University accommodation

Accommodation

Today I received my offer for university accommodation that I applied for back in January.  Sadly, I didn’t get the choice I wanted which has made me feel pretty shit. I know, I’m just whinging about something stupid #first world problems but it’s really bothered me. Let me explain why…

So at my university, when you apply for campus accommodation you have a few choices to make about what type of accommodation you want. Such as which building and location, en suite or shared, self catered or catered and quiet, moderately quiet or normal. Now normally accommodation on campus is for first years only and I’m going into my 5th year. My 3rd year I ended up in a coma and I dropped out of 4th year as I came back to early and was ready or well enough to continue. So I already know first years get their choices first and that makes sense but housing have said it’s on a first come first served basis and applications opened up in January. I applied in January and I’m pretty sure it was on the day the applications opened. I picked north location (Not real name), self catered and quiet. The offer I received today was in North so I can’t complain there. However it was moderately quiet and not in the building I selected. So I emailed housing and asked why I didn’t get my choice of accommodation that I wanted. Here is the response I got from housing at my university.

“You have been allocated with other mature students, so although it is a moderately quiet designated flat, you will be with others of a similar age and therefore hopefully will be comfortable there”. First of all, I HATE the term “mature students”. It just makes me feel really, really old. I’m 27! I know most people joining university are 18 but the term just makes me feel like I’m double the age of new students or older! I didn’t get to go to university when I was 18 because my school didn’t even acknowledge me or anyone they didn’t think was smart enough to get to university. I also became incredibly unwell at the age both physically and mentally and since 18, I’ve been battling with my health everyday. So I didn’t get to university until I was 23 because I worked so hard to fix my health and luckily, I did. Sadly though, I had some really shit housemates my first year at university and they made me very unwell and since then, my health has just gotten worse and worse.

As I’ve been writing this post, I received a response to my reply to their email saying this. “Due to our allocations policy we have ensured mature students (24 years old and over) are housed together”. When I tried to come back for my fourth year and in my 3rd year, I wasn’t forced to live with mature students. In my 3rd year, the oldest person I lived with not including myself was 20. So this must be a brand new policy as I’ve worked for housing at my university as a residential assistant and I’ve never heard of it! Secondly to that, so because I’m over the age of 24 I don’t get the same rights as students younger than me? No matter if I apply as soon as applications open and rooms are given on a first come first served basis?

I know because I’ve worked for them I shouldn’t expect any special treatment but I mean come on. They know me and they know how much I’ve been struggling with my health while at university and even while working for them. I worked fucking hard for them and I put a tone of effort into working for them. Not to mention that THEIR security guard injected me with insulin giving me brain damage! They’re just treating me like crap. Even when I woke up from my coma, they told my parents I could have my job back if I wanted it. So I asked for my job back and they said no as all roles were filled. So I asked again in January this year as students working as R.A’s would be leaving and there response was “You won’t be back in time for interviews and all positions would be filled by then”. WHAT?! Why would you need to interview me when I’ve done the job before and giving me my job back would save you interviewing people! AGH! Don’t say I can have my job back if I want it to my parents if you don’t really mean it!

Normally I’d talk to my Dad about this kind of thing but we had an argument yesterday about me going back to university. Well, more of a disagreement because I know I’m not well enough to go back and he doesn’t think I should either. My mum fucking hates me though and treats me like shit and won’t let me live with her. So she wants me out of the house by September and my Dad won’t let me live with him as his flat mate doesn’t want me living with them. So what the fuck am I meant to do Dad? I’m going back to university as I have no where to fucking live! I have no where to call home. I’m getting so tired of life or God treating me like shit. Just punishing me every single day. It feels like torture. Is anything ever going to go right for me in my life? Ever? The last time I felt properly healthy and good was my first year at university. Ever since then it’s just God constantly shitting on me and ruining my life. I wake up from coma and finally get close to a girl again and God goes and takes that away. I’ve told you guys before that if I don’t get a girlfriend by the age of 30, I’m going to kill myself. I might have to move that date up because I am just so tired of life and it treating me like shit. I feel like I’ve just been knocked out in a boxing ring but instead of ref stopping the fight, he just lets the guy continue to punch my head in. I’ve run out of energy and I just don’t see the point in trying anymore.

Anyway, apologies again for moaning over something so silly but like I said, I’d normally talk to my Dad about this kind of thing but he’s being funny about the whole uni thing. Thanks for reading 🙂

 

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&$!#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGER!

I lose my temper so easily! I get angry over the smallest things and it really doesn’t fucking help, when my mum continues to fucking aggravate me and just makes me so much more angry! I’m about to vent about why I got so angry and I’m sure you’ll think “Wow. What an absolute douche”. Because it’s over something really stupid but my mum is just so fucking bad at helping with emotions or dealing with someone who’s stressed out.

Basically I was playing NBA2k19 on my Xbox and I just couldn’t beat this team! It was making me so fucking angry because I felt like they kept fouling me and defying the laws of physics. It was basically like I was playing against god. Cheating just really fuck’s me off and I know, it’s so stupid to get so angry over something so small and I wish I could explain why I get so angry but I can’t.
My mum comes into this because while I was playing the game, she kept fucking annoying me and antagonizing me. She kept walking in front of the tv and then pulling the door open and leaving it there so I couldn’t see the screen. She kept trying to talk to me while I’m listening to something which pisses me off! It’s like trying to talk to someone who’s on the phone. You just wouldn’t do it! She then kept telling me to check my sugar level and going “calm down, it’s just a game” and that just really makes me mad. I know it’s a fucking game but it means something to me which is silly I know but saying calm down  isn’t making me calm, it’s just making me more angry. She then started to tell the dog to come out of the room where I was like I was going to harm the dog or smash-up the room or something. I mean, what the fuck? I’m not even near the dog and she was 100% happy in the room. She didn’t even want to leave the room! She then starts going on and on at me and telling me to do jobs and interrupting me and saying calm down, calm down! So I lost it and told her to fuck off to which her response was “Why don’t you go and fuck off”. Yes I shouldn’t have sworn at her but to then respond to someone who’s already really stressed out and angry with “fuck off” just makes the situation so much worse! She just is so useless with stressful situations, she’s not very tactile at all. She and the rest of my family don’t ever understand when they’ve done something wrong either so explaining to them that they’ve done something wrong is just like telling a murderer that murdering is wrong. My sister last summer promised she’d do something for me when I went upstairs and when I came down, she wasn’t doing it. I had ago at her and she still hasn’t spoken to me. My family made me apologise to her and made out she did nothing wrong! I’ve explained over and over again that I got angry because she didn’t do what she said she did and that’s why I got mad but it’s like she’s done nothing wrong and I’m the only one in the wrong! They just make me so angry!

I just don’t want my family in my life anymore. Yes, they’ve been very nice in my life but they’ve also been fucking horrible! I just don’t want them in my life anymore but, I need them in my life. It’s so selfish I know and it’s horrible but I need them or I’ll literally be living on the street and I’ll be really ill. As soon as I graduate and get my own place though, I think I’m just going to cut them out of my life. I’ve just been arguing with my family my whole life and I’m so sick of it. Out of all of us, the only who’s changed is me. They’re all so set in their ways that they’re just never going to change. Explaining to them what they do wrong is just a waste of time  and I’ve given up on them. So like I said, as soon as I don’t need them, I don’t want them in my life. If I’m only living to 30, I need the last 2 years of my life to be without a stressful family and just dealing with all the other stresses.

I’m not feeling so down, angry and upset that I just want to die. All over a fucking game. So stupid :(. Anyway thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a good day 🙂

Blowing off steam!

punchbag

So yesterday I was thinking about making a post to do with the mind and thoughts you have but I just had an argument with my unofficial ex and I’m fucking livid! I’m sure everyone is sick of me venting about this but I made this blog so I could blow off steam and not do anything stupid to myself. If you have an ex or you’re just mad and you want to feel mad along with me then this is the post for you.

Me and my ex planned to meet tomorrow morning last week to vent and clear the air. I wanted to do this just under a month ago but nope, she was busy or gave some other shit reason why she couldn’t do it and now here we are. I messaged today to see if she was still coming by tomorrow. She said yes but she had the flu and that right there was the start of all this. I thought she was just going to cancel so I said “If you’re not well you don’t have too”. She said she wasn’t cancelling but then good old me said “I thought you were gonna cancel”. This started between 1-2 hours of arguing between us. That one comment that I couldn’t keep in my head. Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but just didn’t because you knew it would cause an argument? Could have been to anyone. Well she’s cancelled so many times that I just had to say something and the only reason I said it was because I didn’t think she’d get upset by it! I thought I can put how I feel in a delicate way without upsetting her. How was that even close to delicate? Moron. She then continued to have a go at me for not talking to her this weekend and then moments later she says she’s always busy! If you’re always busy, how the fuck am I meant to talk to you?! Agh! We then argued about how long she was going to stay until and because we’d been arguing for a while, I thought I’d ask if she was still coming by. She then called me a drama queen because I keep getting mad at her. So I put “No…I’m fucking mad that you ended things between us and you continue to treat me like shit!”. This led to us pausing the argument until now.

She messages me back a few hours later saying she’s a “little mad”. She says it’s because of me saying I’m mad at her and that she’s done nothing to me since she’s been back at university. I said let’s talk about it tomorrow when we meet up and but she said she wanted to talk about it now. She said “I feel hurt and mad” so I put “Well that’s how I’ve been feeling since you ended it”. Her response, “Stop fucking guilt tripping me for ending things man. That’s not fair.That was over like two months ago.”. This is where I decided to come on here and vent instead of doing something stupid. I just lost my cool. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to get over this but it meant something to me and she’s fucking telling me I should be over it by now?! I’m finding being her friend really tough and she is making no effort at all in this and yet she’s the one that wanted to stay friends! I think it upset me so much because I’ve been holding onto the idea that we will end up together again and her saying that just proved to me it’s never going to happen. I’ve finally come to the realisation in my head that we’re officially finished. I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to her tomorrow for the last week and every time I do, I call her by my ex’s name. I hate her so much now, my ex’s name just comes up in my head when I think of what I’m going to say to her. That is so sad…

Thanks for reading if you did 🙂 . Apologies for the grammar and the terrible writing. I’m going to blame it on my anger and my sleepiness. I’m seeing her in less than 8 hours so if anyone has any advice that would be awesome or if you’ve had a moment where you’ve wanted to say something but didn’t, feel free to type it out here. 🙂

First dates

Romantic-date-ideas

Tomorrow evening, I’m going on a date and I’m pretty terrified. I don’t know what I’m going to wear, I’ve had my hair cut three times to try to make it look okay, it’s in a place I’ve never been to and…I’m not looking forward to it. After this recent breakup I thought this is what I needed but I’m just feeling negative about it.

I’ve only ever been on one date in my entire life and it went…badly. It was awful. Basically I met someone on a dating website and we decided to meet up for drinks. I decided to look the best I could and went to go meet her. She turned and looked at me like I was the worst looking person in the world. I mean, we met on a dating site and I put photo’s of myself on there so she knew what I looked like. She stayed for about 20 minutes before leaving me on my own. She made no effort to talk and replied to every question I asked with one word answers. This was at a time I was feeling suicidal and trying to get my life back on track as well. So overall, my experience with dating is pretty bad. The girl I’m seeing tomorrow, I also met online and she is so nice. She makes me smile so much and she asked me out! Yes! I know, unbelievable. I keep reading back the messages myself to make sure she actually did but yeah she asked me out. She’s so nice and we’ve gotten on so well but I’m just not looking forward to tomorrow. I’m having problems with one of my housemates, there’s still drama going on from last years flat which includes the girl I was seeing and I just don’t know if I can deal with this. I’m expecting to turn up, she’ll see me and then 30 minutes later I’ll be on my own. I have no idea what I’m even meant to wear. I don’t want to wear a shirt as I’ll have to put a jumper on over it and I get far to hot just wearing a t-shirt let alone a shirt and jumper. Plus, what if she does turn away or she doesn’t talk to me? I’m just going to feel even more suicidal than I already do and I doubt I’ll come on here if things don’t go well. I’ll probably just do something stupid and end up hurting myself or worse. I’m so nervous and anxious and it doesn’t help when I’m living with someone who is a complete dick bag who makes me upset and anxious all the time. I really want to go on this date but I just don’t feel like I’m ready.

I didn’t want to write about my date tomorrow but I hadn’t posted anything in a while and everything else on my mind is just a mess so I thought I should at least write something. I haven’t told anyone about my date as I didn’t want to jinx it but I’ve now told you guys so if it all goes wrong, it’s my fault for telling you all. There’s a lot of other things I want to vent about but as I said, my mind is a mess right now and I can’t put those thoughts into words. Any help you can provide me on dating would mean the world to me. Whether it’s on what to talk about, what to wear, what time to arrive or just how to not fuck it up would be much appreciated. I’ll probably post again tomorrow telling you how badly it went. Hope you’re all having a good day 🙂

Starting 4th year at University…

Dog studying

I’m now back at University and will be going to my classes next week. I thought I’d be happy to be back as I don’t really get along with my family but I’m not. I feel out-of-place, isolated. I feel lonely, like I’m not meant to be here. I’m living in halls again and my housemates don’ seem to like me. I’m 26 now and I already started university late at age 23 so I feel even more out-of-place than I did then. They’re all 18 so I don’t think they’d want to hang out with someone 8 years older than them anyway. The university has changed as well and they have new buildings and facilities and all my friends have graduated. I only really know a few people and the only one I talk to is the girl who ended are non-official relationship and it’s just really difficult being around her. I feel lost.

I met my housemates on Sunday and they just didn’t seem interested in talking to me. I already started talking to three of them on a group chat before I got here but when I arrived they didn’t seem to care. I arrived the same time as another guy and he just seems to hate me for some reason or another. Five of us went to an SU party on Sunday and two of them didn’t get in as they didn’t buy tickets. One of them was the guy who seems to hate me. He got in eventually and I saw him and grabbed him and said “Hey, you okay?” He just said “Yeah” and walked off. He doesn’t even talk to me in the flat or acknowledges me. I don’t even know the guy. Why are you being a dick? I hate when people are like that. He gets along with everyone else but hates me for some reason. Two girls I met on the group chat seem okay. One picked my shirt for the SU party so that was cool but they both don’t really talk to me either. We were at the party together and I lost them so I messaged where are you and they ignored it. I found them in the end but I just don’t get why they ignored it? I haven’t done anything to them, I just don’t get it. Walking back from the party though I spoke to one of them and she was really nice. We talked about being friends with people you break up with and that was really helpful as I’m currently trying to do that and she says it’s tough too. She was like “You’ve seen them naked so now it’s like awkward” which I thought was funny haha. One guy seems really nice and we both like Star Wars so that’s cool but again, I haven’t really spoken to him. I just met the other girl in the chat today and the last person is a girl in her 2nd year who again, doesn’t really seem to like me. So it hasn’t been a great start. I also saw the girl who ended things between us yesterday and that was difficult. We started hugging and lying next to each other and I thought something might have happened but she left because she was going to see a friend. Then 1 minute after she left she messaged saying a guy was hitting on her. Why would I want to hear that?!

So I feel so out-of-place, lonely, lost and miserable. I wish I had just gone to a new university and started afresh. That self-harming injury I caused is also worrying me. My cheek is still really swollen and I woke up with my ears covered in blood. Don’t know why smashing my cheekbone would have caused that but I’m a bit worried about that now as well. Now that I’m back I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t even like the room I’m in. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel ready for any of this. Any advice would mean a lot or if you just want to vent about what’s going on with you then feel free. I hope you’re having a better week than me 😦

 

Self Harm

self-harm-cycle

Last night I self harmed. I went into my larder downstairs and grabbed a hammer and went to the living room. I smashed myself across the face and went to do it again but flinched and accidentally chipped my front tooth. So I now have a swollen face, a bruised lip and a chipped tooth. I thought self harming would make me feel better but now I just feel worse because I have to live with a chipped tooth for the rest of my life. I mean, it’s only three years because that’s how long I’ve given myself if I don’t find a girlfriend and I really doubt I will now with a flipping chipped tooth. Great night.

So this is the first time I’ve self harmed in a long time and no, I don’t recommend it. I don’t mean like trying to kill myself I just mean hurting myself. I did it quite a lot when I was younger but as I got older I just started trying to end my life rather than hurt myself. I’ve cut my arms before, I’ve punched myself, I’ve punched walls and smacked my head against them, I even sliced up my face once when my first ex dumped me but a hammer is a new one. I mean I 100% regret it now but at the time I was just so angry. I basically got into an argument with the girl I had the recent breakup with and it made me lose my cool. We basically planned on hanging out this Sunday when I get back to uni and on Monday we were gonna hang out in the evening and have takeaway and watch movies and stuff. Just as friends. Then last night she cancelled Monday and was like I can only come round on Sunday for an hour, I got really pissed off and just stopped talking and went and hurt myself. I mean, I don’t care at all about how swollen and bruised my cheek is I just care about the tiny chip on my front tooth. I hate myself so much now. But yeah, I attached the image above because that’s how self harm works in my opinion. Except last night I missed the temporary relief part and just went straight to grief and emotional suffering. So it wasn’t worth it at all. I’m now all the way back to self harm because I just had another argument with her again because she’s apparently finding it difficult being friends. She has no fucking right to feel that way because it was her fucking idea to just be friends in the first place!  Agh I’m getting mad again. I don’t want to self harm again though because now I have to live with a chipped tooth all because I flinched. I’m such an idiot.

So, the moral of this story is, DON’T SELF HARM! EVER!. You’ll end up with scars or maybe even worse! It’s not worth it because even if you do feel some relief, you’ll just end up feeling shit again and you’ll just go back to it. I now have a chipped tooth for the rest of my life and I now hate myself even more. I already thought I couldn’t possibly hate myself more but good old me has managed to do it. If you feel like self harming, call someone. I  once at uni got so mad and angry I wanted to self harm but I got over it. I told you about all those years I spent getting well and all the people who helped me. They told me to be productive. So that time at uni I wanted to self harm, I instead went for a 6 mile run and wrote an essay that got me a first. Be productive. Let your anger and sadness out in a positive or productive way. You’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel than self-harming. If you’ve learned anything from this, I hope it’s not to self harm. Do something good that won’t hurt you. Anyway, I should have done this last night instead of getting a hammer as this was the productive answer. If you feel like self harming comment on this. Vent about your life and problems on here. Let me know your thoughts and situations in the comments 🙂

I don’t want to live anymore

Crying 2

It is now 23.26 and at 23.20 tonight, I typed into google “I don’t want to live anymore”. I’m on the 10th floor of my apartment building, looking out the window and all I’m thinking about is just jumping out the window. I’m not actually scared of dying, I’m scared of the pain I might feel before I die. It’s weird that I’m not scared of dying as I’m sure most people are but it’s just not scary to me. It would just be like being asleep without dreams or nightmares. I really feel like I don’t have the strength to do this anymore.

When I typed into Google “I don’t want to live anymore”, I clicked on a number of web pages that came up. One of websites I clicked on was called “The Mighty” and the article was “I want you to want to live”.  It has links for people living in the U.S and also a link for people outside the U.S. I’ll leave all the info it offers down below if you don’t want to visit the website. I live in England so I’ll also leave the number for Samaritans which is a suicide hot line for people in the UK who are thinking about dying. Anyway this website said some things that helped and also some things that didn’t help and I disagreed with. I just don’t think anyone can really make me feel better anymore. As stupid as it sounds, all I really want is a girlfriend. Out of all the things to feel suicidal about, mine is just not having a girlfriend. I think it’s just because I don’t love myself and having someone love me makes me feel like there’s something worth living for. I feel like I actually mean something and I’m not garbage. It makes me feel better about myself.  Yesterday the girl who recently ended are non official relationship, told me she no longer loved me. She no longer finds me attractive in that way. Just after I finished writing my blog, “Do people really know what I love you means?”. Hearing that, has just made me want to die. How can you tell someone you love them and the just fall out of love with them? That just doesn’t make sense to me. I suppose I just have this idea that love lasts a really long time and means something. Hearing that she doesn’t love me anymore just made me feel shit. Leading to me thinking the whole day about wanting to kill myself. How would I do that? Where would I do that? When should I do that? I just don’t want to get to the age of 30 and had one serious relationship when I was 16. I mean, can you even call a relationship at the age of 16 serious? Probably not but it was to me. I just want to lose my memory all over again. That accident that happened in January was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  Just waking up having forgotten everything felt so good. Maybe there’s a way I can just bang my head really hard and not die but just lose my memories. Someone needs to invent a drug for that because I would pay a lot and I mean a lot of money for that.

I just wish I had a girlfriend. Not millions of pounds, not super powers, I would even rather have a girlfriend over getting rid of my diabetes. Losing my ex and my diabetes are the things that made me depressed to start with anyway. So when I say I’d rather have a girlfriend then get rid of my diabetes, that’s how much having a relationship means to me. I used to think about being a Jedi (Star Wars if you don’t know and yes, I like Star Wars) because they learn to control their emotions and I thought they didn’t really experience them as we do. But the whole story of Star Wars is about a Jedi losing control of his emotions and becoming evil. I’ve always tried to be a good person and treat people how I want to be treated but doing that in relationships just doesn’t seem to be what girls want. They’d rather have the guy that treats them badly, instead of the guy that will do anything and everything to make them happy. I’m really struggling to find a reason to live anymore. Sorry for the depressing monologue but I was just feeling suicidal and I thought I’d use my blog to vent, rather than jumping out the window or doing something else to hurt myself. As always feel free to vent in the comments if you need too or if you have any advice that would mean a lot 😦

Support for you

If you are outside of the US…

I want you to want to live

  • If you need to talk, call 800-273-TALK (8255) for free, confidential, 24/7 help.
  • Samaritans 116 123