me.

As I’ve mentioned a million times, I can’t even get a girlfriend with hair! So what chances do I stand without hair! In my head, practically 0! All I want to do is cry and overdose on insulin but I can’t :(. I don’t know what to do. I went to see a consultant or hair specialist about going bald. We talked about having a hair transplant but it costs so much money! It’s roughly between £6,000 to £12,000 and as I currently only have £50 in my bank account, I’m quite a way off. The man I spoke to was quite nice as he said my hair was very healthy and getting a transplant now would be way to early. He said I probably won’t need one until I’m 30 but to take photos at the end of every month so I can see how fast my hair is going which I do, but it’s just making me more and more depressed. As well as that, I’m 27 so I’ve got less than 3 years! I’ve been buying Rogaine to try to help as well as other products such as Watermans Grow Me shampoo and conditioner. I’ve also bought Strand Maximizer to help. The problem with all of these is that it takes up a lot of time to use these products and when I’m going out, it either makes me late or stresses me out even more because I can’t get it done right or it takes up to much time.

I’ve been doing a lot of research into going bald, with the main focus on being if women find bald men attractive. I’ve put a few links to the websites I’ve viewed below if you want to have a look.  One of the websites had the pie chart below which are the results of asking 50 women if they mind dating a balding or bald man. 76% of which said no which has made me feel a lot better but still, that’s only 50 women and they don’t really go into too much detail about the study.

https://www.thrillist.com/sex-dating/nation/what-50-women-really-think-of-balding-men

balding men statistics, what women think of bald men
Another link is to the student room which is asking students if they find bald men attractive. Most of them, saying no which makes me feel even worse as I am a student going back to university in September and I’ve never seen one bald guy there :(. Then I found a YouTube video of two women talking about bald guys being attractive and they said yes so :/.

 

I’m just really scared at the moment because I can’t get a girlfriend with hair, so how am I supposed to get one without hair. I know it’s stupid but being in a relationship and having a girlfriend is so important to me and this just lowers my odds even more. I think I need to start looking after myself better and maybe that will help my hair. Stop eating crap/junk food, start doing some exercise, stop taking too much insulin and not dealing with my diabetes and to try to distress myself.  I’m sure none of those things will stop or even slow down my hair loss but it might so it’s worth a shot. Even if it doesn’t, it might make me feel better :). My goal is to save money so I can eventually pay for a hair transplant but at the moment, I’m just trying my best to slow it down and cover it up. I know you’re meant to just shave your hair off as its way less attractive trying to cover it up but I’m’ just not ready to shave my head. I can’t :(. I just can’t do it yet. I’m not brave enough to take that step and I’d rather kill myself.

If anyone has any advice on hair loss or going bald, I’d really appreciate it. It would be great just to talk to someone about it and to someone who can relate or help. I just feel so down, alone and upset about it. Anyway thanks for reading 🙂 Feel free to message and leave comments 🙂

https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4822880

Most//www.bbc.com/future/story/20160921-the-benefits-of-going-bald

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-mating-game/201612/do-women-find-bald-men-be-more-attractive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Update

UPDATE IMAGE

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and a lot has happened since Christmas. I don’t feel really depressed or suicidal right now which is what I’ve been using this blog for, but I felt like I should post an update of what’s been going on and to show I’m still alive.

So firstly, I’ve not killed myself! Which I’m pretty shocked by because I’ve been in such a low place since August and up until now, it had just been getting  worse and worse. So I’m not happy about being alive but I’m happy I’ve managed to not kill myself and have kept fighting.

I’m no longer living with my aunt! Basically me and my aunt  fell out and she realised it would be best if I went back to my mums so she spoke to my mum and I’m now back at hers. My Dad also said he’d speak to my mum about me going back to hers but I don’t think he ever did. When I arrived back at my mums and my aunt left, my Dad immediately showed up  and sat down with me and my mum and had a talk with me about how I should behave and what I’m going to do while I’m staying at my mums. I’m still pretty fucked off with my Dad as I begged to live with him and said I was feeling suicidal and his response was I was blackmailing him. I’m not going to forgive him for that and I’m not forgiving my mum either for not letting me live with her either. However since I’ve been back at my mums, things have been going pretty well and we’ve only had one or two arguments. I’m really trying to work on my patience and overall aggression as  my ex pointed out I get very angry and scary sometimes so trying to work on that is part of my getting well plan.

My ex and me agreed that we would no longer do this 6 month no talking phase. She basically said she’s scared that I’m going to tell her family and her boyfriend that we were together and she’s a cheat. I’ve told her I would never do that but she still doesn’t trust me so my argument is we need to keep talking so you can learn to trust me again. Nothing romantically is happening between us and we were okay until a week. We were talking fine and then it went quiet for a week so I messaged the other day and asked if she was alright and she said yes she just wants to be left alone. I asked if I had done anything and she just got kinda shitty and annoyed by me asking. She says I haven’t but she just wants me to leave her alone. So again, I feel like shit and she just continues to treat me like crap and I’m just done with it now. So I’m not going to talk to her until she messages me.

I’m working on my health issues! I’ve joined mind (Mental health services) in my area, I’m seeing the diabetic team and they’re getting me a new sugar meter that has an alarm for when my sugar goes to high or low. Still nothing on the brain damage though but I’m starting to just give up on that. I haven’t found or been accepted for any part-time jobs I’m looking for but I’m still going to keep trying. I’m started seeing a counsellor which my Dad said he’d pay fora few sessions but I don’t know if he’ll keep paying :/. I’m obviously going to pay for it when I get a job but if he could help me out, it would mean a lot. I’ve also seen some specialist hair people about  losing my hair and that’s made me feel slightly better because of what they said.  I’ve gone unconscious three times recently and had paramedics revive me but other than that, I’m working on getting well so I can carry on at university.

I’m sure I’ve missed out some key bits of information but I think I’ve mentioned all the key issues. The situation with my ex is really upsetting me and I’m starting to think I just need to stop messaging her all together and move on with my life. That’s something I’m going to need to think about and talk to my counsellor about. Overall, things are getting better. Now that’s not really saying a lot as I’m in a horrible place right now physically and mentally but it’s so much better than what it was at my aunts. Anyway, I hope you’re all okay and thanks for reading. I’ll try to make another post soon :).

My Aunt

Aunt

So I dropped out of University. Not forever but hopefully I’ll return in September 2019. At least that’s the plan anyway. As I said in my last post, I’ve become really unwell and it got to the point where I had to drop out because I have to take care of my health or I’ll probably end up dying. I wanted to go back and live with my Mum and Dad but both of them are treating me like shit and putting other people first. My Aunt though offered to let me stay with her until I return to university in September which was incredibly kind as I don’t even know her. So until then, I have to work on my health, get a part-time job and just sort my life out.

My Mum and Dad are being complete dick’s at the moment. My mum won’t let me stay with her and she has never liked me at all. Her reason I couldn’t stay with her was because there wasn’t enough room in the house for all my stuff and my sisters are living there as well. Firstly, my older sister is 31 and still living at home. She is completely healthy and is functioning well. Why the fuck are you putting her before me?! She should have moved out by now! I am really unwell and she’s perfectly fine but it’s more important she stays home over me?! A* Mum. Secondly, my younger sister is at university! So how the fuck am I going to take up to much space if my sister isn’t even living at home?! You’re putting her before me when again, she’s perfectly healthy and not even living at home. It’s fucking disgusting.

As for my Dad, when I told him I wanted to drop out off university for the year, his response was this. “I’d rather you stay there and if you fail, you fail. There is also no room in the flat for you as my flat mate doesn’t want you living with me”. What. The. Fuck! So just like mum, you’re putting someone else before me. Someone who isn’t even fucking related to you? This is the man who has been telling me since I started university that I need to put my health first before anything and now I’ve finally agreed to, you’re telling me to fuck off basically.  He also said if I came to his, I’d end up lying in bed all day and not bother doing anything. I wouldn’t try to get well and I’d just sit around on my Xbox. How fucking dare you. As soon as I’ve finished university and I have my own place, I’m cutting my family out of my life. I’m so fucking ill and both my parents have told me to fuck off. My mum has always treated me like shit and I grew up arguing with her. We had such an intense argument once, she smashed a plate over my head. I hate her and I’m fucking furious at my dad. I don’t want them in my life anymore. I’m going to use them to get what I need and when I have my own place, my own job and life, they can all go to hell.

So after all of this, I’ve come to stay with my aunt for the year while I try to get well. However, just like everyone else in my family, we are completely different people. For one thing, she’s racist! What the fuck?! That is not fucking okay with me but as I have nowhere to live as my family won’t let me live with them, I have to put up with that. Being racist is fucking over the line and I am not okay with that. We also started talking about what time I need to get up in the morning and I said 8.00am. She then started having ago at me and saying “No way”. 7.30 is the latest you should be getting up”. She then started talking about what she did back her day and how she functions. Firstly, if you’ve ever had depression and mental health issues, you will know that getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world. Yeah I need to get well and to start functioning but she has to get that I’m not well and it’s going to be tough for me. She then recycles and has a go at me if I don’t do it or if I do it wrong. I know that in this situation I’m the bad guy as you should recycle but I don’t care about recycling. Recycling is about taking care of the world but my thought process is this. If the world has treated me like shit my entire life and doesn’t give a fuck about me, why should I take care of it? Yeah I know it’s bad but that’s just how I feel about it. I know she’s trying to help and it means the world to me for what she’s done but there are just certain things about her I am not okay with. As I have no where else to go though, I have to follow her rules and function how she wants me too.

I’m really not okay with my current situation and my family are being so shit at the moment. I really do hate them right now and just wish they would all fuck off but I wouldn’t be able to survive without them and I need them at the moment. As soon as I don’t though, they can all fuck off!

Thank you all for reading. I hope your day is going well and everything is okay for you. If you have any thoughts on what I’ve said or if you have anything you related you want to vent about then feel free to comment. Thanks 🙂

I’ve become really ill

ill

The other night at 1.00am, I woke up on my bedroom floor covered in blood. I had somehow fallen out of bed and knocked my head against something. I went to the bathroom and my face was covered in blood. I don’t know what happened at all. I went to bed at around 20.00/21.00 and my blood sugar was completely fine. I woke up disoriented and with my head spinning wondering what the hell had happened. I messaged my housemates in our group chat and one of them walked me to A&E where I stayed until 10.00am. I came discharged myself as I had a meeting at university but when I got home, I collapsed on the floor and stated having a panic attack. After being told so many times I need to focus on my health, I finally realised that maybe I need to take study leave and drop out of university until next September. However, I was not expecting the response I received from my family.

After I came home from A&E and collapsing on the floor, I called university housing, my tutor and well-being at the university and explained what had happened. Housing came round and gave me new bedding as I had ruined mine and they took me back to A&E. I saw my tutor later on in the week and I spoke to both my Mum and Dad. I told my Dad I was unwell and would I be able to come and stay with him for a year while I sort out my health. He said no because his housemate wouldn’t allow it due to they live in a two bedroom apartment and there wouldn’t be enough room. I didn’t and I don’t really want to go back to my mum’s as we don’t get along and I don’t get along with my sisters either. After my Dad said no though, I called him up again today explaining how unwell I was and if he could convince mum to let me go to hers as she also sad no.  In my head I’ve now realised how unwell I am and how much help I need and this is what my Dad said. “No”.WHAT?! No?! He went on saying I’ll come home to my mum’s and just sit on the Xbox all day and do nothing. I won’t help out around the house. I’ll get up at 13.00 and not take care of myself. He said he’d rather I stay at university and fail my degree. The man who has told me all along that I need to put my health first is now saying no when I’ve finally realised I need help. I mean, how fucking dare he! The only reason I’m at university is because I put in the effort and hard work to get my health right so I could get a degree. Yes, I agree that I have done what he said I would do in the past but that’s when I was attempting to kill myself everyday. I actually know what I need to do and I told him on the phone I would and he’s said no. He said I’d have to convince my mum on my own that I would do housework, help out, sort my health out, sleep on the floor downstairs as there aren’t enough rooms in the house and fix things with my sister as we’re not talking anymore. So, I called up my mum.

The first thing my mum said was that my Aunt said I could down and stay with her anytime. So i asked is that for the whole year? To which my mum responded I don’t know I’ll have to ask. I then basically begged and said please can I come back as I’m really unwell and I told her what dad and said about her saying I don’t help out or do anything. She said he was lying but I doubt that. She then said yes I could but kept repeating and making sure I wasn’t staying with her for Christmas and that I was gong to my Dads. I’ve become really unwell and I’m now in week 9 of my third year at university and I’ve still done no work as I feel so shit and I’m not functioning at all. Both my parents in the past have told me to focus on my health and now that I’ve acknowledged this and asked for help, they’ve both told me to fuck off basically. My Dad doesn’t think I’ll bother to get well and has put his housemate before his own son and my Mum has doesn’t think I’ll help out and has said there’s not enough room in the house for all three of us (my sisters). So,my older sister is 5 years older than me and still living at home and my younger sister is at university in her final year. Both are very well and healthy and you’re putting them first over me?! Thanks.

I am so fucking mad, hurt and upset right now at both my parents. I’m really unwell and they’ve both told me to fuck off basically and picked other people over me? A* parents right there. The fact my Dad even said you’ll just have to fail your degree then really fucks me off. It’s like, “DAD, if I fail my degree, I won’t be able to get a very good job and I’ll have no money and be in debt. Which means I’ll actually be begging you and mum to let me stay and one of yours while I end up getting a rubbish job and becoming even more depressed for failing my degree and who know’s how long I’ll need to live at home because of this. You’d rather that then letting me come back for a year to sort myself out so I can eventually graduate with an okay grade and get my own job and my own place to live? Good job at thinking ahead. So it looks like I’m stuck at university for my last year. I’m literally going to fail my degree and when that happens, I’m going to kill myself. I have no money either at the moment so even if god actually does let me pass, I’ll have nowhere to live as I don’t have any money to get a flat. I don’t have any family members that will let me live with them so I’m fucked all around.

Right now, my thoughts are to go and buy a hotel room for the a night and overdose on insulin. I don’t want to fail my degree but I’m 9 weeks behind on work and I have my dissertation to complete as well that I’m also 9 weeks behind on and I’ve written nothing for it. I’m on 0 words out of 10,000. I’ve done no reading either. I’ve literally failed my degree already unless I can take a year out. I want to die. I don’t have any family members who want to help me and I don’t have any friends at university as they’ve all graduated last year. I’ve got no one. I’m alone and scared and I don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would mean the world to me. Thanks for reading.

 

What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).