What skills do you have?

Word Skills highlighted with marker on paper

What skills do you have? It’s a question I’ve been asked before and it’s a question I continue to ask myself to this day. If someone asks what skills do you have, I feel kind of arrogant giving an answer. “Oh I can do this and this, this and this.I can’t forget about this”. It’s just like, “alright Mr/Mrs vain”. Sure, people can answer the question vainly but I don’t think naming your skills is vain. It’s just how I feel when someone asks me the question or when I ask someone the question and they give loads of answers. I think I probably feel this way because I’m insecure and I get jealous when people say they’re really good at something. When I get asked this question though,I don’t have an answer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my skills and abilities because at the end of this academic year,(May) I will be graduating and applying for jobs. I will officially be starting my career which I will be doing for the rest of my life. I’m obviously very late to the party being 26 and still at university but it’s a scary thought. All I’ve ever known is academic life and going to classes and listening to teachers. I will actually be running my own life and functioning like an actually person and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. University life has helped prepare me a lot, so I sort of know what it’s like to live on your own and having to pay bills but I’ll have no one to fall back on. If I don’t understand something  to do with bills or housing contracts, I can just ask university housing what it all means and they’ll help. I’ll be on my own when I graduate and I will have to work all of this stuff out for myself. I won’t have people supporting me and helping me with work, I’ll just be managing on my own. With the current state of my mental and physical health, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage.

Sorry I got sidetracked there for a second but when applying for a job, the employer will want to know what skills you have. What you can bring to the table that makes you better than everyone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve tried to narrow my panics and fears into two categories. 1.) What job do you want to do? 2.) Do you have the right skills to do that job? Well before my accident, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I wanted to work for the BBC as a radio presenter as I love music and I felt like that would be something I’d really enjoy. Now though, I have no idea at all what I want to do. My dissertation is basically on basketball and in England, basketball isn’t really that popular. I’d like to work in the NBA but how on earth am I going to get a job in the NBA?! Even if I somehow did get a job in the NBA, I don’t have the money to pay for health insurance to pay for both my mental health and diabetes. Living in America is a dream of mine but it just seems the same as wishing to fly. Then the second part of my problem is when I manage to think of something I want to do, do I even have the skills to do it?

Well I can already answer that question. No. No I don’t have the skills. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous post but back in primary school, the teacher came round and asked each of us what are talent was or what talent’s we had. I didn’t answer. I’m not remarkable or exceptional in any way. I really can’t think of any skills I might possibly have. I’m no longer athletic, I’m not great at writing or grammar, I don’t have any technology skills or computer skills even though I spend literally everyday on my computer. I can no longer play an instrument and even when I could, I wasn’t good at it. I just don’t feel like I can do anything and even if I can do something, I’m not very good at it. Whenever I say this to people they just say I’m being hard on myself but I don’t think I am. I’m currently averaging a 2:2 at university and everyone says it’s because I’ve been unwell but that’s no excuse.

Okay I feel a tiny bit better ranting about how I’m feeling. Do any of you guys ever feel this way or think about your skill set? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this so please feel free to comment :).

Heroes and Villains

Venom poster

What exactly is a hero and what is a villain? Well, the hero is usually the good person, the person we root for. The villain is the person we root against, the bad person. Examples of hero’s would be Superman, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Robin Hood or Indiana Jones.  Examples of villains would be The Joker, Voldemort, Darth Vader, Count Dracula or even the Shark in Jaws.  We root for what ever feels normal, what we think is right and good. So then let me give you a scenario and you tell me who’s the villain in this story.

A man, his wife and child are homeless on the street. They haven’t eaten for days and are starving for food. The father decides to break into a store and grab some food for his family. As he leaves the store though, a policeman is walking by and catches the man stealing the food. He chases after him and catches the man as he arrives back with his family. The man begs the policeman to let him go and to give the food to his family. The policeman says no, arrests the man and takes the food with him. So who’s the bad guy in this story? Is it the man for stealing food from the shop? Or is it the policeman for leaving a starving family with no food? Not so black and white anymore is it? Sure the man broke the law and so he should be arrested for his crime but he didn’t do it to hurt anyone, he did it to save his family. Good and bad are two sides of the same coin. In an article by Evan A. Poole called Heroes vs Villains, he says ” we root for the ‘hero’ to get his revenge, yet we then tell others an eye for an eye leaves us blind. We want the ‘villain’ dead, but we believe murder is wrong” (Poole, Evan A. 2017). He continues and says “The villain is someone who takes the option that benefits him, in spite of the costs. What’s actually wrong with that? The hero does the exact same thing!(Poole, Evan A. 2017)”. What we think is right may be bad in someone else’s eyes. In my life, I tend to think more about other people and taking care of them than myself. I put other people first before myself. I was talking to one of my friends the other day and he said maybe that’s why I fail in relationships I have. Because I put them first and I only look after them and I don’t ever think about myself and what I need or want. I just want to make other people happy and not myself. I’ve just always wanted to treat people in a good and kind way. If you’ve seen the movie Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix, there’s a line in the movie that I really love and want to share with you. It’s from the character Sirius and he says “You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened too”. He continues and says “The world isn’t split into good people and death eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are”. This line means a lot to me because I’ve always viewed the world as black and white. You have good people and bad people but the world isn’t like that. The world is grey. Both light and dark mixed together. I try to act on my light side and I try and be a good person for the most part. I’m not perfect but I try to be. I sometimes wish more people would try and be like that.

I called this post Heroes and Villains because I don’t feel like a hero but I feel like I’m the only good person sometimes. I feel like maybe I should just treat people badly and  be selfish and arrogant because I feel like being nice just makes me miserable as the world keeps punishing me. I’d love to know what your thoughts on heroes and villains are. Do you think the world is black and white or is it more grey? I think I need to get out of this habit of viewing the world as black and white. Feel free to leave your comments or vent about what’s happening in your life. Thanks for reading :).

Do people really know what “I love you” means?

I love you

I really don’t think it’s possible to be friends with your ex. I’m trying so hard to be friends with the girl I was recently with and I just don’t think it’s working. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Two days ago we agreed not to talk again until the start of university. That night, she asked to FaceTime me because she was crying about what she had done with me and how horrible she had felt for doing that to her boyfriend. That’s not something I wanted to hear. I listened though and FaceTimed. I managed to make her feel better and calm her down. It broke my heart hearing what she had to say but I did it anyway as I’m trying to stay friends with her like she’s wanted. Last night though, I got very drunk and because there are no buses back to where I live, I had to walk about 2 miles home. I felt really bad so I messaged her as a friend to talk and yet again, it led to a huge argument. She refused to talk to me as we agreed to no talking but obviously she’s allowed to FaceTime me when she needs to vent about how she’s treated her boyfriend. I need to talk to a friend while I walk home and nothing?! I really want to talk about how badly she’s treated me since this all began but I just don’t think I can and yet I stupidly still love her. When this all started, I was expecting it to be a one time thing but she kept coming back. The she told me she loved me. That’s a huge statement for me. My ex said it to me and when we broke up, I ended up depressed and suicidal for nearly 10 years. So when she said it to me, I didn’t say it back. I had to go away and think about it as I wasn’t sure if she meant it. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I thought about it and I eventually said it back. Those 3 words actually mean something to me. When I say “I love you”, I mean it. Out of both the people to say that to me, I don’t think either of them meant it. Either that or they don’t know what those words mean. It’s a huge thing to say! She keeps saying I need to get over her, but why would someone say that to someone if you loved them?! I know she was and is dating someone so this relationship we had was doomed from the start. I’m furious at myself for falling for those words again. I’m an idiot. I keep making myself look pathetic in front of her so I don’t think she’s even attracted to me anymore. I’m not good at managing my emotions. I’m so angry at her for what she’s done to me, how she’s treated me, lying to me, breaking my heart after what I told her my ex did to me and now she’s not even being a good friend. She even constantly says that she never lies! Ever! The one night I needed her as a friend and she wouldn’t even do that. I was there for her and she wasn’t there for me. She’s even treating me like shit as a friend. She says she doesn’t even have friends and the one person that’s trying to be there for her as a friend she’s pushing them away. Over 30 people have told me to stay away but I just keep going back for me :(. I feel so stupid and pathetic.

Anyway the point of this post was to vent about people not knowing what “I love you” means. It’s a really big deal to me. It’s an emotion that doesn’t just go away in a few weeks. It’s not something you just get over. So why do people say it? To me, it’s an emotion that lasts a really long time. I’m so scared I’m going to end up depressed for another 10 years. Has anyone ever told you they loved you? Have you ever told someone you love them? I feel like I’m the only one that understands that emotion or maybe I’m the one that’s wrong in thinking it actually means something. What are your thoughts on the word “love”? Let me know what it means to you and situations you’ve been in involving love.