&$!#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGER!

I lose my temper so easily! I get angry over the smallest things and it really doesn’t fucking help, when my mum continues to fucking aggravate me and just makes me so much more angry! I’m about to vent about why I got so angry and I’m sure you’ll think “Wow. What an absolute douche”. Because it’s over something really stupid but my mum is just so fucking bad at helping with emotions or dealing with someone who’s stressed out.

Basically I was playing NBA2k19 on my Xbox and I just couldn’t beat this team! It was making me so fucking angry because I felt like they kept fouling me and defying the laws of physics. It was basically like I was playing against god. Cheating just really fuck’s me off and I know, it’s so stupid to get so angry over something so small and I wish I could explain why I get so angry but I can’t.
My mum comes into this because while I was playing the game, she kept fucking annoying me and antagonizing me. She kept walking in front of the tv and then pulling the door open and leaving it there so I couldn’t see the screen. She kept trying to talk to me while I’m listening to something which pisses me off! It’s like trying to talk to someone who’s on the phone. You just wouldn’t do it! She then kept telling me to check my sugar level and going “calm down, it’s just a game” and that just really makes me mad. I know it’s a fucking game but it means something to me which is silly I know but saying calm down  isn’t making me calm, it’s just making me more angry. She then started to tell the dog to come out of the room where I was like I was going to harm the dog or smash-up the room or something. I mean, what the fuck? I’m not even near the dog and she was 100% happy in the room. She didn’t even want to leave the room! She then starts going on and on at me and telling me to do jobs and interrupting me and saying calm down, calm down! So I lost it and told her to fuck off to which her response was “Why don’t you go and fuck off”. Yes I shouldn’t have sworn at her but to then respond to someone who’s already really stressed out and angry with “fuck off” just makes the situation so much worse! She just is so useless with stressful situations, she’s not very tactile at all. She and the rest of my family don’t ever understand when they’ve done something wrong either so explaining to them that they’ve done something wrong is just like telling a murderer that murdering is wrong. My sister last summer promised she’d do something for me when I went upstairs and when I came down, she wasn’t doing it. I had ago at her and she still hasn’t spoken to me. My family made me apologise to her and made out she did nothing wrong! I’ve explained over and over again that I got angry because she didn’t do what she said she did and that’s why I got mad but it’s like she’s done nothing wrong and I’m the only one in the wrong! They just make me so angry!

I just don’t want my family in my life anymore. Yes, they’ve been very nice in my life but they’ve also been fucking horrible! I just don’t want them in my life anymore but, I need them in my life. It’s so selfish I know and it’s horrible but I need them or I’ll literally be living on the street and I’ll be really ill. As soon as I graduate and get my own place though, I think I’m just going to cut them out of my life. I’ve just been arguing with my family my whole life and I’m so sick of it. Out of all of us, the only who’s changed is me. They’re all so set in their ways that they’re just never going to change. Explaining to them what they do wrong is just a waste of time  and I’ve given up on them. So like I said, as soon as I don’t need them, I don’t want them in my life. If I’m only living to 30, I need the last 2 years of my life to be without a stressful family and just dealing with all the other stresses.

I’m not feeling so down, angry and upset that I just want to die. All over a fucking game. So stupid :(. Anyway thanks for reading. Hope you’re having a good day 🙂

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Blowing off steam!

punchbag

So yesterday I was thinking about making a post to do with the mind and thoughts you have but I just had an argument with my unofficial ex and I’m fucking livid! I’m sure everyone is sick of me venting about this but I made this blog so I could blow off steam and not do anything stupid to myself. If you have an ex or you’re just mad and you want to feel mad along with me then this is the post for you.

Me and my ex planned to meet tomorrow morning last week to vent and clear the air. I wanted to do this just under a month ago but nope, she was busy or gave some other shit reason why she couldn’t do it and now here we are. I messaged today to see if she was still coming by tomorrow. She said yes but she had the flu and that right there was the start of all this. I thought she was just going to cancel so I said “If you’re not well you don’t have too”. She said she wasn’t cancelling but then good old me said “I thought you were gonna cancel”. This started between 1-2 hours of arguing between us. That one comment that I couldn’t keep in my head. Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but just didn’t because you knew it would cause an argument? Could have been to anyone. Well she’s cancelled so many times that I just had to say something and the only reason I said it was because I didn’t think she’d get upset by it! I thought I can put how I feel in a delicate way without upsetting her. How was that even close to delicate? Moron. She then continued to have a go at me for not talking to her this weekend and then moments later she says she’s always busy! If you’re always busy, how the fuck am I meant to talk to you?! Agh! We then argued about how long she was going to stay until and because we’d been arguing for a while, I thought I’d ask if she was still coming by. She then called me a drama queen because I keep getting mad at her. So I put “No…I’m fucking mad that you ended things between us and you continue to treat me like shit!”. This led to us pausing the argument until now.

She messages me back a few hours later saying she’s a “little mad”. She says it’s because of me saying I’m mad at her and that she’s done nothing to me since she’s been back at university. I said let’s talk about it tomorrow when we meet up and but she said she wanted to talk about it now. She said “I feel hurt and mad” so I put “Well that’s how I’ve been feeling since you ended it”. Her response, “Stop fucking guilt tripping me for ending things man. That’s not fair.That was over like two months ago.”. This is where I decided to come on here and vent instead of doing something stupid. I just lost my cool. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to get over this but it meant something to me and she’s fucking telling me I should be over it by now?! I’m finding being her friend really tough and she is making no effort at all in this and yet she’s the one that wanted to stay friends! I think it upset me so much because I’ve been holding onto the idea that we will end up together again and her saying that just proved to me it’s never going to happen. I’ve finally come to the realisation in my head that we’re officially finished. I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to her tomorrow for the last week and every time I do, I call her by my ex’s name. I hate her so much now, my ex’s name just comes up in my head when I think of what I’m going to say to her. That is so sad…

Thanks for reading if you did 🙂 . Apologies for the grammar and the terrible writing. I’m going to blame it on my anger and my sleepiness. I’m seeing her in less than 8 hours so if anyone has any advice that would be awesome or if you’ve had a moment where you’ve wanted to say something but didn’t, feel free to type it out here. 🙂