&$!#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGER!

I lose my temper so easily! I get angry over the smallest things and it really doesn’t fucking help, when my mum continues to fucking aggravate me and just makes me so much more angry! I’m about to vent about why I got so angry and I’m sure you’ll think “Wow. What an absolute douche”. Because it’s over something really stupid but my mum is just so fucking bad at helping with emotions or dealing with someone who’s stressed out.

Basically I was playing NBA2k19 on my Xbox and I just couldn’t beat this team! It was making me so fucking angry because I felt like they kept fouling me and defying the laws of physics. It was basically like I was playing against god. Cheating just really fuck’s me off and I know, it’s so stupid to get so angry over something so small and I wish I could explain why I get so angry but I can’t.
My mum comes into this because while I was playing the game, she kept fucking annoying me and antagonizing me. She kept walking in front of the tv and then pulling the door open and leaving it there so I couldn’t see the screen. She kept trying to talk to me while I’m listening to something which pisses me off! It’s like trying to talk to someone who’s on the phone. You just wouldn’t do it! She then kept telling me to check my sugar level and going “calm down, it’s just a game” and that just really makes me mad. I know it’s a fucking game but it means something to me which is silly I know but saying calm down  isn’t making me calm, it’s just making me more angry. She then started to tell the dog to come out of the room where I was like I was going to harm the dog or smash-up the room or something. I mean, what the fuck? I’m not even near the dog and she was 100% happy in the room. She didn’t even want to leave the room! She then starts going on and on at me and telling me to do jobs and interrupting me and saying calm down, calm down! So I lost it and told her to fuck off to which her response was “Why don’t you go and fuck off”. Yes I shouldn’t have sworn at her but to then respond to someone who’s already really stressed out and angry with “fuck off” just makes the situation so much worse! She just is so useless with stressful situations, she’s not very tactile at all. She and the rest of my family don’t ever understand when they’ve done something wrong either so explaining to them that they’ve done something wrong is just like telling a murderer that murdering is wrong. My sister last summer promised she’d do something for me when I went upstairs and when I came down, she wasn’t doing it. I had ago at her and she still hasn’t spoken to me. My family made me apologise to her and made out she did nothing wrong! I’ve explained over and over again that I got angry because she didn’t do what she said she did and that’s why I got mad but it’s like she’s done nothing wrong and I’m the only one in the wrong! They just make me so angry!

I just don’t want my family in my life anymore. Yes, they’ve been very nice in my life but they’ve also been fucking horrible! I just don’t want them in my life anymore but, I need them in my life. It’s so selfish I know and it’s horrible but I need them or I’ll literally be living on the street and I’ll be really ill. As soon as I graduate and get my own place though, I think I’m just going to cut them out of my life. I’ve just been arguing with my family my whole life and I’m so sick of it. Out of all of us, the only who’s changed is me. They’re all so set in their ways that they’re just never going to change. Explaining to them what they do wrong is just a waste of time  and I’ve given up on them. So like I said, as soon as I don’t need them, I don’t want them in my life. If I’m only living to 30, I need the last 2 years of my life to be without a stressful family and just dealing with all the other stresses.

I’m not feeling so down, angry and upset that I just want to die. All over a fucking game. So stupid :(. Anyway thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a good day 🙂

Merry Christmas!

christmas mental health

Happy Christmas everyone! 🙂 I hope you’re having  lovely day and celebrating the day with loved ones. I felt like making a post as it’s Christmas and I wanted to wish everyone Happy Christmas. I hate to talk about my mental health on this day but I felt like it was needed as I’m feeling very low and like I’ve done before, I’ve self harmed instead of talking on here. So this post might be depressing and I’d actually prefer you don’t read on as I don’t want to ruin your holidays. So if you’re leaving, happy holidays and I hope you’re having  a great day :).

Okay, so if you’ve stuck around I’ll get into the depressing stuff. So I don’t know if I mentioned this before but my younger sister and I had a falling out over the summer. Basically we got into an argument on her birthday over something silly. I was playing a game and I needed to go upstairs to grab something. So I asked her if she wouldn’t mind taking over as I had a chance to win VC (Virtual currency). When I cam back downstairs, she had dumped the controller down on the chair and wasn’t paying attention. I got upset and I had a go at her. She chucked my present to her in the trash and she hasn’t spoken to me since then. Now I know I shouldn’t have had a go at her over something so small, so yes it was my fault. I wasn’t even upset about her putting the controller down, it was the fact that she promised to do something and then didn’t do that. I get very upset when people make promises to me and then break them. It’s happened a lot to me and I just don’t understand why people make promises if they can’t keep them. If someone asked me to promise them I’d come visit, I wouldn’t. I’d say I’d try my best but I wouldn’t promise because things come up and interfere. Don’t say you’ll do something if you won’t because it will just upset the person. I was going to apologise but she threw my present in the trash so I still haven’t and I’m not going. I mentioned this because she still hasn’t spoken to me or tried to fix things between us. Christmas should be spent with your family and loved ones. She didn’t get me a present either and has just ignored me so that has really upset me. My mum has also banned me from ever coming to her house. It’s the reason I’m living with my aunt and I absolutely hate her for it. I begged her to let me come live with her and I even told her I was feeling suicidal. She said over the summer I bought an aggressive and horrible attitude to the house and I made her and my sisters feel uncomfortable and she never wants me in her house again. Growing up  was very aggressive but this summer I wasn’t even close to that. I stayed in my room, washed up, walked the dog and tried to help out whenever I could. She is a disgusting human being. I use to be aggressive yes but I have changed completely and I am no longer like that. She hasn’t changed one bit and she’s always treated me like shit. It probably explains why my aunt bullies me so much as well. Anyway, both my mother and sister treating me like this has ruined Christmas for me.

One slight positive is that my Dad has allowed me to stay with him and his flatmate this Christmas. I’m very happy about this as I literally have been so close to killing myself and having time away from my aunt has been much-needed. It’s only for just under a week but it’s something at least. About a week or two ago I begged my Dad to let me come live with him and that I was feeling suicidal. His response? I’m blackmailing him. Not an A* their Dad for when your son is telling you he’s thinking about taking is own life. Anyway I bring this up because I’ve had a lot of injuries recently and I was talking to my Dad about them about an hour ago. I said I didn’t want to go into the conversation as it would ruin the Christmas spirit but we carried on talking and then he said we should talk about this another time as it will turn into a huge, heated argument. He then said not heated but intense. Ummmmmm? I said lets end the conversation so don’t carry it on and then tell me to end the conversation and why when we have it, does it have to be heated and intense? Basically when we were talking about it just now he said it’s all my fault for not ;leaving university when he told me too and that I shouldn’t go back. So that’s also ruined the day for me. I can’t wait for that conversation to happy before I go back to verbal abuse from my aunt. My family truly is the best.

To add to the list, I’m losing hair and I am going bald. I’ll make a post on this and go into more depth but looking at my hair, it just seems like I’m losing more and more pretty fast. It’s making me really depressed and I’d literally rather die than have no hair. I have a bald path basically at my scalp and at the front my hair is receding back quicker and quicker.It is making me so upset and I am hating myself more and more everyday. My aunt also pointed it out and was basically criticising me on it making me feel even more shit about it. Pointing out how noticeable it was when standing behind me. She knows I’m having mental health issues and she’s just making me worse by being a bitch with comments like that. I’m trying to use a Regaine I think it is but I haven’t been using it for long and you apparently only start noticing after 6 months I think so I’m hoping that will help me grow more hair at the back. I’m also hoping my current GP will refer me to see someone about gong bald and am also hoping that I can work enough this year and save up for a hair transplant maybe? Very unlikely as I need the money to save up for my own flat when I graduate but I suppose I can dream I’ll have enough money.  Maybe me being so stressed out is causing my hair to fall out quicker but I have no idea if that’s true or not.

I am currently trying to stay positive and put myself in a good mood. I’m watching the NBA right now as I received a free league pass trial for a week as it’s Christmas so that was really nice. I’ve had some coke and my Dad got me my favourite drink  Purdey’s and Paprika crisps which my Dad got me so that was nice of him. But I am still feeling very depressed, low, stressed and shaken up by what’s going on in my life and I’ve only mentioned the things on my mind right now! Anyway this post has been very long so I wish you all Happy Christmas and I hope you’re having a good day and feeling well. Goodnight 🙂

My Birthday

sad-birthday-cake

Hello,

Today, is my birthday. I feel really horrible today due to my Aunt. She’s a bully and is horrible to me everyday. She has ago at me for staying in my room, she had ago at me today for calling up the doctors to ask about having some medication sent to the pharmacy, she had ago at me for turning up the shower heat and had ago at me for not being outside for very long. This is what she’s like everyday and I should probably vent about it on here more as it’s just making me feel suicidal. I would list what she’s done since I moved in but I just wanted to list what she’s done today because, it’s my birthday. I thought on today she would be less of a bitch but no. She’s just carried on bullying me as she always does and normally I’d stand up for myself but I don’t as I’m scared she’ll throw me on the street and I’ll have nowhere to live.

I wanted to make a post on my birthday today as ever since my 18th birthday, my birthday has always sucked. It’s probably because on my 18th my ex broke up with me and ever since then I’ve suffered with depression so I just think of my birthday as a memory of my break up and the start of my depression. This birthday has sucked for a number of reasons and here’s the list:

1.) None of my family except my dad sent me a birthday present or card. My aunt and her son got me one but it’s a mug that says “His Lordship”. Now I’m sure I’m probably over thinking it and I’m sure anyone else would appreciate it but I swear it’s just my aunt taking a shot at me as she’s a bitch. Making out I’m some sort of snob or whatever. It’s just meant to be an insult of some sort.

2.) The other day I sent a message to my dad saying I hate living here and she’s making me feel suicidal. It’s horrible and it’s making me more unwell and ill and please, please can I come live with you. His response, I’m blackmailing him. Now normally when someone tells you they’re feeling suicidal, it’s probably not the best thing to insult them. I wasn’t blackmailing him in any way, I was just making him aware because last time I tried to take my own life, he got annoyed because I didn’t tell him. He says he want’s to talk about it when I go down and see him for Christmas but I have nothing more to say to be honest. I told him how I’m feeling and he insulted me, so I don’t really think there’s anything more to be said.

3.) I’m not sure if I said this in my previous post but I begged my mum if I could come live with her instead of living with her sister and her response was no. I bring a violent and aggressive nature to the household. I didn’t help over the summer and I’m a horrible human being. Firstly, I washed and wiped up on a regular basis and although it might not have been everyone’s plates or items, I consistently cleaned mine. Secondly, I went on many dog walks and walked Willow (Dogs name) on a regular basis. She also said I spent all my time in my room and my aunt has ago at me constantly for doing that at her house too. So to my mum and aunt. I stay in my room as I feel comfortable there. I feel safe and I’m able to have fun, get work done, relax and enjoy myself. When I’m around my mum and sisters they will just argue with me and I’m not sitting around my aunt to hear her have ago at me constantly and be consistently racist.

4.) Me and the girl I broke up with are now getting on really well. It’s amazing and I’m having so much fun talking to her and we’re really good friends now. I was meant to see her today and travel down to university but she cancelled. She cancelled because she’s very unwell and I totally understand that because she is really unwell but it would have been nice to get away from my aunt and have a nice happy day with someone I genuinely love. Instead, I’ve had to listen to my aunt treat me like shit and insult me while I sit at home doing nothing.

So those are the reasons why yet again, my birthday has sucked. All I want to do, is overdose on insulin. That’s all I want to do right now. I’d be able to escape and I wouldn’t be happy because I believe when you die, it’s just like sleeping without any dreams or nightmares. It’s just nothing. Sure I’d love there to be a heaven and if there is and I make it there, I am seriously going to go off at god for giving me such a shit life. I mean, dick haha. Sorry to anyone religious. Apparently last year my flat mates were lovely and made me a cake and decorated the flat but because of what happened in January with my coma, I can’t remember. Obviously I wouldn’t remember the one nice birthday I had. Anyway I’m just really unhappy today and I’d just for once, want to have a happy birthday. Here’s hoping if I live until next year, I’ll have one n 2019. If anyone has any advice on dealing with depression on your birthday or just having a shit birthday in general, please comment and make me feel better haha. I hope you’re all having a good and if it’s your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

My Aunt

Aunt

So I dropped out of University. Not forever but hopefully I’ll return in September 2019. At least that’s the plan anyway. As I said in my last post, I’ve become really unwell and it got to the point where I had to drop out because I have to take care of my health or I’ll probably end up dying. I wanted to go back and live with my Mum and Dad but both of them are treating me like shit and putting other people first. My Aunt though offered to let me stay with her until I return to university in September which was incredibly kind as I don’t even know her. So until then, I have to work on my health, get a part-time job and just sort my life out.

My Mum and Dad are being complete dick’s at the moment. My mum won’t let me stay with her and she has never liked me at all. Her reason I couldn’t stay with her was because there wasn’t enough room in the house for all my stuff and my sisters are living there as well. Firstly, my older sister is 31 and still living at home. She is completely healthy and is functioning well. Why the fuck are you putting her before me?! She should have moved out by now! I am really unwell and she’s perfectly fine but it’s more important she stays home over me?! A* Mum. Secondly, my younger sister is at university! So how the fuck am I going to take up to much space if my sister isn’t even living at home?! You’re putting her before me when again, she’s perfectly healthy and not even living at home. It’s fucking disgusting.

As for my Dad, when I told him I wanted to drop out off university for the year, his response was this. “I’d rather you stay there and if you fail, you fail. There is also no room in the flat for you as my flat mate doesn’t want you living with me”. What. The. Fuck! So just like mum, you’re putting someone else before me. Someone who isn’t even fucking related to you? This is the man who has been telling me since I started university that I need to put my health first before anything and now I’ve finally agreed to, you’re telling me to fuck off basically.  He also said if I came to his, I’d end up lying in bed all day and not bother doing anything. I wouldn’t try to get well and I’d just sit around on my Xbox. How fucking dare you. As soon as I’ve finished university and I have my own place, I’m cutting my family out of my life. I’m so fucking ill and both my parents have told me to fuck off. My mum has always treated me like shit and I grew up arguing with her. We had such an intense argument once, she smashed a plate over my head. I hate her and I’m fucking furious at my dad. I don’t want them in my life anymore. I’m going to use them to get what I need and when I have my own place, my own job and life, they can all go to hell.

So after all of this, I’ve come to stay with my aunt for the year while I try to get well. However, just like everyone else in my family, we are completely different people. For one thing, she’s racist! What the fuck?! That is not fucking okay with me but as I have nowhere to live as my family won’t let me live with them, I have to put up with that. Being racist is fucking over the line and I am not okay with that. We also started talking about what time I need to get up in the morning and I said 8.00am. She then started having ago at me and saying “No way”. 7.30 is the latest you should be getting up”. She then started talking about what she did back her day and how she functions. Firstly, if you’ve ever had depression and mental health issues, you will know that getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world. Yeah I need to get well and to start functioning but she has to get that I’m not well and it’s going to be tough for me. She then recycles and has a go at me if I don’t do it or if I do it wrong. I know that in this situation I’m the bad guy as you should recycle but I don’t care about recycling. Recycling is about taking care of the world but my thought process is this. If the world has treated me like shit my entire life and doesn’t give a fuck about me, why should I take care of it? Yeah I know it’s bad but that’s just how I feel about it. I know she’s trying to help and it means the world to me for what she’s done but there are just certain things about her I am not okay with. As I have no where else to go though, I have to follow her rules and function how she wants me too.

I’m really not okay with my current situation and my family are being so shit at the moment. I really do hate them right now and just wish they would all fuck off but I wouldn’t be able to survive without them and I need them at the moment. As soon as I don’t though, they can all fuck off!

Thank you all for reading. I hope your day is going well and everything is okay for you. If you have any thoughts on what I’ve said or if you have anything you related you want to vent about then feel free to comment. Thanks 🙂