Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Forgiving someone for doing something horrible, is one of the most difficult actions to do or at least it is for me. So why do people find it so hard to forgive?

Using Google Scholar, I found an article/book named “Forgiveness: Theory, Research, and Practice” edited by Michael E. McCullough, Kenneth Ira Pargament, Carl E. Thoresen. In the chapter “Barriers to the expression of forgiveness and repentance, it says “And why might a victim be reluctant to forgive, when forgiving will offer reconciliation and help one escape the victim role? One obvious possibility is that people do not express forgiveness or repentance because they simple do not want to. When people become consumed by anger and defensiveness, they may not want their adversaries to have the satisfaction of a confession or apology on one hand, or an assurance of forgiveness on the other”. I find it incredible difficult to forgive anyone for any wrong doing and I’ve held on to so many horrible things done to me for such a long time. I’ve never stopped though to think, “Why won’t I forgive them for one they’ve done?” Do I feel weak for forgiving someone for hurting me? Do I feel like I’ve lost a battle or something if I forgive them? Maybe their action was so horrible that I just feel like it’s unforgivable. I’m still holding on to hatred, anger, disgust, sadness, revenge and many more feelings towards people. Towards bullies, towards former friends that I’ve had arguments with, towards family members, towards strangers and most of all, towards my ex girlfriend. Forgiving someone just seems wrong to me. Why should I forgive someone or being so horrible towards me? Why should I let them off the hook for their horrible and evil actions? I just don’t understand why someone would do that. Why I would do that.

The reason I bring up forgiveness is because the other day, I was watching one of my favourite sport shows named Undisputed. It’s an american show with Skip Bayless an American sports columnist and Shannon Sharpe the former American football player. Shannon made a comment on the show about forgiveness. I’ve put a link to the video below but he said “Forgiveness is never for the person that’s wronged you. Forgiveness is for you. It gives you an opportunity to move on.” That comment resonated with me so much that I finally after all these years, want to start forgiving people for doing wrong to me. Not for what they’ve done, but to lift the weights off of my shoulders that I’ve been carrying around. So that I’m able to finally let go and move on with my life. To let go of all those negative emotions and to help fix my mental health. The  only question I have is, how do I forgive them? How do I move on? It’s so hard to let go of what these people have done to me. I wish there was a manual telling you how to forgive someone.

So thank you Shannon for saying what you said. I’m going to try my hardest to forgive the people that have wronged me. Not for what they’ve done, but for myself. So I can start to heal. So I can move on. So I can lift this heavy weight off of me. So I can get rid of this anger, hatred and sadness I’ve been holding on. I have no idea how I’m going to do this but I’m going to try my best.

https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=bXZbpTaorg4C&oi=fnd&pg=PA133&dq=why+forgiveness+is+so+difficult&ots=m82JqHxvhU&sig=x6AXoQPx0sE5IfpESB3j17kQgbY#v=onepage&q=why%20forgiveness%20is%20so%20difficult&f=false

 

Going bald :(

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A lot of men go end up losing hair and going bald and 20% of men end up going bald before the age of 30. Sadly, I’m in that 20% :(.

I started noticing I was losing hair around 2 or 3 years ago. I basically had no hair on my crown and I got really worried and upset but, I didn’t do anything about it. It then started getting worse and worse. I’ve been using Rogaine since November last year but it hasn’t really worked and if anything, I’ve lost even more hair! My hairline has pushed even further back at the sides and the small bald spot I had at the crown of my head has got even bigger and moved even closer to my hairline. For someone who has depression, type 1 diabetes and memory problems, this is just icing on the cake. I really just want to die. Everyday I wake, 2 or 3 times throughout the day and before I go to bed, I think about ending my life. As my hair has been getting worse, I’ve thought about it more and more and it’s stressing me out so much. I dropped out of university so I could get well and go back but going bald is just making me more depressed. I don’t know if stressing about it is making me go bald quicker or if it’s a combination of things such as my poor diet and other health problems. I just know that it’s getting to the point where I need to shave all my hair off and it terrifies me.

As I’ve mentioned a million times, I can’t even get a girlfriend with hair! So what chances do I stand without hair! In my head, practically 0! All I want to do is cry and overdose on insulin but I can’t :(. I don’t know what to do. I went to see a consultant or hair specialist about going bald. We talked about having a hair transplant but it costs so much money! It’s roughly between £6,000 to £12,000 and as I currently only have £50 in my bank account, I’m quite a way off. The man I spoke to was quite nice as he said my hair was very healthy and getting a transplant now would be way to early. He said I probably won’t need one until I’m 30 but to take photos at the end of every month so I can see how fast my hair is going which I do, but it’s just making me more and more depressed. As well as that, I’m 27 so I’ve got less than 3 years! I’ve been buying Rogaine to try to help as well as other products such as Watermans Grow Me shampoo and conditioner. I’ve also bought Strand Maximizer to help. The problem with all of these is that it takes up a lot of time to use these products and when I’m going out, it either makes me late or stresses me out even more because I can’t get it done right or it takes up to much time.

I’ve been doing a lot of research into going bald, with the main focus on being if women find bald men attractive. I’ve put a few links to the websites I’ve viewed below if you want to have a look.  One of the websites had the pie chart below which are the results of asking 50 women if they mind dating a balding or bald man. 76% of which said no which has made me feel a lot better but still, that’s only 50 women and they don’t really go into too much detail about the study.

https://www.thrillist.com/sex-dating/nation/what-50-women-really-think-of-balding-men

balding men statistics, what women think of bald men
Another link is to the student room which is asking students if they find bald men attractive. Most of them, saying no which makes me feel even worse as I am a student going back to university in September and I’ve never seen one bald guy there :(. Then I found a YouTube video of two women talking about bald guys being attractive and they said yes so :/.

 

I’m just really scared at the moment because I can’t get a girlfriend with hair, so how am I supposed to get one without hair. I know it’s stupid but being in a relationship and having a girlfriend is so important to me and this just lowers my odds even more. I think I need to start looking after myself better and maybe that will help my hair. Stop eating crap/junk food, start doing some exercise, stop taking too much insulin and not dealing with my diabetes and to try to distress myself.  I’m sure none of those things will stop or even slow down my hair loss but it might so it’s worth a shot. Even if it doesn’t, it might make me feel better :). My goal is to save money so I can eventually pay for a hair transplant but at the moment, I’m just trying my best to slow it down and cover it up. I know you’re meant to just shave your hair off as its way less attractive trying to cover it up but I’m’ just not ready to shave my head. I can’t :(. I just can’t do it yet. I’m not brave enough to take that step and I’d rather kill myself.

If anyone has any advice on hair loss or going bald, I’d really appreciate it. It would be great just to talk to someone about it and to someone who can relate or help. I just feel so down, alone and upset about it. Anyway thanks for reading 🙂 Feel free to message and leave comments 🙂

https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4822880

Most//www.bbc.com/future/story/20160921-the-benefits-of-going-bald

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-mating-game/201612/do-women-find-bald-men-be-more-attractive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Birthday

sad-birthday-cake

Hello,

Today, is my birthday. I feel really horrible today due to my Aunt. She’s a bully and is horrible to me everyday. She has ago at me for staying in my room, she had ago at me today for calling up the doctors to ask about having some medication sent to the pharmacy, she had ago at me for turning up the shower heat and had ago at me for not being outside for very long. This is what she’s like everyday and I should probably vent about it on here more as it’s just making me feel suicidal. I would list what she’s done since I moved in but I just wanted to list what she’s done today because, it’s my birthday. I thought on today she would be less of a bitch but no. She’s just carried on bullying me as she always does and normally I’d stand up for myself but I don’t as I’m scared she’ll throw me on the street and I’ll have nowhere to live.

I wanted to make a post on my birthday today as ever since my 18th birthday, my birthday has always sucked. It’s probably because on my 18th my ex broke up with me and ever since then I’ve suffered with depression so I just think of my birthday as a memory of my break up and the start of my depression. This birthday has sucked for a number of reasons and here’s the list:

1.) None of my family except my dad sent me a birthday present or card. My aunt and her son got me one but it’s a mug that says “His Lordship”. Now I’m sure I’m probably over thinking it and I’m sure anyone else would appreciate it but I swear it’s just my aunt taking a shot at me as she’s a bitch. Making out I’m some sort of snob or whatever. It’s just meant to be an insult of some sort.

2.) The other day I sent a message to my dad saying I hate living here and she’s making me feel suicidal. It’s horrible and it’s making me more unwell and ill and please, please can I come live with you. His response, I’m blackmailing him. Now normally when someone tells you they’re feeling suicidal, it’s probably not the best thing to insult them. I wasn’t blackmailing him in any way, I was just making him aware because last time I tried to take my own life, he got annoyed because I didn’t tell him. He says he want’s to talk about it when I go down and see him for Christmas but I have nothing more to say to be honest. I told him how I’m feeling and he insulted me, so I don’t really think there’s anything more to be said.

3.) I’m not sure if I said this in my previous post but I begged my mum if I could come live with her instead of living with her sister and her response was no. I bring a violent and aggressive nature to the household. I didn’t help over the summer and I’m a horrible human being. Firstly, I washed and wiped up on a regular basis and although it might not have been everyone’s plates or items, I consistently cleaned mine. Secondly, I went on many dog walks and walked Willow (Dogs name) on a regular basis. She also said I spent all my time in my room and my aunt has ago at me constantly for doing that at her house too. So to my mum and aunt. I stay in my room as I feel comfortable there. I feel safe and I’m able to have fun, get work done, relax and enjoy myself. When I’m around my mum and sisters they will just argue with me and I’m not sitting around my aunt to hear her have ago at me constantly and be consistently racist.

4.) Me and the girl I broke up with are now getting on really well. It’s amazing and I’m having so much fun talking to her and we’re really good friends now. I was meant to see her today and travel down to university but she cancelled. She cancelled because she’s very unwell and I totally understand that because she is really unwell but it would have been nice to get away from my aunt and have a nice happy day with someone I genuinely love. Instead, I’ve had to listen to my aunt treat me like shit and insult me while I sit at home doing nothing.

So those are the reasons why yet again, my birthday has sucked. All I want to do, is overdose on insulin. That’s all I want to do right now. I’d be able to escape and I wouldn’t be happy because I believe when you die, it’s just like sleeping without any dreams or nightmares. It’s just nothing. Sure I’d love there to be a heaven and if there is and I make it there, I am seriously going to go off at god for giving me such a shit life. I mean, dick haha. Sorry to anyone religious. Apparently last year my flat mates were lovely and made me a cake and decorated the flat but because of what happened in January with my coma, I can’t remember. Obviously I wouldn’t remember the one nice birthday I had. Anyway I’m just really unhappy today and I’d just for once, want to have a happy birthday. Here’s hoping if I live until next year, I’ll have one n 2019. If anyone has any advice on dealing with depression on your birthday or just having a shit birthday in general, please comment and make me feel better haha. I hope you’re all having a good and if it’s your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).

A nice ending ☺️

Goodbye Hug

It’s not very often you ever have a good breakup with someone. People always end up getting hurt, there are arguments, you both end up hurting each other and it’s just one of the toughest things you have to deal with in your life. On the Monday just gone though, the girl I’ve been talking about over the last few months who broke things off between us, came round and we actually finally ended things nicely.

In my very first relationship, when we broke up it ended really badly. It didn’t end nicely at all. We argued, she hurt me by getting with several other people when we broke up, she ended it on my 18th birthday and she was just so horrible. She never gave me answers to questions I had and she went around the whole school telling everyone how horrible I was. Not as in mean but as in horrible at relationship stuff and that was just horrible for me. The girl who recently ended things with me, I started hating her as much as my ex from before. I just felt like she got over me instantly and I don’t get how you get over someone that quickly if you love them. On the 22nd of this month though, the Monday just gone, she came round and we sat down and talked about everything. Since she ended things, all we had been doing was arguing nonstop. I’ve been wanting to talk about everything because I didn’t get to do this with my ex and if we were going to stay friends, I felt like we needed to do this. She said what she wanted to say, I vented about everything and said how I was hurt by what she had done. The lie she told **********, making promises and breaking them all and just how shitty it was of her to do what she’s done. I told her that she just reminded me of my ex and that I was finding just being friends really hard but she wasn’t anything like my ex. She didn’t interrupt me or argue with me, she didn’t have a go at me or shout at me. She didn’t even get up and walk out. She just, listened. She sat there and listened to everything I had said too. I mean, it meant and still means the world to me that she just heard me out and didn’t argue with me or call me pathetic. She even did what my ex would have never of done and said sorry and not just once but several times.

We continued to talk about everything that had happened and she told me that she does still have feelings for me and I really needed to hear that. Not so I can try to get her back but so I know that she didn’t just get over me instantly. She just explained that she does still like me but she’s in a relationship and has been for a while and she wants to try to make it work. She feels so bad for not being with me and promising to breakup with him but she wants to give it one last shot. The whole situation between us has just been really bad timing. I even said I was going to ask her out as soon as she was single and she said “I hope you do”. She cried and got upset because she had hurt me so much and it was just a very emotional day. After we finished talking she stayed over and we hung out for a couple of hours and it was really nice. We just laid down together and hugged until she had to leave.

It was the best ending I could have possible asked for and we haven’t had one argument since. As much as I feel better about the whole situation, I’m still really upset. I’m so happy that it happened the way it did but I love her so much and her being as amazing as she was on Monday just makes me miss her even more. It just sucks that she’s in a relationship because if she wasn’t, we’d be together. I totally get why she ended it with me because she’s been in that relationship for a long time and it makes sense why she doesn’t just want to throw it away. It’s been a big part of her life and I’ve never been in a relationship for that long so I’m sure it must be really tough to let it go. I just wish she could have because I know we could be amazing together. We both still have huge feelings for each other and I think that’s what’s going to make this tough. It means the world though that she came round and we sorted it all out. I’m obviously still really upset and I still really want to be with her but it ended on a nice note and I couldn’t ask for anything more. She’s nothing like my ex at all and her doing what she did Monday meant the world to me and I can’t thank her enough for it. I care about her so much, it just makes me feel really bad for how I’ve been talking about her on here and how I’ve been so angry at her and hating her. She even admitted that she hadn’t handled it well because she was so upset for having ended it. It was the best ending to what we had and I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I don’t know if we will ever be together and I don’t know if I should hold onto the idea that we will be but it means a lot to me that we ended things positively.

Have any of you had a nice breakup? If you haven’t, how would you of liked your relationship to have ended? Feel free to share your stories or thoughts on my situation in the comments below. Thanks for reading :).

A message to my ex

how-to-unread-a-message-on-iphone1

I need your help. So as you know, I’ve been trying to stay friends with the girl that recently split up with me. Again, we weren’t officially together because she had and has a boyfriend but we were hooking up all the time and she promised she’d be with me and she told me she loved me so we basically were together unofficially. I want to send her this message but I feel like it makes me seem weak and pathetic. I’m holding onto the idea that one day we’ll end up together and I probably need to let go of that but I’m finding it hard. Anyway, I want people’s opinion on this message I’ve written out. Should I send or not? And if I do, what should I change about it? Your opinions and advice would really help me a lot and I’d really appreciate it. So here it is…

Okay, so here’s what I want to say. I think you’re so stupid for ending things between us. We could of made each other so happy and you made me feel the best I’ve felt in years. I felt like you needed me and that made me feel worth while and really good about myself. I know you love your boyfriend but I really think I could of made you so much happier than you are with him. We were great together and I know we weren’t actually together but it felt real for me. After how he’s treated you, I just don’t get why you threw me away. You also say you’re closing a chapter in your life and moving on but you really haven’t. Nothings changed in your life at all. All you’ve done is hurt me and got rid of me. That isn’t changing anything. I get you want to be well but if you did you’d be changing a lot more than just hurting me. I think it’s fucking unfair.

Next, you talked me into all of this. I wanted to have one night with you but you kept coming back to my room. You talked me in to being with you. You said the age difference didn’t matter. You promised we’d be together. You were the one that told me you loved me first. After everything I told you about my ex and what she did to me and how unwell it made me, I just can’t believe you went and hurt me the way you have. I trusted you and you broke every promise you made. You lied and that lie you told **********, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that. You were even talking about holidays together. You talked me into everything we had and you’re the one that ruined it.

Lastly, I’m not even sure we can be friends anymore. This is so difficult for me because I still love you. I really care about you and it’s hard being friends with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I think I’ve just been holding onto the idea that one day we’ll eventually end up together and I think I need to let go of that. This is so difficult for me and I don’t think you actually realise how tough it is. You said you found it tough but you’re the one that ended it. I am struggling so much right now with everything and I needed you. Especially with everything that’s going on with me. I’m finding it really difficult that we don’t talk everyday like we used too. I came back to this university for us. If I knew you were going to hurt me, I would of gone somewhere else.

I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or guilt trip you as you said last time. That really pissed me off you saying that but you meant a lot to me. So I’m going to find this tough. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I get you got over me within a day but I find dealing with emotions tough and letting go of you is taking me a lot longer. I really hope we can be friends but right now, it doesn’t even feel like we are. I will keep trying for you but just please understand how tough this is for me. You barely even talk to me anymore so it feels like you don’t even care about being friends even though you keep saying you do. I’m the one that always messages you and you’ve just started ignoring me. 

Okay I think I’m done. I hope I  don’t come back and say something else but my memory sucks atm so if I do I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure I’ve said what I needed to say. I’m sorry if it upsets you and I really don’t mean too but I needed to say what I’ve said. I didn’t want to say it as it makes me feel weak and pathetic but I just feel like you should know how I’m feeling atm. 

So that’s the message. Should I send it or not? Any advice anyone can give would mean the world to me. Again I know it’s pathetic but this is how I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I should send it because I did all this with my ex and it just made me things worse. Thanks for reading 🙂 Hope you’re having a good day 🙂 .

Dreams and aspirations

Dreams and aspirations

So recently I’ve been thinking about things I’d like to achieve before I die and as I plan on dying at the age of 30 if I don’t get a girlfriend, I think I need to make a move on. I’ve recently been thinking about my bucket list, which is a list of “a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime”. I started thinking about what I could put on my list and decided to start writing it. Below are a few things I’ve put on my list.

img_0232 As you can see I only have 12 things at the moment but I’m sure I’ll think of more. Obviously, a lot of these are probably going to be impossible to achieve such as meeting Magic Johnson but I’d like to hope that I could meet my hero one day. Living in NYC has been a dream of mine since I was in secondary school and luckily, I got to go there in 2017 with my best friend. So that’s one achievement or goal I can cross off my list. However, living there now just seems like an unrealistic dream. Being diabetic, I’d have to pay for medical insurance in America and as I constantly suffer from Hypoglycemia, (Low blood sugar) I feel like I would have to pay a lot for insurance. Also, and correct me if I’m wrong as I’m not entirely sure how medical insurance works over there but I think your work or job you have has to cover you. I doubt many people in America are going to want to cover someone who constantly passes out from low blood sugar levels. So living in NYC seems pretty out of reach at this moment in time.
I’d love to learn how to play the piano or guitar. The piano is one of my favourite instruments and has been for such a long time. I learned to play the violin but I never really enjoyed it and the piano would be an instrument I would actually enjoy playing. Learning a new language as well would be amazing. I’d love to learn to speak Spanish as my Aunt speaks Spanish and lives there and that would be really cool to be able to speak to her. Also many people around the world can speak more than one language so I would feel like that was a good achievement to have.

A lot of the goals I have are about learning to do things or visiting new places. I don’t really like myself and I feel like I’m very stupid and don’t have any skills. I remember in primary school the teacher went around the classroom asking people what talent they have or what one thing they were really good at. I remember being the only person that didn’t give an answer because I couldn’t think of something I was good at. To this day I still can’t name something I’m talented at. I got to university but I’m going to finish with a 2:2 which I’m not proud of at all. Yeah people could argue I’ve been very unwell and I’ve been living with really horrible people and that hasn’t helped me at all but still, I should be doing better. I know I could have done better. My other goals are visiting places and seeing of much of the world as possible. Yeah I have a few fun things on my list like watching a live NBA game but as I said, most are learning new things or visiting places.

I’ll continue to add to my list and hopefully complete it so I can start working on achieving some of those goals and aspirations. I found a website recently called skillshare where it teaches you and helps you develop new skills. I think that website will help me a lot and may even help me with my university work. Have any of you guys made a bucket list? Or do you have any dreams or goals you’re aiming for at the moment? Feel free to comment on dreams you have or feel free to comment about mine. Hope you’re all having a good day 🙂