My Aunt

Aunt

So I dropped out of University. Not forever but hopefully I’ll return in September 2019. At least that’s the plan anyway. As I said in my last post, I’ve become really unwell and it got to the point where I had to drop out because I have to take care of my health or I’ll probably end up dying. I wanted to go back and live with my Mum and Dad but both of them are treating me like shit and putting other people first. My Aunt though offered to let me stay with her until I return to university in September which was incredibly kind as I don’t even know her. So until then, I have to work on my health, get a part-time job and just sort my life out.

My Mum and Dad are being complete dick’s at the moment. My mum won’t let me stay with her and she has never liked me at all. Her reason I couldn’t stay with her was because there wasn’t enough room in the house for all my stuff and my sisters are living there as well. Firstly, my older sister is 31 and still living at home. She is completely healthy and is functioning well. Why the fuck are you putting her before me?! She should have moved out by now! I am really unwell and she’s perfectly fine but it’s more important she stays home over me?! A* Mum. Secondly, my younger sister is at university! So how the fuck am I going to take up to much space if my sister isn’t even living at home?! You’re putting her before me when again, she’s perfectly healthy and not even living at home. It’s fucking disgusting.

As for my Dad, when I told him I wanted to drop out off university for the year, his response was this. “I’d rather you stay there and if you fail, you fail. There is also no room in the flat for you as my flat mate doesn’t want you living with me”. What. The. Fuck! So just like mum, you’re putting someone else before me. Someone who isn’t even fucking related to you? This is the man who has been telling me since I started university that I need to put my health first before anything and now I’ve finally agreed to, you’re telling me to fuck off basically.┬á He also said if I came to his, I’d end up lying in bed all day and not bother doing anything. I wouldn’t try to get well and I’d just sit around on my Xbox. How fucking dare you. As soon as I’ve finished university and I have my own place, I’m cutting my family out of my life. I’m so fucking ill and both my parents have told me to fuck off. My mum has always treated me like shit and I grew up arguing with her. We had such an intense argument once, she smashed a plate over my head. I hate her and I’m fucking furious at my dad. I don’t want them in my life anymore. I’m going to use them to get what I need and when I have my own place, my own job and life, they can all go to hell.

So after all of this, I’ve come to stay with my aunt for the year while I try to get well. However, just like everyone else in my family, we are completely different people. For one thing, she’s racist! What the fuck?! That is not fucking okay with me but as I have nowhere to live as my family won’t let me live with them, I have to put up with that. Being racist is fucking over the line and I am not okay with that. We also started talking about what time I need to get up in the morning and I said 8.00am. She then started having ago at me and saying “No way”. 7.30 is the latest you should be getting up”. She then started talking about what she did back her day and how she functions. Firstly, if you’ve ever had depression and mental health issues, you will know that getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world. Yeah I need to get well and to start functioning but she has to get that I’m not well and it’s going to be tough for me. She then recycles and has a go at me if I don’t do it or if I do it wrong. I know that in this situation I’m the bad guy as you should recycle but I don’t care about recycling. Recycling is about taking care of the world but my thought process is this. If the world has treated me like shit my entire life and doesn’t give a fuck about me, why should I take care of it? Yeah I know it’s bad but that’s just how I feel about it. I know she’s trying to help and it means the world to me for what she’s done but there are just certain things about her I am not okay with. As I have no where else to go though, I have to follow her rules and function how she wants me too.

I’m really not okay with my current situation and my family are being so shit at the moment. I really do hate them right now and just wish they would all fuck off but I wouldn’t be able to survive without them and I need them at the moment. As soon as I don’t though, they can all fuck off!

Thank you all for reading. I hope your day is going well and everything is okay for you. If you have any thoughts on what I’ve said or if you have anything you related you want to vent about then feel free to comment. Thanks ­čÖé

What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something┬á to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the┬áemployer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No┬áI don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).