Update

UPDATE IMAGE

It’s been a while since I’ve made a post and a lot has happened since Christmas. I don’t feel really depressed or suicidal right now which is what I’ve been using this blog for, but I felt like I should post an update of what’s been going on and to show I’m still alive.

So firstly, I’ve not killed myself! Which I’m pretty shocked by because I’ve been in such a low place since August and up until now, it had just been getting  worse and worse. So I’m not happy about being alive but I’m happy I’ve managed to not kill myself and have kept fighting.

I’m no longer living with my aunt! Basically me and my aunt  fell out and she realised it would be best if I went back to my mums so she spoke to my mum and I’m now back at hers. My Dad also said he’d speak to my mum about me going back to hers but I don’t think he ever did. When I arrived back at my mums and my aunt left, my Dad immediately showed up  and sat down with me and my mum and had a talk with me about how I should behave and what I’m going to do while I’m staying at my mums. I’m still pretty fucked off with my Dad as I begged to live with him and said I was feeling suicidal and his response was I was blackmailing him. I’m not going to forgive him for that and I’m not forgiving my mum either for not letting me live with her either. However since I’ve been back at my mums, things have been going pretty well and we’ve only had one or two arguments. I’m really trying to work on my patience and overall aggression as  my ex pointed out I get very angry and scary sometimes so trying to work on that is part of my getting well plan.

My ex and me agreed that we would no longer do this 6 month no talking phase. She basically said she’s scared that I’m going to tell her family and her boyfriend that we were together and she’s a cheat. I’ve told her I would never do that but she still doesn’t trust me so my argument is we need to keep talking so you can learn to trust me again. Nothing romantically is happening between us and we were okay until a week. We were talking fine and then it went quiet for a week so I messaged the other day and asked if she was alright and she said yes she just wants to be left alone. I asked if I had done anything and she just got kinda shitty and annoyed by me asking. She says I haven’t but she just wants me to leave her alone. So again, I feel like shit and she just continues to treat me like crap and I’m just done with it now. So I’m not going to talk to her until she messages me.

I’m working on my health issues! I’ve joined mind (Mental health services) in my area, I’m seeing the diabetic team and they’re getting me a new sugar meter that has an alarm for when my sugar goes to high or low. Still nothing on the brain damage though but I’m starting to just give up on that. I haven’t found or been accepted for any part-time jobs I’m looking for but I’m still going to keep trying. I’m started seeing a counsellor which my Dad said he’d pay fora few sessions but I don’t know if he’ll keep paying :/. I’m obviously going to pay for it when I get a job but if he could help me out, it would mean a lot. I’ve also seen some specialist hair people about  losing my hair and that’s made me feel slightly better because of what they said.  I’ve gone unconscious three times recently and had paramedics revive me but other than that, I’m working on getting well so I can carry on at university.

I’m sure I’ve missed out some key bits of information but I think I’ve mentioned all the key issues. The situation with my ex is really upsetting me and I’m starting to think I just need to stop messaging her all together and move on with my life. That’s something I’m going to need to think about and talk to my counsellor about. Overall, things are getting better. Now that’s not really saying a lot as I’m in a horrible place right now physically and mentally but it’s so much better than what it was at my aunts. Anyway, I hope you’re all okay and thanks for reading. I’ll try to make another post soon :).

My Aunt

Aunt

So I dropped out of University. Not forever but hopefully I’ll return in September 2019. At least that’s the plan anyway. As I said in my last post, I’ve become really unwell and it got to the point where I had to drop out because I have to take care of my health or I’ll probably end up dying. I wanted to go back and live with my Mum and Dad but both of them are treating me like shit and putting other people first. My Aunt though offered to let me stay with her until I return to university in September which was incredibly kind as I don’t even know her. So until then, I have to work on my health, get a part-time job and just sort my life out.

My Mum and Dad are being complete dick’s at the moment. My mum won’t let me stay with her and she has never liked me at all. Her reason I couldn’t stay with her was because there wasn’t enough room in the house for all my stuff and my sisters are living there as well. Firstly, my older sister is 31 and still living at home. She is completely healthy and is functioning well. Why the fuck are you putting her before me?! She should have moved out by now! I am really unwell and she’s perfectly fine but it’s more important she stays home over me?! A* Mum. Secondly, my younger sister is at university! So how the fuck am I going to take up to much space if my sister isn’t even living at home?! You’re putting her before me when again, she’s perfectly healthy and not even living at home. It’s fucking disgusting.

As for my Dad, when I told him I wanted to drop out off university for the year, his response was this. “I’d rather you stay there and if you fail, you fail. There is also no room in the flat for you as my flat mate doesn’t want you living with me”. What. The. Fuck! So just like mum, you’re putting someone else before me. Someone who isn’t even fucking related to you? This is the man who has been telling me since I started university that I need to put my health first before anything and now I’ve finally agreed to, you’re telling me to fuck off basically.  He also said if I came to his, I’d end up lying in bed all day and not bother doing anything. I wouldn’t try to get well and I’d just sit around on my Xbox. How fucking dare you. As soon as I’ve finished university and I have my own place, I’m cutting my family out of my life. I’m so fucking ill and both my parents have told me to fuck off. My mum has always treated me like shit and I grew up arguing with her. We had such an intense argument once, she smashed a plate over my head. I hate her and I’m fucking furious at my dad. I don’t want them in my life anymore. I’m going to use them to get what I need and when I have my own place, my own job and life, they can all go to hell.

So after all of this, I’ve come to stay with my aunt for the year while I try to get well. However, just like everyone else in my family, we are completely different people. For one thing, she’s racist! What the fuck?! That is not fucking okay with me but as I have nowhere to live as my family won’t let me live with them, I have to put up with that. Being racist is fucking over the line and I am not okay with that. We also started talking about what time I need to get up in the morning and I said 8.00am. She then started having ago at me and saying “No way”. 7.30 is the latest you should be getting up”. She then started talking about what she did back her day and how she functions. Firstly, if you’ve ever had depression and mental health issues, you will know that getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world. Yeah I need to get well and to start functioning but she has to get that I’m not well and it’s going to be tough for me. She then recycles and has a go at me if I don’t do it or if I do it wrong. I know that in this situation I’m the bad guy as you should recycle but I don’t care about recycling. Recycling is about taking care of the world but my thought process is this. If the world has treated me like shit my entire life and doesn’t give a fuck about me, why should I take care of it? Yeah I know it’s bad but that’s just how I feel about it. I know she’s trying to help and it means the world to me for what she’s done but there are just certain things about her I am not okay with. As I have no where else to go though, I have to follow her rules and function how she wants me too.

I’m really not okay with my current situation and my family are being so shit at the moment. I really do hate them right now and just wish they would all fuck off but I wouldn’t be able to survive without them and I need them at the moment. As soon as I don’t though, they can all fuck off!

Thank you all for reading. I hope your day is going well and everything is okay for you. If you have any thoughts on what I’ve said or if you have anything you related you want to vent about then feel free to comment. Thanks 🙂

I’ve become really ill

ill

The other night at 1.00am, I woke up on my bedroom floor covered in blood. I had somehow fallen out of bed and knocked my head against something. I went to the bathroom and my face was covered in blood. I don’t know what happened at all. I went to bed at around 20.00/21.00 and my blood sugar was completely fine. I woke up disoriented and with my head spinning wondering what the hell had happened. I messaged my housemates in our group chat and one of them walked me to A&E where I stayed until 10.00am. I came discharged myself as I had a meeting at university but when I got home, I collapsed on the floor and stated having a panic attack. After being told so many times I need to focus on my health, I finally realised that maybe I need to take study leave and drop out of university until next September. However, I was not expecting the response I received from my family.

After I came home from A&E and collapsing on the floor, I called university housing, my tutor and well-being at the university and explained what had happened. Housing came round and gave me new bedding as I had ruined mine and they took me back to A&E. I saw my tutor later on in the week and I spoke to both my Mum and Dad. I told my Dad I was unwell and would I be able to come and stay with him for a year while I sort out my health. He said no because his housemate wouldn’t allow it due to they live in a two bedroom apartment and there wouldn’t be enough room. I didn’t and I don’t really want to go back to my mum’s as we don’t get along and I don’t get along with my sisters either. After my Dad said no though, I called him up again today explaining how unwell I was and if he could convince mum to let me go to hers as she also sad no.  In my head I’ve now realised how unwell I am and how much help I need and this is what my Dad said. “No”.WHAT?! No?! He went on saying I’ll come home to my mum’s and just sit on the Xbox all day and do nothing. I won’t help out around the house. I’ll get up at 13.00 and not take care of myself. He said he’d rather I stay at university and fail my degree. The man who has told me all along that I need to put my health first is now saying no when I’ve finally realised I need help. I mean, how fucking dare he! The only reason I’m at university is because I put in the effort and hard work to get my health right so I could get a degree. Yes, I agree that I have done what he said I would do in the past but that’s when I was attempting to kill myself everyday. I actually know what I need to do and I told him on the phone I would and he’s said no. He said I’d have to convince my mum on my own that I would do housework, help out, sort my health out, sleep on the floor downstairs as there aren’t enough rooms in the house and fix things with my sister as we’re not talking anymore. So, I called up my mum.

The first thing my mum said was that my Aunt said I could down and stay with her anytime. So i asked is that for the whole year? To which my mum responded I don’t know I’ll have to ask. I then basically begged and said please can I come back as I’m really unwell and I told her what dad and said about her saying I don’t help out or do anything. She said he was lying but I doubt that. She then said yes I could but kept repeating and making sure I wasn’t staying with her for Christmas and that I was gong to my Dads. I’ve become really unwell and I’m now in week 9 of my third year at university and I’ve still done no work as I feel so shit and I’m not functioning at all. Both my parents in the past have told me to focus on my health and now that I’ve acknowledged this and asked for help, they’ve both told me to fuck off basically. My Dad doesn’t think I’ll bother to get well and has put his housemate before his own son and my Mum has doesn’t think I’ll help out and has said there’s not enough room in the house for all three of us (my sisters). So,my older sister is 5 years older than me and still living at home and my younger sister is at university in her final year. Both are very well and healthy and you’re putting them first over me?! Thanks.

I am so fucking mad, hurt and upset right now at both my parents. I’m really unwell and they’ve both told me to fuck off basically and picked other people over me? A* parents right there. The fact my Dad even said you’ll just have to fail your degree then really fucks me off. It’s like, “DAD, if I fail my degree, I won’t be able to get a very good job and I’ll have no money and be in debt. Which means I’ll actually be begging you and mum to let me stay and one of yours while I end up getting a rubbish job and becoming even more depressed for failing my degree and who know’s how long I’ll need to live at home because of this. You’d rather that then letting me come back for a year to sort myself out so I can eventually graduate with an okay grade and get my own job and my own place to live? Good job at thinking ahead. So it looks like I’m stuck at university for my last year. I’m literally going to fail my degree and when that happens, I’m going to kill myself. I have no money either at the moment so even if god actually does let me pass, I’ll have nowhere to live as I don’t have any money to get a flat. I don’t have any family members that will let me live with them so I’m fucked all around.

Right now, my thoughts are to go and buy a hotel room for the a night and overdose on insulin. I don’t want to fail my degree but I’m 9 weeks behind on work and I have my dissertation to complete as well that I’m also 9 weeks behind on and I’ve written nothing for it. I’m on 0 words out of 10,000. I’ve done no reading either. I’ve literally failed my degree already unless I can take a year out. I want to die. I don’t have any family members who want to help me and I don’t have any friends at university as they’ve all graduated last year. I’ve got no one. I’m alone and scared and I don’t know what to do. Any help or advice would mean the world to me. Thanks for reading.

 

What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).